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Shipwrecked Skies & Chardonnay
mrkhoo

aimless voyage on the Baltic
 1
that smelt of jaded jasmine joss sticks,
 2
sailing across green grey waves
 3
of dark African trade.
 4
 
 
Till I met a lovely virgin
 5
dancing in white silk satin
 6
in fields of darling daffodils
 7
of trumpet shaped crowns.
 8
 
 
we sip on pink chardonnay
 9
and sleep on cool green blades
 10
where we watch white wings soar
 11
towards blue native shores,
 12
 
 
then follow sea-scented winds
 13
carry cotton candy clouds
 14
to far eastern continents
 15
where Oriental lovers rampant.
 16
 
 
I remember blissful sunsets
 17
and strawberry sorbets
 18
and brazen passion burning heavens
 19
with streaks of tangerine gold.
 20
 
 
And then you disappear
 21
like drops of morning dew
 22
into the cold darkness
 23
of midnight blue.
 24
 
 
Not even glinting fireflies,
 25
northern lights,
 26
chirping crickets
 27
or shooting stars,
 28
could keep me asleep
 29
in dreamful ease.
 30
 
 
For if you must know,
 31
you’ve shipwrecked my soul
 32
atop whitewash waves
 33
of chardonnay skies.
 34

11 May 04


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Comments:

someone tell me what's bad about this
 — mrkhoo

lucy in the skyyyyy with diamonds!  Ahhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhh....
 — gdb

is that a song title? beatles to be exact?
 — mrkhoo

4 days and 1 comment! someone tell me what you think of this
 — mrkhoo

my last attempt. someone please comment on this.
 — mrkhoo

problem with this is that it is so ambiguous that it loses all storyline, even though the descriptions are pretty damn good. use of alliteration is great, and makes the poem flow, yet there is seriously a distinct lack of plot. or maybe it's just extremely hidden. whatever the case, it just doesn't seem to go anywhere for me. it has gorgeous lines though, and vivid imagery.
 — wendz

thanks wendz for the comment. i thought i had a story going there. maybe it was a little vague. it was meant to be some sailor/voyager who has no meaning in life, bumps into this girl and finds himself infatuated with him. and every sunset she has to leave him. and well, the rest is self explanatory. does that count as a plot?
 — mrkhoo

and time goes by so fast whenever he's around with her. that might also explain why the poem speeds by ya.
 — unknown

good! really good... i love the visuals this poem inspired in me!! Great job, yih sun!
 — unknown

*gargle* *gurgle*
drowning i so am.
 — unknown

oh, now i see why i didnt read a plot into this before. when you wrote this, you had the story in mind, but got so carried away with the imagery and descriptions that you forgot about the story. or thats what it feels like to me.
 — wendz

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