poetry critical

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People cant see

People can not see
For we are Unaware of what is
Littering humanity with Ignorant faces, and samo for ages
Tripping over the pressures, missing out on easily pursuit able treasures
Whole new world, not so brave, ignorance is bliss
Everything satisfied with only another twist
So we awaken everyday with thoughts of apathy
Brushed away by thoughts of urgency
The sun may rise every morning, but it always sets, leaving us again in the dark
Wrapped in the darkness we are left without sight
Stumbling carefully through our days, as if they were night

8 Dec 13

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 — unknown

L's 1 & 2 make no sense whatsoever.  Dump 'em.  
L3 - Laces rhymes with faces, but you don't need it.  It bring nothing special to the mix.

L4 - Again, too rhymey-rhymey.  Keep either "pressure" or "treasure."
You also don't need L's 5&6.  Too rhymey and again, they bring nothing to the mix.

L7 "Who" awakens.  You?  If so, indicate that.  
L9 Why do you have "morning" and "mourning?"  Use one or the other.  If "morning," try a similar word (dawn, daybreak, sunrise, etc...).
L10 Insert a comma after "darkness,"  Say this:  "We are left in the dark,"  Naturally, we are left w/o sight if we're in the dark, right?  

This seems like a huge blob of words and phrases that simply does not connect very well.   Sounds like you know what u wanna say, but you're trying to say it with too much effort.  

Take a deep breath, go back 2 the beginning and see if u can reel this in.  As it stands, it's a hot mess.  I'd suggest a complete rewrite.  Don't TRY so hard 2b "poetic."  Let the words flow like music.  Hope this helps.  Good luck.  :-)
 — starr

 — kripto