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Not always the best policy...
Cella

"How are you doing today?"
 1
   His hazel eyes search mine
 2
I blink
 3
   twice
 4
 
 
"All of my worldly possessions
 5
    are on the back seat of my car
 6
    with the exception of the earrings
 7
    that were lost in the grass
 8
    when my parents threw everything
 9
    out (including me) last night
 10
This morning my ex-boyfriend
 11
    (with whom I broke up eight months ago
 12
    - but with whom I am still in love)
 13
    called to tell me that he is moving far away
 14
    I lied and pretended I didn't want to cry
 15
My little brother is graduating from
 16
    highschool tomorrow and I missed his
 17
    party this afternoon because I forgot
 18
    to ask for the day off from work
 19
During dinner the two people
 20
    who know me best informed me
 21
    that I am a disappointment
 22
An hour ago I decided that my calling
 23
    in life is not adolescent psychology
 24
In the lasty twenty mintues I have arrived
 25
    at the conclusion that I hate who I've become
 26
But at this precise moment it is
 27
    raining outside and for that I am
 28
    greatful and quite delighted"
 29
 
 
His hazel eyes
 30
    blink
 31
       twice
 32
"Would you like the receipt with you or in the bag?"
 33
 
 
Perhaps I misinterpreted the first question.
 34
I blink
 35
   once
 36
"I'm fine, thanks. In the bag."
 37

29 May 04

Rated 7 (7.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9
Inactive (30): 1, 1, 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

I know it's "to" or "for" whom. I can't recall what it is when you have "with." it may be whom, I'm not sure.
 — Rixes

Okay, thanks. Any critique of the poem? I debated the title for an hour, and I'm still not happy with it.
 — Cella

Very narrative, and poetic only in the linebreakings and lack of punctuation. As to who or whom, it's pretty much the same as french with their formal and informal (such as tu and vous); it's basically personal preference here.
 — SimpleMind

Oh, oh, oh, this is so damned good because you write so well. And also I can completely identify, and you really got to the heart of the poem. Nice job. This baby just flows, no tripping up or down. You should be proud.
-zep
 — zepplin42

Comes to a slightly lazy conclusion - 'in the bag' and the rest I find a bit too prosy - tells too much, but  a good poem with some excellent ideas at its heart.
 — opal

ahaha! this is great...
 — sandwiches

i like it in that i can relate, typo l25. um, i like the idea. im just kinda stuck in whether i like this as a poem or not..but then again, i like this kinda stuff. um..dont mind me. long night last. l27 is v nice. maqkes it less thought and more poetry. title is nowhere near as good as poem itself. how about a totally non sequitar title? like 'An English Answer-sort of'? the english bit refers to how some english people will actually tell you how their day was, if they are asked. i think it was the english, but dont quote me.
 — wendz

I hate to disappoint, but this poem does not belong on this list.
 — Cella

It would be the object of a preposition so it should be 'whom'... I really like this poem... I feel like telling my personal life to anyone who walks by just so that someone will hear it.... But I don't really like the title. It's very weak compared to the poem.
 — omega

Good poem from a developing talent. Like its prosey style and its authentic capturing of a day when it all goes wrong.Its what you would think about in a queque and lost in thought you don't quite catch what someone said to you the first time
 — unknown

I think I agree with you, Cella.

However, it is interesting.

You should write books or short stories.  I have a feeling you'd be better at it than poetry, because although I enjoy reading your stuff, I always have a lot of organizational and structural qualms with it.
 — collyrium

Whom is correct. However, I believe that in line 29 "greatful" should be "grateful." Line 25 "Lasty" should be "Last." You added a Y on accident probably.  
 — unknown

i like this poem. kind of rambling at points but maybe you were going for the train of thought thing. very nice.
 — Charlie

i like it. a lot...

i like the breaks, especially in the beginning, on the 'twice'.

for some reason that caught me off guard.
 — shakeit

The circularity of the poem seems to help with, what could be reasoned as an anti-climax to the poem. I like the idea of using a similar style to debasement, making the increments smaller as the poem continues. It is rather prose like, however, I find lots of poetry is like that anyway.
 — spineless

i can soo relate! gosh i love ur stuff!
 — meghanmidget

I don't like the title. It's really irrelevant to the poem, because it isn't about the 'honesty as best policy' concept. I don't have a better suggestion at the moment, though.

