poetry critical

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Frank, I know.

My eyes are large and
They reveal nothing,
they cloud my intentions and
Amuse my listener
They graze emotion
Taste it for novelty’s sake.
Disinterested, doll-like
Commanding attention with an almond sliver only to
Deject it, shocked, with peripheral dissonance
Loyal blue with a
Discouraging yellow ring like the moment before a full eclipse or
The start of a maddening disease,
the poker face of tenderness.
The iris widening and
Swallowed is the lush sky-scape you observed,
Now lacquered marbles, discarded for their obtuse color scheme
Sit unsteadily and only offer
Unable to inform.

For Frank O' Hara.

24 Jul 12

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Hello, I liked your title!

I read the poem and was vaguely disapointed and I will tell you why:

The premise is good but is there anyway you can give us franks eyes without so much "eye".

The way you do it almost alienates the reader from the poem - because we are 'focusing' on you writing about eyes -

and in doing so, losing the title, and the reaction to the poem becomes the complete opposite of the original intention.

I found myself not thinking about frank, but rather, 'oh yeah, almond sliver works wonderfully well about eyes"

And eyes as "the window of the soul" and all that is so dreadfully cliche -

If this was mine, I would lose the first stanza altogether,

Then take the eyes, put them in my pocket, be fully aware that I was holding them, and rewrite "frank" from that point of view. Dont tell us you have them, but let us find them.

More implication=more eye

18 to 19 the best part of your poem.

Anyhoo, thanks for the read and the opportunity to practise critique.
 — PollyReg


L1-3, I guess is the introduction -

And in that way it both works and doesn't.

It's one of these 'poets' poems I guess.

I always like things better/read them differently after I critique (is that weird)

The poem both sits on the lap of the title and runs away from. V pretty ambiguity.
 — PollyReg

your poem is a mini mystery sphere!

the mystery of frank o'hara complete within itself -

knowing and unknowing!

 — PollyReg