poetry critical

online poetry workshop



People cant see
kripto

People can not see
 1
For we are Unaware of what is
 2
Littering humanity with Ignorant faces, and samo for ages
 3
Tripping over the pressures, missing out on easily pursuit able treasures
 4
Whole new world, not so brave, ignorance is bliss
 5
Everything satisfied with only another twist
 6
 
 
So we awaken everyday with thoughts of apathy
 7
Brushed away by thoughts of urgency
 8
The sun may rise every morning, but it always sets, leaving us again in the dark
 9
Wrapped in the darkness we are left without sight
 10
Stumbling carefully through our days, as if they were night
 11

8 Dec 13

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Comments:

deep
 — unknown

L's 1 & 2 make no sense whatsoever.  Dump 'em.  
L3 - Laces rhymes with faces, but you don't need it.  It bring nothing special to the mix.

L4 - Again, too rhymey-rhymey.  Keep either "pressure" or "treasure."
You also don't need L's 5&6.  Too rhymey and again, they bring nothing to the mix.

L7 "Who" awakens.  You?  If so, indicate that.  
L9 Why do you have "morning" and "mourning?"  Use one or the other.  If "morning," try a similar word (dawn, daybreak, sunrise, etc...).
L10 Insert a comma after "darkness,"  Say this:  "We are left in the dark,"  Naturally, we are left w/o sight if we're in the dark, right?  

This seems like a huge blob of words and phrases that simply does not connect very well.   Sounds like you know what u wanna say, but you're trying to say it with too much effort.  

Take a deep breath, go back 2 the beginning and see if u can reel this in.  As it stands, it's a hot mess.  I'd suggest a complete rewrite.  Don't TRY so hard 2b "poetic."  Let the words flow like music.  Hope this helps.  Good luck.  :-)
 — starr

re-written
 — kripto

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