poetry critical

online poetry workshop



[wife] husband
looniverse

Hello sir and madam
 1
I am a visitor in your
 2
country and a hard sell
 3
when it comes to moves
 4
we have and had to go
 5
through waters unfixed
 6
in our depths until we step
 7
where no comrade had ahead
 8
 
 
Nothing in the news and yet
 9
here we resume our story here
 10
beyond chapter and furthermore
 11
pagination at-tempted we can
 12
count without hands how our
 13
hands form union with moon
 14
too visible in early light my
 15
love and I b(l)ind by sunrise
 16
 
 
Pity the paltry gull but not
 17
for want when the ocean
 18
cedes its virtue ever
 19
ready to feed one so hungry
 20
as our planet's near infinite
 21
storms of appetite despite
 22
reversals we are worldly
 23
full of visions and venture
 24
 
 
(green seas deeper quencher)
 25

14 Feb 14

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Comments:

i have read your pieces and i'm commenting here for both of them.

i appreciate the cadence save for their enjambents which are really off and wasted as you fractured the continuity of thoughts/images in the wrong places, though they may have served 'pant' for obvious reasons while delivered like rap.

if you're going for an offbeat musicality -- even poetry and math are standalone music, by the way, and i'd like to think you've baited us with your first two installment posts for critique more than anything -- then you know what to do and you have yet to show us in your next posts, 'cause i personally can't be tricked into thinking you don't, having read your crit on my latest piece.

:)
 — fractalcore

i'm glad to read that someone else agrees with me on this poetry. :)
 — jenakajoffer

hi, jen.

although, on second reading, i can get into this guy's the groove.

i like it.
;)
 — fractalcore

he's very musical. i was struggling with my fone's net connection awhile back, hence misreading this great piece.

;)
 — fractalcore

i think i know who looni is
and he is doing a good job at being just that

there are lines in this that tugged me- that felt personal, that's why
you green sea lovin' bastard you

(gosh, if i'm totally wrong and you're a girl i'm going to feel really bad)
 — mandolyn

...this guy's groove, i should say.

rubber mandee, who is looni?
:)
 — fractalcore

welp, i think it's yield but i could be wrong. i'm having second thoughts now.
the style throws me off but the words throw me in.
make sense?
 — mandolyn

^I see what you mean. But no/^
Pretty damn frazzled tho whoever it is
Im digging the green sea and 22
 — unknown

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