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Big Dale's and the Den of Devilry

Eva enters the room,
turns the TV off and stands in front of it.
"Hey, I was watching that," I say.
"Not anymore you're not."
Eva is achingly beautiful, how do I argue?
"Orange is the New Black?" she asks.
"Yeah, it's a show about women in prison," I say.
"I know what it is. But it's still television," she scolds.
Eva is a serious Artist - and I love that about her.
She believes in 'high art'.
Everything is Art to me.
I might find a fat and filthy schizophrenic eating a greasy cheeseburger
in the middle of an indoor mall perfectly beautiful,
so sometimes I think she considers me a bit of a commoner.
There's nothing I'd rather be.
"Let's go," she commands. "I want to show you something."
I love it when she orders me around.
We get into my car and she directs me through town
while trying to find something worth listening to on the radio.
The tiny white hairs on her arm glow in the sun
as her porcelain fingers fiddle with the dial.
The turquoise polish on her chewed-down nails is almost worn away
and I'm afraid to tell her what I really feel.
"It's all just shit," she grumbles.
We pull into a parking lot, get out of the car
and approach a tall, black building.
She wraps both her arms around one of mine.
"There's someone I really want you to meet,"
she whispers excitedly into my ear as we enter.
"Hello beautiful!" a man behind a counter erupts.
"Hi Dale," Eva says.
They're both acting like kids on Christmas morning.
"Dale, I want you to meet someone," she says.
"Welcome to Big Dale's Den of Devilry," he says, extending a hand.
I shake it and look to Eva for some sort of clue
and she stares back at me, in her eyes strange and solemn.
"We're getting married," she says finally,
and I feel the air leave my lungs and enter my stomach.
Then I realize I should say something.
"Oh... congratulations... to both of you," I stammer.
I do my best to hide the shock and pain
and remove a piece of imaginary lint from my shirt-sleeve.
I shake Dale's hand again and try to convince him my approval is genuine.
But we both know it isn't.
And we both pretend it is.
"What in the hell do you sell here anyway?" I ask.

15 Aug 13

Rated 9 (9) by 4 users.
Active (4): 9
Inactive (0): 9, 9, 10

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starr my friend, where you?
I want you to read this beast :-)
Tell me where to trim the cellulite.
 — 9

^ how many of you are there?
 — unknown

i bet they divorce 5 months later

nice read, 9.
i like how you avoid my questions... ;)
 — mandolyn

^Thanks and what question?
 — 9

how have you been?
 — mandolyn

that was one. i can't remember the others, so .. i guess they weren't important.
 — mandolyn

I squat in in a loft above a bike shop in Moab, Utah.
I haven't seen my son in 4 months and I my liver is all but shot.
And even though outwardly I'm not bushy-tailed, inwardly I am golden.
Kind of you to take an interest. How are you? (I'm off to read some of your poems).
 — 9

how old is your son?
i have a picture of me squatting in cabin that was left undone, in Shaver Lake.
i love the word 'squatters'
you should put "and even though outwardly i'm not bushy-tailed, inwardly i'm golden" into a poem. :)

my poems aren't worth reading, but nice of you to want to check them out.

Utah huh? was New Mexico being a jerk?
 — mandolyn

I've been to New Mexico many times. Do you live there?
My son is 14.
I wanted starr to read over this beast.
Where is he when you need him?
 — 9

i have a daughter who is 15 and two boys, younger.
where is your son?

starr will show up. especially if we keep this poem at the top.
i can tell him on facebook if you want.
 — mandolyn

oh, and no, i don't live in New Mexico. i wish.
 — mandolyn

i replace 'at' in line 31 with 'on'
i like L41 a lot, i love awkward gestures
 — mandolyn

Here I am, buddy!  Just read it and now have a mental image of this "beast!"  LOL!  For starters, you've got a "to" you don't need in L16.  The rest, I'm gonna look at over the w/e and hit u back in between my days off.  You've got the whole thing well laid out, however, the reader still won't know where or what this "black building" is.  I think rather than cut out the fat, you need a little more meat here and THEN, start a-trimmin'.  What CHOO think?  
 — starr

Additionally, 9, we don't really know who Eva is.  I can see and feel her, but who is she?  She needs some elaboration as well as the black building.  Keep writing.  Don't worry about trimming just yet.  Get the ideas flowing, develop your characters and location and then we can go from there.  :-)
 — starr

Thanks starr.
Well the 'black' building is a symbol of the mystery of 'him' and the Den of Devilry.
The reader is just as clueless as I am. I am losing her to evil...(or so they seem)
More might be less with this - thanks for your criticism and your time. :-)
 — 9

 — wrong

ace poem. thanks
 — Rossant

the other title was better
 — mandolyn

I love reading the details of your writing. They create a good contrast to the dialogue text.
The short story prose style of your writing tips the balance away from (pure) poetry for me, but I do like reading your pieces :)
 — jenn

'of your writing' should read 'in your writing' :)
 — jenn

Thank you. I like when you read my pieces jenn :)
 — 9