poetry critical

online poetry workshop

log xx + xy

dumb bitch
you got married
at 19 drugged
on Christ and
while i was home
head in my book
fighting with
my glasses
acne and Neitzsche.
i could have told you:
0. The number of times you
will  not lie to yourself.
3. The number of times you must
say or do something before it
becomes part of you whether true
or not.
5. The average number of
people you might
sleep with before you understand
the games people play,
you play, and then
profess your love for them, or you
then get married?
and radically change your life.
12. the age you can make
another idiot and still
be an idiot.
30.  the average age a
person must be to have
a coherent sense of their
identity.  an infinity away not 18
from age 12.
1. the minimum extent of self identity,
or for most, the maximum pain.
Reflecting unity, which is a lie.
log xy:  the exponential relationship between body and mind.
Farthest at the beginning and at the end,
where we are most vulnerable.
None of it makes sense
I would have told you
before you believed
counting calories was
the most difficult formula
you would come across,
too buzy making out to your delusion
writing in your diary
applying proactiv
and perfecting your tan.
Oh and by the way
We'll both be dead.
You're welcome.

26 Sep 12

Rated 10 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 6
Inactive (2): 8, 10

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the poem is 1-10, and cute... if cute's what you want...

the rest is just what people are always saying to each other. possibly this patterning would go down well on some print equivalent to a contemporary art gallery in 'old town', where people think that quirky is modern and modern is what you're supposed to furnish your brain with so's you don't look lower-class.
 — cadmium

So where in this is your vulnerability? Apart from acne? Which isn't really a vulnerability at all because the entire poem says: 

A is better than B. ultimately more desirable than B and knows more about life.

Acne or not. A fights with Nietzsche while B gets laid.

Which is more desirable? And who ajudicates the differing points of view?

Poetry God? Validity God? Nietzsche? Atkins?

Sooooooo.....In this story, who is happier?

B, all hung up on pashing delusions and weight isn't lying in his/her bed at night thinking about all the reasons she/he is better than A.

Take it from me, B is not thinking about A at all.

Find happy. Find truth. Put it in your poem, you will write better.

With thst being said, I like the not lie to yourself bit. Because everyone does. 

Take your own advice and put it in a poem.

Risk ego.
 — PollyReg

 — unknown

21 is actually a number that should have fit here, it's the # of days it takes, average, to make or break a habit.

I find it interesting that the protagonist is so angry.  No dates, too smart to relate to the 'average' girls who had dates and worried about how they looked?  I have to go see what the reference is.  I thought it was male/female but it could be more.  Male/female is an easy resolution, gender brains are wired differently and when wives ask, "Why can't you understand me like my girlfriends do," the scientific answer is that most can't.  

None of it makes sense is the best line.  Indeed, the truth that packs a punch line.  
 — Isabelle5

1 and 0
 — unknown

 — unknown