poetry critical

online poetry workshop

[wife] husband

Hello sir and madam
I am a visitor in your
country and a hard sell
when it comes to moves
we have and had to go
through waters unfixed
in our depths until we step
where no comrade had ahead
Nothing in the news and yet
here we resume our story here
beyond chapter and furthermore
pagination at-tempted we can
count without hands how our
hands form union with moon
too visible in early light my
love and I b(l)ind by sunrise
Pity the paltry gull but not
for want when the ocean
cedes its virtue ever
ready to feed one so hungry
as our planet's near infinite
storms of appetite despite
reversals we are worldly
full of visions and venture
(green seas deeper quencher)

14 Feb 14

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i have read your pieces and i'm commenting here for both of them.

i appreciate the cadence save for their enjambents which are really off and wasted as you fractured the continuity of thoughts/images in the wrong places, though they may have served 'pant' for obvious reasons while delivered like rap.

if you're going for an offbeat musicality -- even poetry and math are standalone music, by the way, and i'd like to think you've baited us with your first two installment posts for critique more than anything -- then you know what to do and you have yet to show us in your next posts, 'cause i personally can't be tricked into thinking you don't, having read your crit on my latest piece.

 — fractalcore

i'm glad to read that someone else agrees with me on this poetry. :)
 — jenakajoffer

hi, jen.

although, on second reading, i can get into this guy's the groove.

i like it.
 — fractalcore

he's very musical. i was struggling with my fone's net connection awhile back, hence misreading this great piece.

 — fractalcore

i think i know who looni is
and he is doing a good job at being just that

there are lines in this that tugged me- that felt personal, that's why
you green sea lovin' bastard you

(gosh, if i'm totally wrong and you're a girl i'm going to feel really bad)
 — mandolyn

...this guy's groove, i should say.

rubber mandee, who is looni?
 — fractalcore

welp, i think it's yield but i could be wrong. i'm having second thoughts now.
the style throws me off but the words throw me in.
make sense?
 — mandolyn

^I see what you mean. But no/^
Pretty damn frazzled tho whoever it is
Im digging the green sea and 22
 — unknown