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seventeen teardrops
zepplin42

Spin me tattered melodies
 1
and well-rhymed prophecies
 2
from rusting, rotting pages—
 3
 
 
Under starlight, Chronos curses seawoven songs
 4
donning his now-wooden thundersmite lyre
 5
all unbearably beaten with drop-smashing tears—
 6
A whiff of Maria
 7
against the bonesteel rainclouds
 8
chants up yearning
 9
between my silent wings—
 10
 
 
smitten mother,
 11
lips pressed
 12
to granite statues,
 13
dying in the wave-swept ruins—
 14
two lonely eyes
 15
stolen by sunlight,
 16
buried in amber waves of grain—
 17

12.5.4

After the form to "Vestige" by Elysium. You can currently find it here: http://poetry.tetto.org/read/1367/.

9 Jun 04

Rated 2 (7.1) by 1 users.
Active (1): 2
Inactive (22): 1, 1, 1, 5, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

To me the word 'beaten' seems more appropriate in l6.  The reason I think it would work better is that you are talking about something that happened in the past to something that you are talking about in the present.  Otherwise, you may argue that there is a disagreement in tense.

I think that ll11-17 could be a stand alone piece.  The rest is great, but this is definitely the most affective use of words here.  The second stanza seems a little out of place...maybe because I don't know who 'Chronos' is refering to and couldn't find reference to it anywhere.  This just seems a little 'mythological' while the rest is more modern day.  I actually got a sense of Icarus w/l10.

I can't leave without saying how perfect I think the first three lines in this are.  What a visual and moving way to state something so simple.

You are an excellent writer and I often read your work but don't comment because I see how much more advanced you are.  I really appreciate it when you comment on something of mine so I will attempt to return the favor...whether I have something profound to say or not!
 — amy

Amy, that's absolutely brilliant! Thanks so much for the help.

Chronos is the personification of Time in Greek mythology, which is to say "Father Time". He was the principle deity of all creation until he was castrated by his son Zeus, his testicles hurled into the Agean Sea, from which came Aphrodite, or Love personified. Maria becomes the personification of the Mother-god in Christian mythology. "Sense of Icarus" is interesting. I pictured the speaker as an angel of God. Finally, all the credit for this really goes to Elysium. She wrote the form. I just colored it in.
-z
 — zepplin42

This is verbiose rubbish and you know you havn't really tried.You might as well have chucked a load of words in the air and then stuck them down.Your not really serious with this one ,are you?
 — larrylark

Larrylark...I've just read three comments by you on three different submissions...do you need a hug honey?  
 — amy

I am. If you want me to tell you all about it so that I could prove just how serious I am, I'd be more than willing. Just because you don't get something doesn't mean it's a joke.
-zep
 — zepplin42

Everyone hates Larry, and Larry knows that (now).

I didn't think this was as bad to say that zep didn't try. Who the hell are YOU to say they didn't try, larry? Sounds retarded to me, yeah, RETARDED!

I am so through.
 — pennylane

Come on,you can't be serious,rotting pages,Chronos curses,drop smashing tears,bonesteel rainclouds, buried in amber waves of grain;and i'm supposed to take this piece, manufactured in the "where is my next cliche coming from factory" seriously.Not only is it riddled with ill considered imagery that any half decent poet would reject as soon as it entered his /her head but it clanks along like a rusty old car.If you're hearing this inside your head then you need to go re-process your thoughts. It just reads contrived and phoney from start to finish and if thats not positive enough for you the reason i came on this site was that it was a place were you are able to freely speak your mind (and i think by and large i do unlike sites in England where people soon get offended by the mildest of criticism )but i don't see why someone should get away with writing tripe. Come on,you know you can do better than this.
 — larrylark

"two lonely eyes  
stolen by sunlight,  
buried in amber waves of grain— "

Very nice. I have no nits here. I like the entire thing. Well done.
 — unknown

Larry, you should really be somewhat more specific. So anyhoo, here's my "storyline".

It's a post-apocalyptic wasteland. The personifications exist (Chronos, Maria, and the Angel) not neccessarily as characters who change, but as characters who are powerless. They are getting somewhat human responses as is dictated by their psyches.

