poetry critical

online poetry workshop

The Cost of Being Me is Losing You.

How far do you fly from me?
There's a picture in my hands I can't put down.
Your eyes are happy birds following a new sky
and I'm still balancing on a song I wrote you
when you were barely old enough to date.
Further away is all I feel now. I think of you
dancing like a disco ball under the stairs where
I took a picture of your virginity and filed it under
"Do not Touch"
Holding you was hard. You loved to feel
the wind on your face and fix yourself to kites in March.
Your drum beat rapidly
while mine thumped behind you, afraid to touch your
hand, grab your finger and tell you to slow down.
Now you steer your wings towards higher ground
and I am left making a movie of our sadness;
I've got Jack Daniels in a headlock
and the scent of your hair all over my guitar.

17 Sep 14

Rated 9.5 (9.1) by 10 users.
Active (10): 6, 9
Inactive (9): 5, 5, 7, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(7 users consider this poem a favorite)

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L17 is jacked up. ;-) very good piece.
 — unknown

Great poem. Love the imagery. last stanza especially rocks.
 — HisPoem

i read this yesterday, but didn't comment.
it's very ... yeah.
 — mandolyn

 — unknown

Is this yield?
 — unknown

sounds like the vagabond yield...
 — mandolyn

Love, Sheila
 — unknown

This is so sad and beautiful at the same time.  It's stunning, actually.  Nice job.  :-)
 — starr

That title is money.
Beautiful poem. Thnx!
 — unknown

This author is a dick.
 — yield

Your heart appears heavy in your writing. Nice to see you back yield.
 — unknown

Am I back?
 — yield

Hell yeah
 — 4st7lb

Fantastic work.
 — unknown

punk rock sadness. i like it. this whole thing hits hard for me, but the final group really throws that last nail in. nice work,
 — mould_jesus

Very nice write
 — chrisgv

The cost of being a dick is writing this.
Thanks, 4st- mould -chris
 — unknown

 — unknown

 — lucion

Dont make me delete this shit
 — unknown

"Cum on my tits!  Hurry!"

Sorry, I just wanted to wrap things up.
 — OldShoe

don't listen too much to compliments without much argument. you / we need technical comments... is it not a workshop here ?
it sounds like a teenage club here sometimes...

your best stanza is probably number three starting from fix yourself to kites in March... down to line 14, where there's good rhythm...
i don't know if if can steer your wings - it metaphorically sounds odd... maritime mixed with aerial... it sounds awkward...

but that was interesting reading for me though... !
 — greenmantle