poetry critical

online poetry workshop



good-bye my almost had it
unknown

i wanted to sink into your afterlife
 1
breathe as your wife
 2
small bouts of air
 3
between our lungs–
 4
 
 
my only regret
 5
is how my lips mouthed no
 6
when you came in for a kiss;
 7
 
 
though it pulled my skin
 8
to go to war
 9
had it been
 10
yes
 11

31 Dec 13

Rated 10 (7.2) by 1 users.
Active (1): 1
Inactive (6): 1, 5, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

It's alright, I have a small suggestion for rephrasing as the "I wanted" and "but" is ruining this.

Deleted line 8 and remove "but" with "knowing".
 — jenakajoffer

Forgive my typos, it's hot, dark and very early, can't get used to the time change so my eyes are fuzzy.
 — jenakajoffer

?
your suggestions are very fuzzy. L8 doesn't have a "but"
lol
 — unknown

knowing our skin would go to war.
i gotcha.
 — unknown

Its nice to eat guacamole with the 'family.'
This poem is nice too
 — yield

"how i wanted our skin
to go to war"

Nice.
 — unknown

i never said line 8 had a 'but'.

your changes are better now that you removed the 'but', however you didn't nail the message.

how i wanted?
blah
 — jenakajoffer

it's just dumb words. nothing special. i don't really care about it. should i?
 — unknown

no.  we're just talking.  but it does say now that your only regret was how you wanted your skin to go to war.  which is fine.  knowing and wanting are different; knowing is better.  but who cares.
 — jenakajoffer

i like the goodbye part the best :)
 — jenakajoffer

my favorite is L6
 — unknown


 — unknown

Should've known it was you
 — jenakajoffer

it's kinda me. i'm so bored i wish i was hungry. :)
 — unknown

I'm not bored. I'm on a pirate ship playing Uno.

Go have some cereal, it'll make you hungry.
 — jenakajoffer

this is one of those poems i will always have fun with.
 — unknown

gneiss.
;)
 — fractalcore

Not feeling this.  It seems stuck in the middle of nowhere trying 2 come out, but as it stands, it's like random thoughts that are trying  to connect, but that remain fairly DISconnected.  It's like a shorted wire.  There's a spark, but no real current.  L's 8 - 11 seem lost and are lacking cohesion.  Also a little perplexed by the trademark at the end of L4.  Sorry.  :-(
 — starr

well when i move it to my name, i promise you, you won't feel it either. :-D
thanks, starr!

and frac, i will move it soon so i'm sorry. thanks for fav'ing it! i love your wacky :)
 — unknown

how many alteregos do you have here, rubber mandee?

i like that this is not written to spoonfeed the (lazy) reader, albeit jagged in places.

splendid linebreaks.

;)
 — fractalcore

lol, i only have 2 other ones. well, three if you count my husband who wrote ONE poem 4 years ago and then said poetry is dumb. :)
i only use his if it's an emergency and i have nowhere else to put my words.
 — unknown

but me and zadraph have a joint account on here. although he is in jail right now and i may never be able to poetry with him again. :(
 — unknown

zadraph is an asshole on here and in real life. go figure.
 — unknown

^ whut? no he's not. he's actually really funny. he's like the little brother i always wanted but he's older. that's what is "go figure"
 — unknown

hmm, zadraph. gneiss name.
:)
 — fractalcore

^ i think you'd really like him frac
 — mandolyn

zadraph's in jail?!
 — Modiva

^ last i knew he was in jail. (a friend of his in real life told me on FB) haven't heard from him so i assume he is still there. do you know him modiva?
 — mandolyn

yes
 — Modiva

yeah, i don't know a lot, but i do know some. i see you found me on FB so i will fill you in there. :)
 — mandolyn

0.229s