The final line alludes to the US (obviously), and shows the impermanancy of empire an humanity. The opening stanza is a visual cue for what is about to happen. Old religious scripture was exclusively sung, which is why I say "melodies" and juxtapose it with "prophecies".

Are you calling me for my use of assonance and consonance? If I didn't already know how talented you are I would dare you to try.

Now, if  you've got any suggestions for real changes (word or line substitutions) I'd really like it if you shared. If not, go muck up someone else's life.
-zep
 — unknown

What do you want here ? A debate about assonance and consonance? Get a life Zep. I've said all i'm going to say and thats the end of it .Guys like you always want to debate specifics because you feel you have to defend the indefensible .This is a poor piece of work and you can structure it or argue for its structure all you like ,and explain about sources mythologies etc. etc. tillyou bore the pants of everyone. It sounds to me like your poem is "mucked up" enough like it is. Its you who need to think about what your going to do about that instead of whinging on all the while.Also,i'll be as specific or general as i want to be.Finally,get a sense of humour and you might find that you then get the same perspective as most other people who post on this board.
 — unknown

Yes thats me my computer momentarily went as wierd as me and logged me off without saying a single word
 — larrylark

Larry, of course I'm gonna defend my choice of words. However, if you've got any real suggestions for changes (which I doubt) how can it hurt you to post them here? I've made changes based on suggestions before. Note that first comment from Amy. I changed l6 on her suggestion. I'm not pigheaded in my opinions, so go ahead and try me.
-zep
 — unknown

The first stanza:

Spin me tattered melodies  
and well-rhymed prophecies  
in rusting, rotting pages

strike me as weak on account of the abundance of adjectives. Also, "tattered melodies" strike me as a bit off as "tattered" means ragged and it doesn't go. I do appreciate the alliteration in "rusting, rotting pages"; but it must be probable. Pages don't rust, so it doesn't quite make sense.

In the second stanza:

Under starlight, Chronos curses seawoven songs
donning his now-wooden thundersmite lyre  
all unbearably beaten with drop-smashing tears

lyre, I think, needs a comma after it for it to make sense with "all unbearably..." Again, with the adjectives. Rilke said it in his Ars Poetica, that the words in the poem should make the scene alive to the reader, that, as he was using a flamenco dancer as an example, it should dance, move, etc. Make your words come alive. When we say "beautiful"--what is it? It is vague. But when we say smooth, fair, rosy--then an image comes to mind. Describe the image.

I must commend you for this one, though:
      "A whiff of Maria  
       against the bonesteel rainclouds  
       chants up yearning  
       between my silent wings"

Very nicely done. Not too ornate. And it speaks to the reader.

With a bit of tweaking, this could get better.
 — unknown

Well Zep, here are my suggestions for changes - firstly linguistic, 'Rusting? rotting pages - like the commentator above, I have to say this is unsuccessful because pages don't rot, they decay, fall away, anything, but they don't rust. This is so discordant that it could put off a reader from going any further.  I like decaying or even 'handed down through ages' to develop the Chronos allusion.

Line 5 is a clunking classic - you have the present continuous tense and  then 'thundersmite'? is this supposed to be in the past tense, because if it is, you will find that the past of 'to smite'. is smote - hence 'thundersmote' lyre.  

In line 8, take out the definite article Line 14, the same.

Secondly, imagery and allusion - your poem strikes me as a kind of free verse allegory, yet you seem to be paying scant attention to the effects that your images create. On one or two occasions they are comic and this is out of keeping with the rest - line 5 again. Your picture of Chronos is that of some unfortunate thwarted superhero saying 'my lyre is thundersmote......aaargh its turned to wood', so I would definitely try and do something with that. In line 6, unbearably does not work as a qualifier with 'beaten. In fact I would take out 'unbearably in order to high light 'drop- smashing' which is quite vivid. The final stanza is the best  and I agree with Amy that you could condense the rest and place it atop lines 11-17 and you would have a very good piece of work.

Btw, I have also deliberated about 'bonesteel rainclouds' l8, and ultimately, I don't think this image is successful either - it strives too hard for effect and ultimately hits the floor like a lead weight. I think that in political allegory of this type, you need to develop a much lighter and more ironic touch, Pope perhaps could be the man for you or maybe Dryden.

