poetry critical

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you wont eat
because you're in love
you won't sleep
because you're in love
you lay restless at the bottom of the bathtub
in love
in the rain, walking
quietly, recapping
laughing the
laugh of love the endless
ringing of the bell
the church a
decrepit sound
compared to your jovial noises
what do you want?
a palace built.
for you, anything.
what do you want? a
quiet morning without my restless
nudges, another cup of coffee I
will not leave this bed, I will live
inside of these white sheets, a
no one wants to touch it no
one will speak of it we are
cooler than the cold morning
descending on us like a catastrophe what
will I do with this weight

11 Sep 12

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very nice. to me, i'm reading it as a song lyric and i can hear it sung in my head by some effective singer. that it's a poetic lyric is nice too. it makes me listen more carefully to what you're saying and what you're not saying. that's classy writing.
 — cadmium

I'm a little confused, not by the content of your words, but by the lack of punctuation in two of the four stanzas... Is there a reason for this because the two without punctuation could really use a few commas, at the very least. Not saying this is bad or good, but it certainly could flow better with a little punch-up and punctuation. Good start.
 — dmartin

'punctuation' is a traffic signaling. if we're walking or dancing along a poem, we don't need signs to know when to drive slow or stop at a corner: the cadence itself, and the line breaks works as tempo markers and breaks.
 — cadmium

I enjoyed this thank you
 — lucion