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stitching the skin
where the memory of you
opens festering wounds
I try to mend the sun
in our tragic serenade
cry cyanide
into your revelation vein
and pull the plug
on the breath that says
we’re through

19 Dec 13

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10, 10
Inactive (5): 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(173 more poems by this author)

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Strong Web, well done.
 — 9

i bow to this poem.
 — mandolyn

many thanks 9 and mandolyn.  this is an oldie that I recently edited.
 — JKWeb

Excellent.  7-8
 — unknown

thnx unknown,
glad you like those lines.
 — JKWeb

short, sweet agony.
great sonics, too... too smooth
to even get noticed.

 — fractalcore

thanks for reading and making it a fave fractalcore.  Happy New Year.
 — JKWeb

Brilliance!  In L11, I'd say "we were through" where in L10, the breath "said."  Does this make sense?  In L10, you're in the Imperfect, so in L11, you'd wanna be in the Preterite (Past Tense.)  :-)
 — starr

I really enjoyed your poem. I wonder if perhaps line 10 might read better in present tense (in keeping with the rest) by changing to "says"? Thanks for the read.
Cheers, Scott
 — scottnoidea

many thanks starr and scott.  you're both correctomundo about the tense being dence.  edit done.  gratitude.
 — JKWeb

memory and fresh is an awkward pairing to me.  I think more of memory and old, as old wounds, but whatever.

i don't like 'where' on its own line, maybe just tuck that up in line 1.

nice poem other than a couple noggles. I liked cry cyanide, but mending the sun was a bit of a stretch for me.  
 — jenakajoffer

thanks jen.
I moved 'where' to line 2.  I think I had posted the way I had hand written on a sticky note.  I see what you mean with 'fresh' and 'old' howevs the memory continues to wound .  hence the fresh wounds.
 — JKWeb

on the other hand... old wounds works too.  as might 'ancient' or 'dormant'.  hmm.. what say you jen?
 — JKWeb

Wounds are wounds, don't get fancy. It doesn't matter what word you put in front of it, it'll still be a boring ol' wound. So, keep it simple, because wound is a simple word. I'd stick with old or new. It's the single syllable that helps make wound work.

But that's jussme ;)
 — jenakajoffer

hello again jen,
I decided to go with 'festering' as I like the sonics.  thanks again for your feedback and Happy New Year :)
 — JKWeb

i am not surprised at all, james.  festering works perfectly for you; it's a web word!
 — jenakajoffer

LAst stanza is borderline "oxymoronic" and i love it!
 — majan

thanks majan.   glad you seems to likes.
 — JKWeb

i do , i do, i do!
 — majan