poetry critical

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FROM THE MOODY BANKS OF THE WHISKERS
fractalcore

ayes the spell'unks with the lights ouch --
 1
silent as the lateral waves unexplained;
 2
padded with rock-hard turbulence,
 3
knees the karst like karts to neverwhere...
 4
 
 
hands- and foot-prints engrave themselves
 5
deep in the walls of lime,
 6
 
 
the chandelier drips with futuristic red acid,
 7
acrid with yesterdays:
 8
 
 
stones skipping pointed holes in time.
 9




for
#blackswan

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
-----{@

26 Nov 13

Rated 9 (9.7) by 1 users.
Active (1): 9
Inactive (2): 10, 10

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Comments:

nice, heavy poem.  maybe omit a few words?
like "with futuristic" in 7 and "pointed" in 9?
hope you don't mind the suggestions.
 — JKWeb

consummate for my taste.  s1 delivers it strong a palpable spelunking theme. the rest is universal as the hashtag implies it, though doesn't work here on poetry critical site. i suppose this gets to #blackswan community (hoping it turns blue :))
 — catch-22

i know it will not turn blue but tried it anyway...line 4 saturates with k. why not  try knowhere in lieu of neverwhere..i need not reiterate this is perfect as it is.
 — catch-22

i'm faving this, fractalcore. you got poetry reserve in your name - a genius, you are.
you really got me with 'trans(E)missions from my tEnt'. your muse must be a poet too. :>)
 — catch-22

:)
 — unknown

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