poetry critical

online poetry workshop



i pretty much basically totally love you
mandolyn

remember
 1
when you wrote my initials
 2
on a telephone pole?
 3
and i danced for you
 4
five miles down the road ...
 5
 
 
the sky was barely breathing,
 6
like a war was going on up there
 7
and i was blushing at your sweaty face
 8
because it reminded me of dirty language
 9
 
 
you almost threw my field away, but instead
 10
you said Montana was a gold coin
 11
as long as i was there;
 12
and the copper lung of Autumn
 13
would soon spit out this unusual hell ...
 14
 
 
well,
 15
i'm sitting here tonight
 16
watching the hills rotate around the river
 17
and the heart shaped cloud from this morning
 18
has turned into a game of checkers
 19
 
 
funny thing is,
 20
i can't remember what color you said
 21
would show up in my eyes tomorrow,
 22
or if i flossed my teeth last night
 23
 
 
i like when we're too happy to notice things
 24
was i behind a Ford today, going 80mph?
 25
it's like
 26
i'm almost exactly in love
 27

14 Aug 14

Rated 10 (9.2) by 6 users.
Active (6): 10, 10, 10
Inactive (33): 1, 3, 3, 7, 7, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(219 more poems by this author)

(12 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

yeah I pretty much basically totally love you too...
 — brother_sun

nice poem.   and line 11 is a hi-lite among hi-lites.  basically, totally groovy.
 — JKWeb

I pretty much. Ummmm Yeh. !!
 — unknown

not good.
 — unknown

^ yeah, it's an isolated thunder-less storm

thanks, brother sun, i love you and your woodsy, nature writes....
thanks, web! i'm so glad you dig it much.
 — mandolyn

Yeah well I pretty much basically adore the poem, and the poet is a mighty fine woman. I hope your man is good to you, Mandee.
 — PatriciaSan

Ask her if she wrote this about her "man" ^
 — unknown

Dear unknown,
I don't really care if she wrote it about a man or a woman; that's M's business. It's a great poem.
 — PatriciaSan

Love 4 to 7 very much... especially 6 and 7.

I do like the rest but I find myself being led into the poetry through the contrasts you set up rather than being being driven by the language into the possible alternating meanings they strive to create.

It's still good to read .. and it feels natural, unhurried, formed out of direct thought rather than being manipulated into form.

A good read.
 — jenn

thanks, Patricia :)
(he treats me very well, but .... )

thanks, jenn
i like how you described this- that is exactly what it was when i wrote it.
natural and unhurried- my fingers were bouncing along the keys.
i never know what comes out at the end, but that i crave to write it.
 — mandolyn

Hi Mandee.
 — unknown

"and the copper lung of Autumn
would soon spit out (an/her) (un/usual) hell"

I don't understand why a "gold coin" is "this unusual hell"

nice poem.
 — unknown

^^ hi

^montana is the gold coin and the weather is the unusual hell
because it's normally cool and breezy that time of year.
i probably should have clarified that more- i was writing from memory.

thanks!
 — mandolyn

thanks for the explanation. it *was* necessary because it's not implicit in the writing.

"poetically" it works better with either of the options I gave you.

but if your happy with it the way it is, cool.  :-)

you could also lose L8

read it with and then read it without. see what you think.
 — unknown

L8 is important, especially the word "field"
this poem has conversation in it, between me and the person i wrote it for.
so i'm sure some things come across delete-able.
i would agree! :)
i'm going to leave it though.

thanks again, unk (i think i know who are you) :)
 — mandolyn

Mandee, be well.

Please Forgive Me by William Fitzsimmons
 — unknown

Ahhh, my grandpa was right! Sucker born every minute!
 — dannyprice

well,
well,
well,

I can't decide if I should give L13 athumbs up.
 — unknown

18-21, beautiful!
 — fleetstreet7

I"m thinking the Title and lines 1-25 are perfect.
Therefore you must be, Cool!  So am I!  got a phone number?
I want to whisper my good poetry into your right ear,
with A Cup in my other hands, toasting to toast!!!
Coolest poem ever, you lovergirl you! GO!!!
 — unknown

^ IFLY!
 — unknown

thanks, fleetstreet
i like your name- it's neat
n stuff.

^^ unknown, you can look in the back of my wallet. :))
 — mandolyn

Mandee! I thought you were sold off to slavery!
Nice to see you back, chick-fil-A
This poem is a 9 piece nugget!!
 — unknown

This writing works because it is entirely relatable.  Some of your lines are vivid and beautiful while others are modest, spare and simple.  Personally, I like the contrast, it provides balance and an even flow.  For me, line 22 is the center of your poem.  Every poem has a center (not a middle) and for me, from that line all of the others revolve.  Everyone has a different way to describe their feeling of being love.  Liking the times when "we're too happy to notice things" has got to make it on the list of most people's description.  
 — Mmarcus

thanks, marcus
i appreciate that lengthy feedback :)
 — mandolyn

Sniff sniff...who wrote this...sniff sniff sniff...hmmmm... by the title alone, I think I know who diss BE.  Sniff...sniff...

Okay...here we go:  v

L16 - Hyphenate "heart-shaped."
L21 - "flossed last night."  Flossing is indicative of oral care so we know it involves your teeth.  

