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A Season as a Dream
elysium

Lost in some desolate meaning
 1
that feigns untouchable
 2
mystery trance
 3
 
 
Like a Religion;
 4
A styrofoam certainty
 5
 
 
Yet betrayed by the departure
 6
of a reasoning consciousness
 7
 
 
In a place where
 8
skies are only dream
 9
 
 
And shadows
 10
are an evolution,
 11
crossing through a storm
 12
of switchblade
 13
convulsion
 14
 
 
Insanity or sanity
 15
makes no difference
 16
when a world revolves
 17
against perception
 18
 
 
on waves
 19
of static charge
 20
 
 
Like painted traumas
 21
to some far away canvas
 22
 
 
that one can touch,
 23
yet still untouched
 24
remains
 25
 
 
an infinite
 26
    
 27
    paralysis
 28

6 May 04

Rated 9 (8.3) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (2): 8, 8, 9

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Comments:

It amazes me that questionable poems always have a name signed to them and things like this are hidden behind an unknown.  Take credit for your wonderful talent already!  


l3 - I'm not sure if the flow is great here.  It doesn't bother me really, but it does seem like it goes here without any transition.  


l5 - great.

l6 and l7 - this is great...it does feel like it needs just a bit more added to it though.  Again with the transition thing.  It doesn't necessarily make sense with the lines that follow.

l9 - are you missing a word in here?   or an 's'?

I can't think of anything I'd change with the rest of this.  I may change my mind after reading it a few more times, but for now I like it as it stands.  

Very nice work.  
 — amy

"Take credit for your wonderful talent already! "

Whenever I take credit for it, it seems to get passed by and no one comments..

:-/


(Always might I add when I have tunnel vision or something and am feeling hungry for the opinions of another.)

I have my reasons why I do weird annoying things like that. But glad you liked it. Thank you for commenting. You always catch me when I hide, Amy.. hehe

It's just my way though. I like to skulk in shadows. I'm a weird one. Sorry!

I will see what I can do to it later and take all your ideas into account. Thank you for them.

-Ely
 — unknown

With "When beauty sweeps in chronicles", I mentioned that sometimes fine-tuning is needed.  How many versions of this piece did you write before you posted it?  If this is your first "version", take great delight on how it turned out.  Not very often does something come out finished in one take.  

"Like painted traumas                     These two lines are both emotional and
to some faraway canvas"                visual.  Having both these elements is a
                                                    hard thing to do as a writer.  Nice work
                                                    elysium.

                                              
 — unknown

Rewards repeated reading.  One example --- The first time I read the phrase "styrofoam certainty," it was a sort of ear candy --- I didn't think about what it might mean.  The second time, I interpreted it as "fake certainty."  The next time as "cheap certainty."  It was only after this that I truely focused on the word "stryofoam" and thought about it --- Then I thought "cheap and mass produced certainty."  It's interesting how each of these twists color the line before --- "Like a Religion" --- and everything that follows.  Even now, I'm drinking a cup of coffee from a styrofoam cup and thinking how fragile styrofoam is --- how easily it crumbles.
 — PailSo

it doesnt seem to have any form to it
 — unknown

How sweet of you, PailSo, to pay attention. I love the way you described that. You indeed interpreted that line exactly as it was meant.
 — elysium

Another fantastic poem! I think that you could word ll15-17 better (whatever jack kerouac said). It doesn't really settle in any particular way, though I nebulously know what you wanted from them. I think my kids should read this.
-zep
 — zepplin42

Kids Zepp? Why? Interesting thought. I think you are right about l15-17. Don't feel like bothering with it now, but I'll remember when I do feel like doing so. Thanks for pointing that out. Total oversight there on my part and I should have noticed that. Those lines strike me as the weakest point of the poem.. not in meaning, but in aesthetics. You are so much more lyrically adept than me. Wish I had your gift in that sense. If you have any suggestions for a more lyrical rewording of those lines without losing the intent of them, feel free to throw them at me. Anyone who reads this, feel welcome to throw me ideas for those lines.
 — elysium

This is perfect, you are such a great writer.
 — devilsbelboy

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