poetry critical

online poetry workshop



the blues
unknown

music died with lights on
 1
you saw me blush
 2
and clinged to whisper
 3
"i am not a dancer"
 4
yet, the blues got me
 5
with a mix of vodka;
 6
simply a night to fall in love
 7
making me hate your naïveté
 8

21 Nov 13

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

I think this is really good and captures insecurities and mood beautifully with an admirable economy of words. Just great, but I think a little punctuation (esp lines 6/7) would not go astray and I wonder about the spelling of naivety?
 — scottnoidea

i added 'hinting' to set a flirtatious mood more than being insecure. i hope i made the proper tweaks as advised. gracias.
 — unknown

Hi, the semi colon helps steer the reader better IMHO. "blush" is probably the word that triggered insecurity for me. Anyway, as said, really enjoyed it. Also, it was quite flirtatious before the addition of "hinting".  
 — scottnoidea

ok, i acknowledge insecurity. cling is another keyword there. blush is for a bit of shame to a dead music used as metaphor.
i appreciated you are too sharp to catch what's going on inside. i was anticipating deep poem moment anytime soon and i'm not even halfway.
..do i need to scrap 'hinting'?
thanks again, scottea. ;-)
 — unknown

Hi again, I would scrap "hinting" and for what it's worth i would consider letting the paint dry for a couple of reasons. 1) instant pudding tastes like shit 2) I reckon the changes confuse the readers. Cheers, Scott.
 — scottnoidea

whatever you meant there...
hinting remains..find it elsewhere if you can. ;-)
 — unknown

*this goes out to you, my baby. i love you. happy birthday!
 — unknown

^^^ Awaiting pome moment but this one got character nonetheless
 — unknown

0.285s