I don't have much by way of critique. Clean up the few spelling mistakes that others have noted. I'd say put a period at the end of l29. I don't feel like l34 works; I think it's because it starts with 'perhaps' and is a statement unto its own.

I think by and large my assessment is pretty similar to Collyrium's. It's interesting, but something about it structurally puts me off, though I really have no suggestions beyond my minor things.
 — semaj

awesome work, i think i envy this. I can completely relate so that makes it even better. However, the title doesnt even do this poem justice. It kinda seems like a relapse someone had in a check-out line, you need something to grab attention. To be honest, I'd of never read this had it not been on the "Top Rated" list.  Also, the last line is way too simple for the rest of this poem, you need a bigger kick, something clutch to just finish off the reader. But nonetheless, I love this piece, keep up the good work.
 — dmartin

I can't help but feel like it's really tired and done.

I can't offer much in the way of specific critique (though I hate the linebreaks around blink (why not just, "I blink twice." as one line?) -- but the poem as a whole is really like overwhelmed with a cheesiness factor and I can't take it seriously. The laundry list of bad things seem trite and far-fetched, especially the 'twist' in 27-29. While obviously a lot of people here have found a lot to love in this poem, the only revision I would suggest is to rewrite the entire thing from scratch and work hard on making it a heckuvalot more subtle.
 — unknown

This wold be very good if written for a "zine" aimed at twwnage girld in the 1980's. Purile.
 — unknown

a teenage girl from the 1980's would not relate to this.

'zines are kind of 90's, also.

i know, i'm a smartass.

- sandwiches
 — unknown

dig it
 — Brandxxx

#1) Perhaps the list of misfortune seems far fetched. Too bad it was all true the day I initially wrote this, eh?
#2) Yes, I still hate the title too. Just can't think of anything better yet. I don't want the title to give away the fact that this is an encounter with strangers.
#3) Line breaks because I visual stuff so I don't get bored. (I have ADD)
#4) Sorry about those typo's...I'll fix them soon...just kinda busy at the moment
#5) And I do agree that this is more like prose. Sorry...I tend to cross that line frequently, without even thinking about it.
 — Cella

i think it's whom.... but then again, grammar and such has never been my strong point. anyways, i love your poem, it's awesome. i love the blinking bits, i'm not sure why.
 — scribeastray

typo l29, 'grateful'.
 — wendz

Ugh. Sorry, Cella, I didn't see your last comment.
 — wendz

It baffles me how these get on the "best" lists.
 — Cella

I like this. It made me laugh, but at the same time, it was so full of emotion and quite sad. Also, it flows perfectly and it deals with something I'm sure many of us think about, but don't really talk about much. =)
 — FataMorgana

i really like it. it's going under my favorites...honestly, this is the best one i have seen all day. it mislead me a bit too, which i liked :) it's getting a 9.5 from me. :)
 — stainedsteal

|25 has about a billion typos in it! :)
 — OKcomputer

awesome
 — Romanspring

I completely relate to this, even though not all the situations are true for me, I'm sure I could fill it in with my own details.  It mirrors this stage of life where you can bearly afford to breathe.
Like most people, I don't like the title.  At least take the ... off.  At least.
Lines 12 and 13 are confusing.  How about "I broke up with him two months ago, but I'm still in love with him".  It makes it sound more personal, less term-paper.
I like the line breaks in lines 31, 32 and 36 in particular.  The rest of them don't bug me at all.
 — abby

YES!!! i loved this. i laughed out loud with the last few lines. and it flows somehow.
 — unknown

It is funny.
 — SeraphSoul

Hah!
 — noodleman

Hilarious!  A time to vent and a time to smile and be quiet!  This is very good and I know the feeling of release to the wrong person.  Good job.
 — Isabelle5

great poem
 — JIV3

still a few typos here and there that ought to be corrected ... that's my only critique
i love the progression ... i was drawn in, interested in her life, felt the rhythm ... then got to the punch line
quite lovely ...
 — Bloodfetish

wow!
 — unknown

Oh cella what a discovery I've made with your poems.
 — thechosenone

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