No hard feelings.
 — larrylark

Yeah, I thought that's what you would say. All I can say is that I'll still take most of it into consideration. If you've read a few other things by me you'd notice how much aphasia is used in it, which is why the images seem out of place for you.

Going one-by-one, "tattered" is entirely appropriate, especially under your argument. You say that the synonym "ragged" would never work to describe music. Perhaps you should look up the etmology of "rag-time". The image that I have is of a really warped and scratched record spinning at such a far distance away that the once-grand music on it comes out in dirty, disgusting blips of sound, kinda like the feet of Ozymandios.

As for "rusting" pages, pages do rust. Here's the American Heritage Dictionary's definition of "rust":
n.
1.Any of various powdery or scaly reddish-brown or reddish-yellow hydrated ferric oxides formed on iron and iron-containing materials by low-temperature oxidation in the presence of water.
2.Any of various metallic coatings, especially oxides, formed by corrosion.
3.A stain or coating resembling iron rust.
4.Deterioration, as of ability, resulting from inactivity or neglect.
5.Botany. Rust fungus. A plant disease caused by a rust fungus, characterized by reddish or brownish spots on leaves, stems, and other parts.
6.A strong brown.

Note case 4. I didn't come across this by looking it up, though. I used it because of the line "fruit is rusting on the vine" from a song by Cracker which was on the radio a lot when I was in high school. The image stuck with me and came up here. But in short, pages can and do rust: it's just a little more complicated than an simple oxidation reaction.

I'll take the l5 comma under consideration. It wouldn't be grammatically appropriate, but it might help some people to "get it".

"Thundersmite" is used as an adjective. That's why it's not in the past tense. It's a contrivance. I could reference enough Robert Frost, Theodore Roetke, and Gertrude Stein to convince you that it's been done before, but I won't. And before you say it's unrealistic, remember that "editor" is also a recent contrivance. If you went back to the turn of the last century and wrote the word "editor", no one would have a clue as to what it meant. Language changes, and I don't mind being responsible for it.

And then there's Chronos, that poor fallen God who is giving some of you so much trouble in ll4-6. As before, I'll think about those suggestions. While you're at it, why don't you suggest that you can't really "don" a lyre since instruments aren't "worn" but "held"? I won't address it fully. Let me say, however, that although that triad might be confusing, it makes perfect sense if you understand the mythology of Time and his Greek characterisations. You've also gotta have sympathy for him.

Just like Atlas was forced to hold the Earth on his shoulders, Chronos was doomed to a singular existence as the gelded Father Time. All he could do was keep time. Man, that sucks. That characterisation is crucial to this poem, which is why I'm describing Chronos like this. Although Chronos has no freedom of action, he has freedom of speech, which is why he's roiling with this intense, all-pervading hatred, and crying as he beats his perfect tempo upon the lyre of history.

"Now-wooden" refers not neccessarily to a physical attribute but rather to Chronos's perception of it, which has changed since he was supplanted by his son. He's very bitter about it all, but powerless.

Don't worry, larry: no hard feelings over here. I just couldn't figure out why you came across as so angry at me. I wasn't sure what I did.
 — zepplin42

You're a tenacious zeppelin I must say! I see where the critics are coming from on the rust front though - I think rust and rotting don't fit together in the line - I think you've gone for the alliterative effect and while that's fine, I think another word between rusting and rotting might help. Your take on thundersmite is also interesting - I too would have gone for thundersmote even adjectivally as I like the sound or it better in the poem. Good luck with this one zep -  I think it has  immense potential, but I don't think its quite there yet.
 — opal

Dryden and Pope are too pre-classical to be of any help here. There's no political element to this poem. Besides, the two of them (to my knowledge) didn't ever compose poetry on looking out over the face of a beloved, ruined nation. If they did, I'd like to know.
-z
 — zepplin42

