music died with lights on
you saw me blush
and clinged to whisper
"i am not a dancer"
yet, the blues got me
with a mix of vodka;
simply a night to fall in love
making me hate your naïveté
21 Nov 13
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I think this is really good and captures insecurities and mood beautifully with an admirable economy of words. Just great, but I think a little punctuation (esp lines 6/7) would not go astray and I wonder about the spelling of naivety?
i added 'hinting' to set a flirtatious mood more than being insecure. i hope i made the proper tweaks as advised. gracias.
Hi, the semi colon helps steer the reader better IMHO. "blush" is probably the word that triggered insecurity for me. Anyway, as said, really enjoyed it. Also, it was quite flirtatious before the addition of "hinting".
ok, i acknowledge insecurity. cling is another keyword there. blush is for a bit of shame to a dead music used as metaphor.
i appreciated you are too sharp to catch what's going on inside. i was anticipating deep poem moment anytime soon and i'm not even halfway.
..do i need to scrap 'hinting'?
thanks again, scottea. ;-)
Hi again, I would scrap "hinting" and for what it's worth i would consider letting the paint dry for a couple of reasons. 1) instant pudding tastes like shit 2) I reckon the changes confuse the readers. Cheers, Scott.
whatever you meant there...
hinting remains..find it elsewhere if you can. ;-)
*this goes out to you, my baby. i love you. happy birthday!
^^^ Awaiting pome moment but this one got character nonetheless
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