poetry critical

online poetry workshop



laura nesbit: maybe you'll google your name and see this someday
unknown

first noticed you
 1
at the grocery store cafe
 2
 
 
no makeup
 3
 
 
chunky boots
 4
 
 
black leggings
 5
with runs
 6
 
 
unopened spiral notebook
 7
in front of you
 8
on the booth.
 9
 
 
at the time
 10
i had no idea
 11
what flannery o'connor
 12
looked like
 13
 
 
but she
 14
came to mind.
 15
 
 
i've never seen you open the notebook
 16
 
 
you don't sit still long enough for that
 17
 
 
back and forth
 18
 
 
from the booth
 19
to the parking-lot bench
 20
to smoke
 21
 
 
always looking
 22
straight down at the floor
 23
 
 
then off
 24
into a dented red car
 25
with yellow bungie
 26
holding the front bumper on.
 27
 
 
sometimes you're with some
 28
long-haired nomenclature
 29
 
 
it doesn't look like love
 30
 
 
maybe roommates
 31
 
 
or an outdated
 32
bone-marrow lust.
 33
 
 
then i saw your face
 34
and name
 35
while checking the jail listings
 36
for escapees from the halfway house
 37
where i work
 38
 
 
you were in for
 39
a busted tail-light
 40
and arguing with the cops
 41
at three a.m.
 42
 
 
googled your name
 43
 
 
found a single
 44
forgettable poem
 45
on some on-line magazine
 46
called soap
 47
or bubbles
 48
 
 
-the odds of one hack poet
 49
finding another hack poet
 50
in des moines iowa
 51
through this manner
 52
are hopefully not lost
 53
on you-
 54
 
 
started putting my copy
 55
of carver's collected poems
 56
at the edge of my booth
 57
 
 
spine towards you
 58
 
 
but you kept looking at the floor
 59
 
 
or you saw it
 60
 
 
and are as introverted as me
 61
 
 
or i really do
 62
look as much like an unapproachable cop
 63
as they say
 64
 
 
anyhow
 65
 
 
i saw you out in the grocery store parking lot
 66
a couple minutes ago
 67
 
 
bend down furtively
 68
and pick up that cigarette butt
 69
 
 
lit it
 70
smoked it
 71
 
 
desperate
 72
with style
 73
and a few ounces of shame.
 74
 
 
it shouldn't
 75
absolutely shouldn't
 76
 
 
but it really
 77
 
 
turned me on.
 78

13 Oct 13

Rated 9.6 (9.6) by 10 users.
Active (10):
Inactive (9): 7, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(8 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

I almost want to fave this. Good shit.
 — yield

How do you know her name?
 — unknown

haha! this is great. i love the hack poet line. stalk nicely. :)
 — mandolyn

this is amazing writing...
 — brother_sun

its what they say wow them in the end and youve got yourself a movie..you can have flaws but wow them in the end and youve got yourself a hit..this does just that..really nice..
 — brother_sun

clunky boots sounds awkward.

flannery o'connor, two seconds to type in her name to find out.

she escaped from your halfway house, or you checked from it?

I like it.
 — unknown

i wonder what the definition is of a "hack poet"...lol
 — brother_sun

"bone-marrow lust." -- the marrying of romanticism and an ironic wit is in it! well=done!
 — AlchemiA

^ i also love the 'bone marrow lust' line.
 — mandolyn

Thisn is a WOW poem. Coolly  full of desperation
 — larrylark

Fuckin' aMAZING!  :-)
 — starr

66-78 have that "urban" appeal that is so prevalent these days.  I see similar scenarios in my day 2 day travels, so I can really, really relate 2 these particular lines!  GOOD job putting 'em 2 words!  :-)
 — starr

her poems are in shampoo issue 34- and they are great.
 — mandolyn

I would move that last line up. Bravo, poet!
 — unknown

Brilliant the title is so funny
 — thechosenone

"bone-marrow lust"--what a great phrase. Ls 65-78, great ending. (I hope you offered her a new cigarette.)
So...was the grocery store the HyVee on Fluer Drive? or the Dahls on Ingersoll, just east of the Greenwood Lounge? (my old stomping ground) Just wondering. :)
 — clupeidae

punctuation.
 — percocet

Lines 32 and 33 - stunning..as is the whole piece
 — wdgreen340

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This is pretty damn great.
 — unknown

Reads like a short film. Nice piece.
 — trochee

I think i saw this on craigs list in the women seeking women section of san fran
ca.
 — percocet

This is one of the greatest poems I've ever read online. You have to IMMEDIATELY SUBMIT THIS FOR PUBLICATION PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GODdddddddddd the world must read your work!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 — penandpaper

this poem makes me want to go to Walmart and buy a foot long for a guy in sretch pants.  
 — percocet

^ Mike Bauer wearing his mothers dress
 — unknown

His mothers dress, Mike Bauer wears.
 — unknown

^ fuck off, Bauer, you cunt
 — unknown

I'll call him Laura, for the guy that calls me Mike.
 — percocet

Bauer. You're not anywhere close to being as smart and inventive as you think you are.

You can't get away from being the cunt you are, and that shows through everything you write and do.

Go and post some more adverts on peoples poems to get the attention you so obviously desperately need.
 — unknown

U can't use Bauer in first person.
 — percocet

new poem
 — percocet

sort of interesting, well written: why not think it's pretty good for a poem...?
 — cadmium

bauer comes out of his mothers closet to shit all over PC again.
 — unknown

my favorite critic is gordon ramsey -- this one is well crafted and with interesting flavors and it doesn't fall apart after first reading. i like it, too, because it's not a poem i could write.
 — cadmium

love this.
 — rolapoin

How remarkable it’s when you have buy michael kors handbags cheap uk most high quality handbags!
 — Jennyelsie

i love this. i can't even explain. it's so wonderful. i hope you find her.
 — mould_jesus

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