poetry critical

online poetry workshop

don't talk ill of me

you've dissected my dignity
lost everything
left of my restrained space
in our small privacy
just to say i love you
never to have complained
the lack of reciprocity
i've wanted to belong
to your complexity
hear music and poetry
you throw at seas
before gone stale
i've kissed them goodbye
like you would grant me
but i never really left
the mysteries behind
you and its pages
simply struck
caught in between
i'm well and welling
some days pleading
any knee-jerk reaction

15 Sep 14

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (2): 10, 10, 10

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This had good flow and form right up to line 17 where it completely stumbled and cut both knees in the fall.

You use words well ... so line 17 needs to be worked on .. the rest is pretty good for it's message and style.
 — jenn

thanks, jenn. i didn't think of style when i wrote this. i't s just awful on some days.
thanks for the nudge. will do.
 — unknown

Anytime ;)

I think, perhaps, you could modify that 'silence' in line 17 ... you use the words 'reciprocity' and 'complexity' well .. and perhaps an echoing word to those two others could make that silence into something substantial, whilst also adding a notation in the poetry.

Good read.
 — jenn

again, thank you, jenn. i'm not done. i feel down to really think.
 — unknown

I know what you mean.

When ever you're ready will be good enough ;)
 — jenn

there. hope it's not overdone.
 — unknown

i think i'll fave
 — mandolyn

i'm not so fond of rhyme -- s1-2 came out spontaneous for that rhythm; fixed s3 to do away with it.
thank you. & mandolyn, too.
 — unknown

made edits?
 — unknown