poetry critical

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crazy since birth
kripto

more like a slim shady styled rap...

I came into this world disoriented
 1
Came out crying, upset, when the doc left me tormented
 2
I pulled out a katana from my mom’s vagina
 3
I pulled back ready to swing, love for baseball, almost cut off my wings
 4
But I didn’t, I cut off the awful mans head off
 5
I was a baby so they let me go, another act and I’d be fed to the crow
 6
But I aint a baby no more, so I returned to the hospital
 7
Pissed at the scum that dragged me into this world
 8
Walked in holding a .44 magnum revolver
 9
Found it on the floor, left there from years ago
 10
Dirty Harry is dead, must have been his when he got shot in the head
 11
Ready to kill, even impregnate, a bitch with my seed
 12
Create a devilish spawn to avenge me for when I expire from weed
 13
im eatin the crows while killin the medical staff
 14
came here, slaughtering, to develop my craft
 15
walked by the baby infirmary to let out my wrath
 16
but I cant kill em, Ill take one to be my robin
 17
I the batman as we instigate death, so I pull out my glock and point it at the doctor’s head
 18
And with a twitch of my finger, boom boom pow, the doctor is dead
 19
Leavin something to be desired, emptiness filling my lifelessness
 20
Painted the wall behind him with a crimson red
 21
Real nice color, I thought to myself, walkin out with robin on my back, and body’s laying in a stacks, hopin my whole life aint gonna be wack
 22

13 Oct 13


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Comments:

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 — kripto

No.  I write Rap too, but this is sooooo all over the place.  I can hear the music in parts of this, but it's more like hyperspillage of words and sentences that just don't connect or have any real meaning.  Check out my rap (It's in my poems.) called "Rap For The Haters" and then check out my other rap entitled "Yo Head Up."

I listen to Rap sometimes and in this particular piece, the timing is off, you've got extra words (like "off" in L5) they rhyming doesn't flow well and there's no beat to it.  I don't mean 2b hard, but this is what critique is about:  to make YOU a better writer, a better lanaguage sculptor, a better rapper.  Hope this helps.  :-)
 — starr

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