stitching the skin
where the memory of you
opens festering wounds
I try to mend the sun
in our tragic serenade
into your revelation vein
and pull the plug
on the breath that says
19 Dec 13
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Strong Web, well done.
i bow to this poem.
many thanks 9 and mandolyn. this is an oldie that I recently edited.
glad you like those lines.
short, sweet agony.
great sonics, too... too smooth
to even get noticed.
thanks for reading and making it a fave fractalcore. Happy New Year.
Brilliance! In L11, I'd say "we were through" where in L10, the breath "said." Does this make sense? In L10, you're in the Imperfect, so in L11, you'd wanna be in the Preterite (Past Tense.) :-)
I really enjoyed your poem. I wonder if perhaps line 10 might read better in present tense (in keeping with the rest) by changing to "says"? Thanks for the read.
many thanks starr and scott. you're both correctomundo about the tense being dence. edit done. gratitude.
memory and fresh is an awkward pairing to me. I think more of memory and old, as old wounds, but whatever.
i don't like 'where' on its own line, maybe just tuck that up in line 1.
nice poem other than a couple noggles. I liked cry cyanide, but mending the sun was a bit of a stretch for me.
I moved 'where' to line 2. I think I had posted the way I had hand written on a sticky note. I see what you mean with 'fresh' and 'old' howevs the memory continues to wound . hence the fresh wounds.
on the other hand... old wounds works too. as might 'ancient' or 'dormant'. hmm.. what say you jen?
Wounds are wounds, don't get fancy. It doesn't matter what word you put in front of it, it'll still be a boring ol' wound. So, keep it simple, because wound is a simple word. I'd stick with old or new. It's the single syllable that helps make wound work.
But that's jussme ;)
hello again jen,
I decided to go with 'festering' as I like the sonics. thanks again for your feedback and Happy New Year :)
i am not surprised at all, james. festering works perfectly for you; it's a web word!
LAst stanza is borderline "oxymoronic" and i love it!
thanks majan. glad you seems to likes.
i do , i do, i do!