poetry critical

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Eclipse
fleetstreet7

Pictures from those times, that time.
 1
 
 
I have new scars now.
 2
 
 
One on my right thumb shaped like a crescent moon.
 3
 
 
 
 
I watch it as I write.
 4
 
 
 
 
My hands have changed since you last saw them.
 5
 
 
They are bigger and harder, more eager.
 6
 
 
Searching in bed for the cold side of the pillow,
 7
 
 
 
 
a kiss,
 8
 
 
a comfort.
 9

26 Aug 14

Rated 9 (9.8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 9, 10
Inactive (6): 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

I like this its really fine and sparse like a thin spider web my favorite part is "searching in bed for the cold side of the pillow,."  really nice.
 — brother_sun

Thank you brother_sun!
 — fleetstreet7

A melancholy reflective piece that, in all honesty, could work so much better without those two questions .. lines 3 and 7.

Placing such direct to person questions in poetry often leaves the reader very much outside the writing .. and part of the point of poetry is to offer a combination of words that strike chords of familiarity with your readers, so they become the subject/object and then have a far deeper emotional connection.

I like the reflective qualities of this, otherwise :)
 — jenn

I'm in complete agreement with Jenn, asking the questions is a disruption, for me, of an otherwise perfectly fine poem.
 — PatriciaSan

Not enough zaz for my taste.

Hey, is it a good thing to lose a bad relationship? Maybe not in a person's feelings.
 — Cerulise

Thanks for your suggestions Jenn and PatriciaSan!

Cerulise, it's actually about rekindling an old relationship, well that's where the thought process began.
 — fleetstreet7

Beautifully tragic, nicely rendered.  My only suggestion would be to UNcapitalize the first letter in each new line.  That's Old School.  Otherwise, I can only say that I, too, have been there (a FEW times) and DONE that.  Also, I like how the title bounces off the scar on your right thumb.  Brilliant!  Look 4ward to reading more!  :-)
 — starr

Beautiful!!
 — unknown

this is incredible
 — mandolyn

Thanks Starr, I don't have much idea of new/old school round here. I like the capitals and punctuation because the inspiration came from lovers reuniting after war, focusing on women's roles and how they changed in the first and second world war. Obviously the written word was so much more valuable then.

It became more personal as I wrote but for me it still holds true to its foundations. L4 has more value in this interpretation I guess.

And thank you Mandolyn :)
 — fleetstreet7

omit 'a' from 9?

nice poem.
 — JKWeb

:-), fleetstreet!  No worries.  Do what u feel and love what u write!  
 — starr

I get what it's about, silly buns, but the desire of rekindling begins with the absence of what you desire. So if it was bad love, what would you be thinkin'?
 — Cerulise

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