poetry critical

online poetry workshop

TVLAND (Brought to You in Living Color)

LIFE is like a monochrome TV set
where everyone’s forgiving
always carving
           forging fabricated smiles of make-believe.
watching sing-song reruns
   repeat threadbare repartee,
plodding through prosaic photoplay
   of grey smiles and MUTEd apathy,
she is (like my color set)
always casting
           simulating sensations of red&green&blue.
our signals grow stronger--
a satellite
its cord----
               ----ial aerial,
of tender conductors
who has never regretted
getting cable.

28 May 04

Rated 8 (7.5) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (1): 7, 8

(define the words in this poem)
(21 more poems by this author)

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It's fairly good, don't get me wrong, but the point seems a little hard to figure. Yet, I like the relation between mercy and the black & white television. Just try to clarify your basic idea a bit more.
 — FangzOfFire

you're right fangz. i rushed this poem, i should have invested more feelings into it. revised for your reading pleasure.
 — mrkhoo

Lines 1-6 are great, they really wrapped the reader in. However, somewhere in the middle of lines 7-10 I feel you lose focus and that carries out until the poem's rather tepid end.
 — Rixes

 — Rixes

thank you Rixes for all your advice and time.
 — unknown

I like this revision. However, the poem could still use a bit of kick at the end, I would say and also I like the previous title, but this also would work. I will rate your poem now and I think I'll rate it an 8.
 — Rixes

Your lucky to have a TV.I n my shack in the wild outback of Lancashire England i can't even afford the bus fare to the nearest house so i can knock on the the door and ask if i can come in to watch my favourite programme,Poetry Review,where smary assed bastards make totally fatuous comments about verse.
 — larrylark

my previous title was
mercy is like a monochrome TV set

and Rixes, thank you so much!

as for larrylark, that's erm nice of you to share your life with me. interesting really, i never knew there was a programme called Poetry Review.
 — mrkhoo

and this is work in progress, so more comments are deeply appreciated. and favoured.
 — mrkhoo

i seriously like what i wrote here. i hope i can get more critique on this.
 — mrkhoo

You obviously ,like myself ,don;t watch too much TV,sorry for the snippet of my life ,sometimes i just feel compelled to share an exciting snippet with someone ,anyone, presuming of course that you are out there and that this is not all an illusion
 — larrylark

no, personally, i actually liked that. i dunno but there's something bout that little "snippet" which came across to me as an interesting subject.

 — unknown

I like the first verse very much. l9-12 are catchy, and i rather like l13-16. But the rest....well, it fails to garner much attention. On the whole, i like the concept of this poem, its original and your writing is excellent. Just, you know, the bit at the bottom that sort of SLIDES. You did a good job, anyhow. =] I rate this a 7.
 — nickiblitz

small edit.
 — mrkhoo