poetry critical

online poetry workshop



wet
InCongruity

1
 1
you wont eat
 2
because you're in love
 3
you won't sleep
 4
because you're in love
 5
you lay restless at the bottom of the bathtub
 6
in love
 7
wet
 8
 
 
2
 9
in the rain, walking
 10
quietly, recapping
 11
laughing the
 12
laugh of love the endless
 13
ringing of the bell
 14
the church a
 15
decrepit sound
 16
compared to your jovial noises
 17
 
 
3
 18
what do you want?
 19
a palace built.
 20
for you, anything.
 21
what do you want? a
 22
quiet morning without my restless
 23
nudges, another cup of coffee I
 24
will not leave this bed, I will live
 25
inside of these white sheets, a
 26
resident.
 27
 
 
4
 28
no one wants to touch it no
 29
one will speak of it we are
 30
cooler than the cold morning
 31
descending on us like a catastrophe what
 32
will I do with this weight
 33
 
 
wet
 34

11 Sep 12

Rated 10 (8) by 1 users.
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Comments:

very nice. to me, i'm reading it as a song lyric and i can hear it sung in my head by some effective singer. that it's a poetic lyric is nice too. it makes me listen more carefully to what you're saying and what you're not saying. that's classy writing.
 — cadmium

I'm a little confused, not by the content of your words, but by the lack of punctuation in two of the four stanzas... Is there a reason for this because the two without punctuation could really use a few commas, at the very least. Not saying this is bad or good, but it certainly could flow better with a little punch-up and punctuation. Good start.
 — dmartin

'punctuation' is a traffic signaling. if we're walking or dancing along a poem, we don't need signs to know when to drive slow or stop at a corner: the cadence itself, and the line breaks works as tempo markers and breaks.
 — cadmium

I enjoyed this thank you
 — lucion

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