Otherwise, I love you for this because it's everything I've ever wanted 2 write myself and probably already have, but with diff'rent wordz.  This deserves so much more than a mere 10.  It's a 26.  Hugz!!!!  :-)
 — starr

I KNEW it!!!  DAMN, girl...your writing is getting better and better every year!  I'm SO PROUD of u!  :-)
 — starr

i didn't think those words needed hyphenating, but sure... i'll give it a go.
thanks for the suggestions and hugs on this poem! :)
 — mandolyn

Y'know what, Mandee?  I think you're right.  There isn't a hypen in L16.  Ma BAD!  Love your poem!!!  :-)
 — starr

nice piece. but slightly lazy writing. seems like there are many things here you haven't really thought through. permit a few edits -

remember when you wrote my initials
on a telephone pole?
i danced for you
five miles down the road.

the sky was barely breathing,
like a war was unfurling
i, blushing into your sweaty mouth
full of dirty language-

you almost threw my field away,
said montana was a gold coin
as long as i was there;
the copper lung of autumn
soon to spit that unusual hell.

i'm sitting here tonight.
the hills rotate around the river
and the heart-shaped cloud from morning
dissipates in a game of checkers-

funny that i can't remember the colour
you said my eyes would be tomorrow,
or if i flossed last night-

i like when we are too happy
to notice things.

was i behind an 80 mph ford
this morning
it was like
i was almost exactly in love-


there. all the fluff gone. little cut and dry. which lends a little sharpness to the softness.

hope that's of some help.

thanks.
 — unknown

ha! starr....
 — mandolyn

^^ i get what you are saying and thanks for the suggestions!
when i read that version though it is not me. i like my ands, because' ors and buts in this one
butt,
i also like what you did with it.

thanks.
:)
 — mandolyn

I think I want whoever wrote this
Poetess extraordinaire!
 — unknown

Shit!
Is this for real?
Do people really fall in love
and lose their senses?
Where do I buy me some
love pills?
 — unknown

i pretty much basically totally fell off my rocker
and into the lap of love

no pills required. just patience.
 — mandolyn

the title is astute but it doesn't fit in the text of your poeme at all... - nice reading though.
 — greenmantle

The title wraps up the last half of the poem.It reads as a continual day dream...
Great feel overall. I picture a girl sitting in class, chewing on her pencil, scribbling memories
in a spiral notebook, laughing to herself, while everyone else is following directions.
 — unknown

love this
 — SkaaDee

Check out song "Almost Like Being In Love" by Natalie Cole.  It's on her "Unforgettable" CD and this poem reminds me of that song!  It's cute!  :-)
 — starr

^ starr, i totally pretty much basically know that song. and yeah, it's a goody.

thanks, greenmantle and skaadee

skaadee...  i just said that three times out loud and smiled.
 — mandolyn

This is nice to read.
Your inventiveness with words knows no ends does it?
Entertaining to be sure mandolyn.
 — 9

thank you so much, 9
sometimes i wonder if i'm just insane.
do insane people know they're insane?
 — mandolyn

ManDee, your many metaphor juxtapositions jerk the mind into mesmerizing fugues ... well writ with a winsomely wry wit in it ...
 — AlchemiA

thanks, Alliterative alch! :)
 — mandolyn

Great piece. I especially loved line 6-7. This is one of the best love poems I can remember reading. Heartfelt and honest, but not cliche.
 — dannyprice

thanks, danny.
seems like the word cliche is becoming cliche around here.
:)

what even is cliche anymore?
 — mandolyn

Copper lung of Autumn.  That is a poem in itself.  
 — Isabelle5

<3 this poem very much.
 — ARedLetter

thanks, isabelle and red ♥
 — mandolyn

this poem rockss. and so do u writer-who-wrote-it
 — floira

nice
 — chrisgv

nice poem.
 — hank

good poem...why are you writing like me?
 — hank

Hank,she writes like her.
 — unknown

I usually despise love poems for some reason. Maybe it's because there's just way too many of them and most recycle the same cliches and come off sophomoric, but this is an exception. The poem has tons of depth and layers to it. I really like the second stanza and line 11. Top notch!!!
 — Autopilot

This is a little too death cab or my tastes. The imagery is coherent but jumpy as well. Still, if I were your girl...
 — technomancer

i think stanza 3 is your best. Line 15 doesn't seem particularly brilliantly metaphoric, it's just my reception of it...
 — greenmantle

The poem is as sophomoric as the title.
 — unknown

Great poem...this could be fun: l19

has turned into a game of checkers

funny thing is,
I almost never move the back row,
and I can't remember what color you said...
 — sixtywatt

I enjoyed the braiding of nature where our narrator sees the world. Words and phrases like lines 13 & 14, "and the copper lung of Autumn would soon spit out this unusual hell...
   We move from a dream like world where love is standing among fields to a powerful "normal" world where out narrator is just plain sitting. The tension in the last four lines bring reality to the love that is spoken of...lines 24-27 give the reader a down to earth taste of the forgetfulness our narrator (and therefore ourselves) encounter when wound together with another. "Too happy to notice things" reverberates for this reader-- days past when the feeling of "exactly in love" was, indeed, exactly what one feels.
 — slthomwriter

Great piece.
 — listen

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 — Abedo

Lines 6-17 were by far your strongest lines. Great imagery though I thought it started to fall apart a bit at the end. It's still good but it lost something for me and the end should in my opinion be the strongest because its the most powerful. Everything that you have written has led up to this and not to give it that extra "Bam" is short changing the reader. Hope that is helpful.
 — hmarieh84

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 — unknown

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