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Never Truly Free
sunhands

My greatest addiction and deepest high: a backpack hanging from my shoulders, filled with bare survival and the only things I'd miss. Everything starts to look strange, you could call it a hallucinogen. Every alleyway becomes a possibility, every forest gains a certain gravity. It pulls me in, like a planet pulls its moons. And I "wander" hypnotically into its branches like teeth, and am devoured.
 1

15 Oct 13

Rated 10 (9.5) by 2 users.
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Comments:

F*cking awesome. I agree.
 — yield

YES
 — unknown

This is so great, especially the last three words, yum.

Don't like "possibility" or "wander, hypnotically, willingly". They're not surprising enough.
 — emmasnow

Yeild, I'm glad you feel it. Thanks for the response, man.

Unknown, THANK YOU.

Emmasnow, I agree! I felt the same way about those words when writing it, but was a little stuck on what to replace them with or how to improve.. any suggestions?
 — sunhands

Wanderlust :)
 — 9

Love the oxymoron "deepest high" as well as the simile "It pulls me in, like..."

“it’s” on last line should be “its” (no apostrophe). I’d take out either “hypnotically” or “willingly”. No need for both. Or better yet, how about "And I fall into its branches..."?

I'm normally not a "yum" kind of guy, but ditto emmasnow re. the last 3 words.
 — clupeidae

9, you get it.

clupeidae, I fixed it, I think. I like hypnotically because it grasps at the idea in the title, that even in complete freedom we are slaves to those addictions and desires. saying "fall" takes away that intentionality to me a little bit. does that make sense? Do you think it still flows?
 — sunhands

I suffer from the wanderlust yes.
I very much enjoyed this. You captured it well :)
I'm wondering about the title.
The wanderlust is never leads to freedom,
and yet in the poem it seems to.
 — 9

wow, this is really good. wait, did you change this up?
i always liked the title, now the poem is in zipped up in my hoodie. :)
 — mandolyn

Nice fix. Yeah, you’re right. “wander hypnotically" does make more sense.
 — clupeidae

wanderlust never leads*
 — 9

This how great poems sound and sing
 — larrylark

9, I was grabbing at the feeling of how, even in my "ultimate" freedom and complete lack of commitment, I become a slave to the nature around me. In the poem, I tried to illustrate this through being drawn "hypnotically" into the wilderness. I've found the more time I spend on the road, the more uncomfortable I am in a stable or civilized environment. In this sense, I leave a life of being a slave to the system, and become a slave to the road. Does that make sense? I feel like I did a poor job conveying that in the poem.

Mandolyn, I changed one word, I got rid of the word "willingly." I'm glad you enjoyed it!!!

larrylark, Thank you!! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
 — sunhands

Instead of alleyway what about country lane. Alleyways are too urban.
 — lucion

Beautifully written.
 — jenn

Ooooooooooooooooo!!!  I love the part about "the moons!"  I'd say:  "It pulls me in like a planet pulls in its moons."  The "in" would balance out the entire sentence, me thinks.  Otherwise, I'm wondering what would happen if you broke this up a little bit and made better use of the white space?  What'cha think?  Maybe also, change alleyway to "pathway?"  I'm not feeling anything too city-like in this at all and the "alleyway" perplexes me.  Also, would it read better with bare surival "items" or "tools" or something of the like?  I don't know...I'm merely making suggestions.  I like the timbre of it tho.  Nice tone all around.  :-)
 — starr

Oops...forgot 2 mention that if you go with "pathway," the "p" sonic will carry across from the "p" sonic in "possibility."  Maybe I'm over-reading it/disecting it too much???  This might help give u some ideas and if not, no worries.  It's YOUR poem (and I like it a lot.):  v

My deepest high:
a backpack hanging off
the cliffs of my shoulders,
addicted to the things I'd miss
and everything starts to look strange.

(You COULD leave off the hallucinogen reference and the part about the forest and the certain gravity and dive into the next line.  Again, YOUR call.)  v

Every pathway pulls me in
like the planets pull in their moons
and I wander (no quotes on wander)
into the toothy breyer branches
only to be devoured.

^ Just suggestions.  Good luck!  :-)
 — starr

Nice. Short, sweet, to the point. Like the ending.
 — BrianCowan

I'm not sure if we forgot the line breaks or there are meant to be none.
 — technomancer

All you need is joy. And enough in a backpack to sustain it. Interesting how people who live in such 'relatively original cultures' think there culture is so dry and common and plane because the have not traveled to see all the contrasts of the other lands and places. I live in Thailand, people here cant even appreciate stairway to heaven when they hear it. Culture and places people are raised open/expand their minds but also close/shrink them too. Travel is good.
 — combinedTLNT

Beautiful in all its brevity. But why the quotation marks around wander? I hate those things, the way they drag your eyes back and forth. Everything else is perfect.
 — PatriciaSan

If you were a mechanic and for 24/7 only saw the underside of a car....if you were a car painter and for 24/7 only saw the side of a car... if you were a newscaster forever doomed to ride a helicopter 24/7 looking down upon all cars....do  you think each person might have a different perspective....different story about the same car?

What would different perspectives be for  your "car"
 — whburling

Very Cool !
 — springtao

I like the idea of this.  I wish you didn't use wander in quotes like that.  It's too direct in my opinion.  The wander says says "the opposite of not all who wander are lost, pls."
 — Infrangible

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