poetry critical

online poetry workshop



don't talk ill of me
unknown

you've dissected my dignity
 1
lost everything
 2
left of my restrained space
 3
in our small privacy
 4
just to say i love you
 5
never to have complained
 6
the lack of reciprocity
 7
 
 
i've wanted to belong
 8
to your complexity
 9
hear music and poetry
 10
you throw at seas
 11
before gone stale
 12
 
 
i've kissed them goodbye
 13
like you would grant me
 14
but i never really left
 15
the mysteries behind
 16
you and its pages
 17
 
 
simply struck
 18
caught in between
 19
i'm well and welling
 20
some days pleading
 21
any knee-jerk reaction
 22

15 Sep 14

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (2): 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

This had good flow and form right up to line 17 where it completely stumbled and cut both knees in the fall.

You use words well ... so line 17 needs to be worked on .. the rest is pretty good for it's message and style.
 — jenn

thanks, jenn. i didn't think of style when i wrote this. i't s just awful on some days.
thanks for the nudge. will do.
 — unknown

Anytime ;)

I think, perhaps, you could modify that 'silence' in line 17 ... you use the words 'reciprocity' and 'complexity' well .. and perhaps an echoing word to those two others could make that silence into something substantial, whilst also adding a notation in the poetry.

Good read.
 — jenn

again, thank you, jenn. i'm not done. i feel down to really think.
 — unknown

I know what you mean.

When ever you're ready will be good enough ;)
 — jenn

@jenn:
there. hope it's not overdone.
 — unknown

wow!
i think i'll fave
 — mandolyn

i'm not so fond of rhyme -- s1-2 came out spontaneous for that rhythm; fixed s3 to do away with it.
thank you. & mandolyn, too.
 — unknown

made edits?
 — unknown

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