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Shipwrecked Skies & Chardonnay

aimless voyage on the Baltic
that smelt of jaded jasmine joss sticks,
sailing across green grey waves
of dark African trade.
Till I met a lovely virgin
dancing in white silk satin
in fields of darling daffodils
of trumpet shaped crowns.
we sip on pink chardonnay
and sleep on cool green blades
where we watch white wings soar
towards blue native shores,
then follow sea-scented winds
carry cotton candy clouds
to far eastern continents
where Oriental lovers rampant.
I remember blissful sunsets
and strawberry sorbets
and brazen passion burning heavens
with streaks of tangerine gold.
And then you disappear
like drops of morning dew
into the cold darkness
of midnight blue.
Not even glinting fireflies,
northern lights,
chirping crickets
or shooting stars,
could keep me asleep
in dreamful ease.
For if you must know,
you’ve shipwrecked my soul
atop whitewash waves
of chardonnay skies.

11 May 04

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someone tell me what's bad about this
 — mrkhoo

lucy in the skyyyyy with diamonds!  Ahhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhh....
 — gdb

is that a song title? beatles to be exact?
 — mrkhoo

4 days and 1 comment! someone tell me what you think of this
 — mrkhoo

my last attempt. someone please comment on this.
 — mrkhoo

problem with this is that it is so ambiguous that it loses all storyline, even though the descriptions are pretty damn good. use of alliteration is great, and makes the poem flow, yet there is seriously a distinct lack of plot. or maybe it's just extremely hidden. whatever the case, it just doesn't seem to go anywhere for me. it has gorgeous lines though, and vivid imagery.
 — wendz

thanks wendz for the comment. i thought i had a story going there. maybe it was a little vague. it was meant to be some sailor/voyager who has no meaning in life, bumps into this girl and finds himself infatuated with him. and every sunset she has to leave him. and well, the rest is self explanatory. does that count as a plot?
 — mrkhoo

and time goes by so fast whenever he's around with her. that might also explain why the poem speeds by ya.
 — unknown

good! really good... i love the visuals this poem inspired in me!! Great job, yih sun!
 — unknown

*gargle* *gurgle*
drowning i so am.
 — unknown

oh, now i see why i didnt read a plot into this before. when you wrote this, you had the story in mind, but got so carried away with the imagery and descriptions that you forgot about the story. or thats what it feels like to me.
 — wendz