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remembering tenderness
DeformedLion

to be honest i don't.
 1
 
 
i remember becoming 'william'
 2
who was shoved
 3
into the story
 4
of my name, i am
 5
 
 
memories of colour
 6
slouching "yellow"-
 7
 
 
   the first of the sunflowers and the stripe
 8
   of bee in wonder,
 9
   my mother called me away from
 10
   a swollen hand
 11
   as if nature were more cruel than
 12
   shade.  
 13
   my fingers later would curl beneath
 14
   petals,
 15
   sun-stung
 16
   by your buzz.
 17
 
 
or coming home from school on the august path
 18
when the wind kicks back and i am
 19
another distanced yellow, this time smudged on concrete
 20
slabs, i drew our family in crayon
 21
and it rains tomorrow
 22
but you're there in brightness
 23
till the shade limps in.
 24
 
 
though this is cruel to me,
 25
that i am born and that i have died
 26
that your arms cradle
 27
a fleece blanket with milk stains
 28
so long dried that it seems to
 29
map a crust of youth.
 30
 
 
that is your grace holding me-
 31
a trussed egg
 32
split on chicken wire, like blue
 33
eyes over a coal stove
 34
love has cunted my
 35
memories into scrap paper-dolls
 36
nest on the fridge door.
 37
 
 
blue--
 38
something fainter than simply naming me
 39
as yours, a throat of me
 40
not the cold remorse of your tongue
 41
imagining teeth of the prettiest white
 42
as pretty as horses running paddocks
 43
something clenched as i was
 44
to your warm breast,
 45
though at the time i couldn't pretend
 46
 
 
and my tears wronged you,
 47
you were strange after that,
 48
you plied your hands at crafting nets
 49
from animal bones, told me
 50
we are trapped in
 51
bodies we don't deserve-
 52
 
 
i understand now, you thought life
 53
was nothing more than
 54
a river you could bend.
 55
 
 
you bent my mouth into words
 56
like 'love', like i was a son
 57
you could catch in a jar,
 58
splinter my heart to yours
 59
and make me call it so.
 60
 
 
make me say i am yours.
 61
hard to picture anything
 62
more cruel than being naked
 63
or faultless- a black & white
 64
swarmed by magnet fields-
 65
and it is the same death again
 66
as that memory
 67
 
 
a tense flicker and something like
 68
a sermon of heat as i can still
 69
hear your whimper
 70
on my winter pelt- skinned
 71
rabbit, you told me clean
 72
that i wore my father's jaw
 73
his eyes
 74
his paleness.
 75
 
 
now it seems he was a ghost
 76
you unravelled from picked
 77
threads- you started at my toes,
 78
it was his skin, you yelled,
 79
and you continued to alter with slivers
 80
until i was a blood bag
 81
my hair stuck like straw knives
 82
in your skin- hands so
 83
sticky with his love,
 84
his red offering,
 85
 
 
yet you scrubbed us off silently until your skin
 86
shone. it was like every bit of ugly had drained  
 87
and your heart so maimed with memory
 88
forgets.
 89
 
 
but i sift through colour like seashells,
 90
till the blue returns with its soft memories
 91
and the yellow; bright flame
 92
and the red can be let go- that is you,
 93
with love, my other heart, a storm of whispers
 94
and a fist for this:
 95
 
 
flensed tenderness.
 96

15 Dec 13

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Comments:

"remembering tenderness"

to be honest, I don't.

"i recall becoming william,
who was shoved into
the story of my name;
memories of colour—

8-17.  (16/17, and that you stain, could be removed or revised)

18-24 are really nice.  go easy on the licking, if i may say so...shade licks, a bit overused in your stuff.

you know i love it, but i see where you get off on a tangent; you start ejaculating all over the place and you can't stop.

lo, the rale of restrain! and sometimes, you introduce too many characters and distractions for the reader to handle.  i was thrown by 'father' when he appeared in lines 70 something.  and that part is ok, but going off on father through 81 and so forth, gets me all muddled up.

27-30 is absolute beauty, you've really captured this feeling; cradle, fleece blanket, so nurturing.  *sigh*

screaming nails is pushing me away, i wish you'd tame the beast a little sometimes, and i might ditch "Scrap" and just have paper dolls.  nice image, nesting on the fridge.

too many 'that's' going on.  that you, that i wore, that i am born, that is your grace, that i have died, etc etc...
ditch 'it was like'

maybe 'still feel your wimper on my winter pelt' instead of 'hear'?  i get the rabbit, maybe delete that part.

there is a lot of death going on, metaphorically and spiritually, dark, ghosts and parental figures.  what happened?  this bit about father, like i said, is a story unclear.

the last stanza is warm and brilliant, i love the colours and the balloon is my favourite even though i hate balloons and have a real phobia for them.

might say
"called tenderness"  to end it.  maybe for the rhythm, that extry syllable of "it" isn't jiving with your song.

knowing you, you won't edit.  so whatever.

sticky with love.  :)
 — jenakajoffer

16/17--maybe:

sun-stung
with your buzz
 — DeformedLion

deleted from 31-
like when sailors search
the night for every piece
of starlight, every sliver
of wind that will bring them
back to bones.
 — DeformedLion

made a bunch of cuts and relapses...and i get what you mean with "his"- yeah, i don't know either..."his" in 86 becomes "us" though, maybe bill is the ghost child of your love that you have so fondly broken- have deformed. :p
 — DeformedLion

i love the word flensed. i HAD to put it somewhere.
 — DeformedLion

sometimes you are so fat that i wonder how you can move those fingers at all.

to me, i feel the need to tighten that loose pussy of yours, like how i might say:
I remember becoming william,
shoved into the story...what i'm doing is omitting the unnecessary vocabulary that you hang onto with such tenacity.  'who was' really isn't needed, and it clouds the poem into a big sloppy obese mf.

like line 31:
"your grace holds me,
your pain still clenches blindly
onto something"

it needs to become more active, less passive, though it's fine to say bill is passive, but the voice need not be.

now go scrub me silently in the corner, i feel a bit dirty.
 — jenakajoffer

i like that you changed the title back to the original

and that you deleted the sailor part.

flensed, i have never heard of that word. i'll look it up. not sure i like the sonics but i'll bet you do.  :)
 — jenakajoffer

i fucking love the sonics. :)

hey, i have done more editing on this poem than i have done on all my others all damn year.
 — DeformedLion

a pink star for you!
 — jenakajoffer

removing whale blubber? really? that's far out man. mummy must've taught you that word.

yeah, i like it.
 — jenakajoffer

Replace flense with colon cleanse
 — unknown

Brilliantly brilliant
 — unknown

i kind of saw what you were saying, and then i parachuted into oblivion.

made a few little cuts along the way.
 — DeformedLion

You got rid of my luftballons.

Cunted my memories, well that hurts.  I like the trussed egg and chicken wire.

I don't see any other notable changes; you certainly have a disease that confuses the economy of words with a smorgasbord.

I love the "catching son in a jar line", it sticks out most for me, so visual and I adore the sun/son possibility and the reminder if fireflies. Which are yellowy when they glow :)
 — jenakajoffer

Like blue eyes over a coal stove- is shit. Cunted seems harsh but fits, dont know what else to do with that stanza pretty sure I should nix it. Though I like the paper dolls...but my little blue bike is stuck in the mud.
 — DeformedLion

dl, "my house is full of furniture, my gardens full of plants"

help!!!!! oh help!!!

Or just post a new poem :-)
 — ElsieTime

or lol, the other way around?

:-) i miss reading your poems
 — ElsieTime

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