poetry critical

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lips in the mirror i found your face slowly
shots in the darkness
yet not of destruction in the traditional sense
i found my 60 proof nightmares
unrelenting and aluring.
when the sun went down tonight
i found myself together like little atoms clutching
there destiny.
i take a drink slowly and thoughtfully
knowing it might be worth it to feel worthless
right now.

26 May 04

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oodle gollies
 — unknown

First, "there" in l8 should be "their". "There" is a place, like where I'm sitting. "Their" is a possessive pronoun as in something that belongs to something.

The piece has a good idea going. I like your atmosphere, but some things kinda break it up. Take l3: when you say "in the traditional sense" it really wrecks everything that came before. That particular clause is like an "oops" mistake. It's little off-kilter, and the poem slides into a puddle of mud at that point.

I also think that a uniform present-tense narrative would be much more compelling than what you've got now. You've got a mixture, but it's really ineffective. Past doesn't always help, but present would be perfect.
 — zepplin42

yeah this is one poem of mine that i really like but i agree that it truly needs a bit of revision. posted mainly to get some ideas from outside influences, thank you for those criticisms i think i'll probably begin some revision soon and repost.
 — Brandxxx