Hey Bulldog when you gonna take that bone which always tastes the same out of your mouth and go and chew on something else?
 — larrylark

zan?
 — unknown

Damn you Tobias Pearl!!!
 — unknown

it reminds me of prologues to epics..the detail, the language, the imagery, the depth, all that..will come back when my shoulder ahces less, typing aggravates it. damn age getting to me..
 — unknown

me from above, got kicked off.
 — wendz

Is this the poem you were talking about? (It must be) Wow. I love it. Damn. I am so jealous right now. You know you did good when you make me jealous that it is not my poem and envious that I did not write it! But this is fun. It reminds me of mine, but I didn't write it, so I like it better. Did I inspire this really? I am so flattered and a bit unbelieving. This is so beautiful, atmospheric and mythical how I like.. mmm...  Bad I only saw it now, huh? Sorry! I have been so caught up in life.

"Bonesteel rainclouds". What a line. And the image of his lyre. I find that incredible... beaten in by tears. Bonesteel.. I'm going to steal that word from you sometime. Hope you don't mind! And lines 11-14... I like how you said that. I like how you used Chronos instead of Venus. Chronos is a wonderful god. Ohhh... I am so jealous right now. =( But its ok. It's a good jealousy. Ok. I'm stealing bonesteel and Chronos back from you to use at some point in time. ;-)

You and LL are having quite a feud, huh? lol I also want to say how much I love this because its like you took my idea and took the next step with it and plus it shows me how well you understood my poem. I love what you said about impermanency of empire..  Thank you! You don't know how amazing it was to read this. It was such a pleasure. I want to hug you. You are so sweet. I love the title too.
 — elysium

Now you make me want to work on the last lines of mine. You have some far better descriptions in there where mine now feel like they could use a bit more complexity. I like mine still, but I really like yours. I think it many ways it is a lot better than mine.
 — elysium

I think it's very graphic..but i think for me to beable to understand whats REALLY going on, i need more details. Because i can't interpret wiether it's a teenage-chaos story, or a rough romance one.
 — Rwg-impaired

ok..rwg.. whatever you say. "Finally, all the credit for this really goes to Elysium."
Not really. You did such an amazing job of "coloring it in". I really can't express to you how flattered I am or how much I love this poem (it is so atmospheric and has such depth of meaning). The more I read it the more I love it.
 — elysium

"I have to say this is unsuccessful because pages don't rot, they decay, fall away, anything, but they don't rust."

How do you know that in the realm of the Titans, pages do not rust? Maybe there are dimensions where pages do rust. It would depend what material they were made of, now wouldn't it?

What I love about poetry is that it is an art of language that allows one to communicate things that are abstract and sometimes, not even completely logical. When people have complaints like that about poetry... about suns not being gold and planets not being stars, and pages not being able to rust... I find it a little silly. Sorry, but I do.
 — elysium

I meant suns not being silver.. hehe. Confusing myself now, I am.
 — elysium

wow.....................................................................

wholly fucking shit. images all the way through. it just doesn't stop 'till the end.

i love this one. great writing.
 — AEOS

basically, larry, you need to think through your arguments a little more.

never give zep any negative crit; he's one of the most talented writers currently posting here, and can immediately shut down anything you tell him.

tell him why an image doesn't work, and he can instantly tell you why it does work.

however, if you simply tell him how it can be improved, then he will consider the improvement, and if it really does improve, then he will use it (as demonstrated by the first comment and his response).

in short, being an asshole and sticking to it won't really get you anywhere on the internet, or in real life.
 — AEOS

you should give him negative crit because 1) this is a critical site and 2) he obviously DOES listen to come crits that he agrees with so there IS a point.

I love this. It's very much my kind of poetry. I also prefer the rusting pages to rotting pages.  I LOVE the idea of a page rusting. The fact that it may (or may not) happen in real life doesn't matter. It's a poem. if I say I can fly it doesn't mean I really can, just means the idea of it works. This is the same kind of thing (only infintately better)

good stuff
 — kalika

of course. i was just putting up a minor defense for zep (which he really didn't need much, because he seems to handle it quite well). i just didn't like the idea of larry putting down such an amazing poem and then giving no reason for it.

when i said negative crit, i didn't mean "i don't think this works because..."

i meant things like "this sucks you should stop writing. ass."

you get it.
 — AEOS

Wow. This is number 2 now? Weird...

