poetry critical

online poetry workshop



to the flowers that i bought myself
unknown

thank you for the motivation to clean the house,
 1
it needed it. thank you for not minding the plastic
 2
 
 
milk jug that i used for a vase. you deserved better.
 3
thank you for not minding too much my puppy's wet
 4
 
 
nose, as he nibbled a carnation, and bent back a rose.
 5
thank you for your company, as the sun went down.
 6
 
 
its sprays were uncontainable.
 7
 
 
and in their falling light, your silhouette seemed
 8
to appraise the smooth table, my sleeping
 9
 
 
dog, even the rest i took in a sagging chair,
 10
mop bucket draining of everything but stars.
 11

13 Aug 13

Rated 9.5 (9.4) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9, 10, 10
Inactive (15): 6, 7, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(12 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

nice poem,
though line 7 seems a bit out-of-place.  consider omitting and starting 8 with:

'...and in the falling light...'

or something along those lines?
 — JKWeb

thanks, web. glad to see you are still around. :)
 — NicMichaels

i needed this today
i woke up this morning and almost kicked our dog.
what kind of flowers nic?

does L4 need 'of' between much and my?

love the wording, the layout- everything
 — mandolyn

Stunnning, Nic!  I LOVE that last line!  It's special when u can bring an inatimate object 2 life in words.  Hugz!!!  :-)
 — starr

Hey, mandolyn, what I think she's saying is a more awkwardly-worded:

thank you for not minding my puppy's wet feet too much.  At least that's how I understood it.  Hope you're well and enjoyin' yo SUMMAH!  :-)
 — starr

I can see what you're sayin' tho, but if she had written it that way, it wouldn't have the same flow, yo!  :-)
 — starr

wow, thanks all for the crits and the encouragement. glad it worked for you/touched you in some way. good to see some of the best poets here make the time for this. thank you again. peace be with you.
 — NicMichaels

First line hooked me-- and the rest didn't disappoint either.

Wonderful - Real talent.
 — unknown

Although, the first two times i read it i read "stars" as "stairs" in the last line

:-)
 — unknown

ty unk. encouragement is good, so appreciate it.
 — NicMichaels

good writing
 — unknown

Where have you been all my life? Beauteous!
 — onklcrispy

great
 — unknown

Beautiful.
 — 9

i love how real this is. all very riddled with imagery.  i can't find the words to critique in any helpful way these days, but i wanted you to know that i read it, and really liked it.
line 6 might not need that comma, but it's one of those things; doesn't matter much.
 — jenakajoffer

At times the top rated poems leave much to be desired. No?
Your composition does not disappoint.... S5 makes it in my honest opinion.
 — unknown

Wow. Just wow. Gut-wrenching, and tear-jerking in it's haunting solemn sadness. fucking 5/5
 — penandpaper

You spray, like, "It sprays."  "its sprays were uncontainable.|"  Apparently I have to write about a dog pissing all over everything in order to make it to the top ten.  You have solid rhyme and rhythm, but you are pissing all over everything.  And a dog.  Thank God for all of the dead dogs that piss all over everything.
 — percocet

quit f'ing your dog.
 — percocet

even if your dog was eating rancid butter out of the gutter, you would still be dreaming about your dog while you have human sex.
 — percocet

and I am sure that everybody else understands this persons poetry, because it is so concise and unlike bestiality.  It sprays all over you.  
 — percocet

His, "dog," is spraying in your face, and your a bucket.
 — percocet

ignore percocet. it's Mike Bauer pretending to be someone else, again
 — unknown

Whoever wrote this poem is a, "mop bucket."
 — percocet

wow. been a month since I stopped in, life in the way. really appreciate the feedback and the encouragement and the ratings as well. rants welcome. peace be with everybody on this first day of fall! poets, reap the changes.
 — NicMichaels

I like the concept of taking gratification in doing something small for oneself. Very nice.
 — ClickClack

thats really darn good
 — dax

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