|I beg love
Write me love letters,
seduce me in gold ink
laced around my neck.
I'd wear it beautifully
like precious metals;
walk proud and tall
as miss universe.
with your distinctive voice
i love reading your genius
the eloquence of pounding sonics;
rouse me with glam
don't sleep on me.
18 Dec 13
Rated 9.7 (10) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10, 10
Inactive (1): 9, 10
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I am reading this poem, and loving every line, every word. Somehow, though, the last line seems a little out of place.
Thank you for the feedback. How would you suggest to end it with? Or should I stop at 13?
really, there's a lot to like in this.
I wonder if you were to change line 9 to distinctive would it not be more in line with the upmarket/sophisticate that you're trying to portray?
Along the same line of thinking , if you were to address the lack of punctuation and capitalization would this not enhance the reader's perception of this woman?
Thanks for the read, Scott
hoping for an explanation on the last two lines. It's a little clumsy. Is she aroused and he's bored perhaps? Like she's craving for his attention but he's aloof? Hope to hear - Scott.
P.S. as said - if you capitalize and address grammar you will enhance this piece
Thank you, Scott. I will try to figure later what you exactly mean about enhancing the woman as to punctuation and capitalization.
On last two lines, it seems you can't go wrong about it. I can't find a more appropriate last line as replacement. In fact, it's a giveaway. |13 stays.
Scott, you confused me with distinct and distinctive i had to look up. Something I picked up goes, "But there is much semantic overlap, so one can often be replaced with the other with hardly any change in meaning." Nonetheless, your suggestion was the better choice in terms of sophistication.
Going more technical as to punctuation and capitalization is a weakness of mine. I I'd rather go minimal to be safe but your critical conduct is what I probably need in this site > much appreciated, really.
I'm pleased you made those changes - they definitely improve the poem and I think that because the woman is the narrator then the poem becomes more polished when you puctuate in accordance with the tone and air of sophistication that you gave your charactor. It's also a lot easier to read when punctuated properly and while on this site it appears not many would agree with me it gives your product a more finished and professional appearance. If you are not confident about grammar people wil soon point out mistakes and thats how you learn. Have a good day, Scott.
my only suggestion would be to put a space between 3-4, 7-8, 11-12. not sure why that's important but I think it is.
p.s. I like the title too.