poetry critical

online poetry workshop


when hundreds of children arrived
we shared oxygen masks in shifts
and told them to inhale
while we wiped their secretions
and sang their favorite lullabies.
There was no oxygen.


22 Sep 13

Rated 9 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (0): 9

(define the words in this poem)

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The ending doesn't hit as hard as it should because we already know they're going to die from the first line.
 — thechosenone

Who said they died
 — unknown

1-5 is great, but the ending could be much better.
 — mandolyn

assad approved
 — unknown

The second oxygen isn't needed, I don't think, not only does it repeat but it contradicts the contents of line 3.

I'm no fan of punchline poems, but if they're done right they can be effective.

I have to say this punchline is weak and misses the jaw.

This poem works well on its own, but probably needs some sort of punchline to carry the message to a conclusion.
 — jenn

 — unknown

 — unknown

This versions better I like the fixes to the beginning.
 — thechosenone

breaking baaaaaaaaaaaaa
 — unknown

 — unknown

 — unknown

Hmm, I don't agree. I like line 6. Maybe it was missing before?
 — PatriciaSan

I like the whole poem.
 — PatriciaSan

woke me up
 — unknown

 — unknown