poetry critical

online poetry workshop



it's SPF 50 or i'm hitting the caves
unknown

your skin seems snobby,
 1
almost as if you were elected
 2
sea president
 3
by the council of clams
 4
 
 
no wonder the beach always hurts
 5
when you take me there
 6
the sand knows my feet aren't on the list
 7
seagulls speak in tongues
 8
when they see me in a hat
 9
 
 
you eat awful, frightful things–
 10
 
 
if i had pockets in these leggings
 11
they would contain pine cones
 12
and cashews and various protein products,
 13
but i'd take a bite of fish
 14
because it's fried, like you
 15
 
 
and your love for salt water taffy
 16
reminds me we're a sticky mess
 17
until you drop me
 18
in the ocean
 19
and say "stay"
 20

8 Feb 14

Rated 8.5 (9.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7, 10, 10
Inactive (6): 8, 9, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(4 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

no more caves i mean it!

anybody wanna peanut?
 — unknown

Odd but enjoyable
 — unknown

reminds me of some west coast poet I dig.  maybe opt for 'stay' in 20?  agree with unknown above.  "odd but enjoyable"
 — JKWeb

you are SO right about L20 web. thanks!
 — unknown

This tickles me just right. THIS is what I like to see at a poetry site
 — looniverse

looniverse- every poem i have posted under unknown, you have enjoyed and said nothing negative about. i reckon because they are loony poems.
i love silly and off the wall as well. i guess it depends on the persons taste eh?
thanks for commenting.

i'm still trying to figure out who you are.
 — mandolyn

it's not the content/silliness as much as the expression and imagery.

i adore leaping poetry and can't stand narratives. the more the images leap around, and are representative, the more i appreciate the piece
 — looniverse

i notice when i'm in the mood to just sit down and write, i often come up with this kind of poetry. it's when i'm struggling to make something sound a certain way that becomes a piece of crap.
forced writing is a jerk.
 — mandolyn

I feel like an ice cream cone that just bit the sand and I like it!!
 — whyandnot

^whoever was holding you didn't. ;)
 — mandolyn

This HAS 2b Mandee!  How do I know?...Cuz your poetic voice is getting stronger every day and I'm recognizing it more easily with each write.  

Cautionary note tho:  As much fun as it is to create poetry that bounces to and fro with crisp, vivid imagery, remember to balance said imagery against what's real so that you're not losing your readers inside a hot mess of unimportant language.  

In particular, I'm referencing L's 1, 11, 12 and 13.  As much as u want 2 engage the reader, u also don't want to leave him/her scratching his/her head for too long either.  Make sense?  :-)
 — starr

Sartre averred: "follow the pen without looking for words." - homo-luminous turn'd an innuendo-invertendo into a whirl'd rolling ʞɔɐq-words for some more, where deep calls to deep, where it'd risk absurdity in an u n f e t t e r e d language, where the end of you is the beginning of me ... nicely done, this is imagism and romanticism with a sense of absurdist humour.
 — AlchemiA

This made my night. =)
 — yield

I can spot undercover mandee poems anywhere
 — yield

^yeah yeah, i don't really care. :P

hm, starr.. i'm not sure i do know what you mean but it is a hot mess, yes.
thanks for your whimsical words alch!
 — mandolyn

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