poetry critical

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Buggy goes on a holiday

i didn't think you were ready
to be out strutting on your own.
you're a long way from the pot
and you're still laying cable
on the beach.
mummy can't wipe your bottom
this time. mummy wants her bigboy
to suckle under the rainbow,
not kick off into the desert
like a russian sniffing turks.
you're all grown up staging sunset
(or is it sunrise i can't tell)
but you look lofty, long in the palm–
i worry; it's a big cuntry out there
and you're probing like a cicada.
it's good to shuck your muscle
from a different sea cabbage
but what will your mates think
when you mingle the hooch with breast milk
and hide the sippy-cup
in your diaper bag?
they'll all be fucking jealous

31 Oct 12

Rated 9.5 (8) by 2 users.
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Inactive (4): 1, 5, 8, 9, 10

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wrote some new sun drenched stuff. will try and post it tomorrow...still need to shade some pasta it up and then stop typing shut of my phone
 — DeformedLion

i had a few feathers floating,
looked at the clock
saw i had 10 minutes before i had to head out trick-or-treating
so i laid this plucky down and scrammed. ha, i NEVER do that.  
i will probably sculpt lines 15-20 into a tastier pasty because they aren't really living up to me,  but it is what it is.

looking forward to your saucy gnocchi :)
 — jenakajoffer

I can't read the language of this poem. I can tell that it's strangely tonguey poemy. BUT I just don't get it. Meep.
 — Ananke

I apologize if it's too cryptic, I didn't think it was, but then again I can fairly be accused of living in my own head; or his. ;)
Thanks for giving it a go :)
 — jenakajoffer

No, not too cryptic. I get what it says, I just don't get the poemetry of it...
 — Ananke

Ah yes, I understand completely.  It's not really a poem, I don't what it is.  But I do like it (as in, collectively). Thanks pal :)
 — jenakajoffer

I had originally commented on this write, but for some reason it didn't show up.

I have to say, even though you were very rude to me on your response to my poem, I still think your writing is full of imagination and imagery, which I tend to focus on in my poetry.

But, while yours tells a nonsense story, mine is easy to follow and actually makes sense. You have some very funny turns of phrase in here, that have a very original voice to them. I haven't read a poem of this caliber in a long time. Even though you insulted me, I have to give you the poet of the year award, because you impressed me with this piece. Job well done.

Maybe you'll take this review as inspiration on how to be specific about your critique. Thank you none the less for reading me.
 — Eyesonyou

goddam you're funny
 — unknown

Not a fan of this one.  Too sloppy and the forked tongue doesn't jive between cabbage and breast milk.  Doesn't have enough to one side or the other for a reader to buy in and even juxtaposed, I don't think it has enough.
 — OldShoe

what a load of tosh, the equivalent of a cold tortilla w/o filling  
 — unknown

thank you for the mixed emotions, eyesonyou, i'm happy you enjoyed this dirty little diaper -- i wrote it in 10 minutes with a feather dipped in dogshit :)

and how bizarre to ladle praise with these fabled poetry awards. you are very confident!  it's a good thing i don't take anything personally.
 — jenakajoffer

i'm surprised at you, old sandle-sock-lover,
with all your mothering experience, i expected more from you.

cabbage and breast milk is a notorious pair among lactating mares, don't you see?
if my baby ain't layin' cable on the beach of normandy, then he'll most certainly storming flatus.
 — jenakajoffer

Though I take up the reigns for both parental roles caring for my daughter, I've yet to expose myself to the joys of breastfeeding.  I suppose I just detest cabbage, even if mothers use refrigerated cabbage leaves as cool compresses for their tits.
 — OldShoe