Zepp, where are you? I haven't even seen you around here of late. Hmm. If I don't see you soon, I'm going to have to email you, huh? Figures you are probably off somewhere in your own little world right now, like I usually am. I wrote a new poem about the seventeenth teardrop.. inspired by the seventeenth major arcana card of the tarot and of course you, but.. probably needs a lot of work still. Who knows.

Good comments, AEOS. I agree with you. Larry seems he can be a little harsh and narrow-minded at times, though he is a good writer, so I must at least take his thoughts into some consideration. From what I have read, he doesn't really write in the style I love, but he is talented all the same. But I love your style of poetry, AEOS. Nice you like this. At least Larry critiques. A lot of people don't. But for being the adept writer that he is, I was a little surprised by his narrow mindedness regarding rust. hehe
 — elysium

i wasn't really feeling the word choice, and to a simpleton like me, it was hard to understand, but that is just me.
 — stainedsteal

Tony hobkins a motivatable preacher once said,"Tony Hobkins hungry." and ate Peter Griffen. What this had to do with the poem I don't know, but if there is a relation its totally coinsidental. Honestly.
 — unknown

o, by the way there was a c in coincidental, yeah totally by mistake...
 — mike

i liked your poem alot, thats all i can really say...
 — mike

Okay zeppster. Here's my critique. First off, it feels incomplete. I've always felt that it is somewhat unfinished, and that hasn't changed in my opinion. It feels as if there is a massive build up of lyricism, and just as we are about to climax--it ends. The poem seems to end very abruptly, without a clsing anticlimax. I'm not sure if that is the intrntion here, but that's the feeling I got.

If that isn't what is supposed to happen, then I would suggest perhaps putting l7 to l10 as its own stanza, to draw out the feel of the poem. By this I mean make the poem seem longer, and as such, perhaps dilute the brevity-like feel. You know, I have no idea if other people feel this, no one seems to have commented on it.

Part of what makes me feel this is also the last line, the '-' feels like a torn off sentence, as if there is more to come, but it is too late and the 'waveswept ruins' have already been 'buried in amber waves of grain'. That the ending is not really an ending, just something which through force is left unfinished.

I read it again slowly, and it still feels somewhat incomplete. There just seems to be a lack of [oomph] to finish it. I don't know hey, I really don't.

To the technicalities, I think there are too many '-'s, it looks slightly odd and the modernity of it seems to not fit the mythological feel of the poem. Also, l4 leading into l5 seems to lack a certain punctuation, perhaps just a comma after l4 would fix it. Same with l5 to l6, it looks and reads as if there is a certain something lacking, either a period or a connecting word.

I think I have what seems to be missing from the ending. What happens to the 'I' figure? S/he is apparent throughout the poem until the last stanza, where s/he just disappears. It seems as though s/he is narrating a story, but all of a sudden, our narrator disappears and it is in third person. This leaves the poem feeling incomplete, I feel.

I have in my mind, the imagery of an overcast evening, where rain threatens to pour down and drown the world, and someone clinging to a statue of the Virgin Mary, who for some reason has a pair of wings. And I can see the person crying and lamenting something, but his prayers fall on deafened ears. Don't know if this was the intended imagery, but it's what I read from this.

I love the first stanza and have no problems whatsoever with rusting and rotting. Just a stray thought here--it seems almost as if the poem incorporates a lot of technological aspects. We have pages which 'rust' and 'bonesteel' clouds. Chronos perhaps a reference to time being pushed forwards into the fantasy setting? If his lyre is 'now-wooden', does it perhaps indicate that the world has lost metal, and has been forced to return to the use of wood?

Your poetry is mighty hard to figure out, but I enjoy reading and trying to understand this stuff. I especially liked the pairing of l15 and l16. Very interesting stuff you have here. I tend to like it.
 — wendz

i'm always interested in poems based on mythology.
i'm more interested however to see such a fine debate between an author and critique.
the critique has given a clear and justified opinion
the author has concisely defended their case

fundamently though. if your first impression of a poem is, that it doesn't quite work for this and that reason, then the poem is flawed, beautiful maybe, but still imperfect.

i have more fond thoughts towards this poem than not, but like larry and to a certain extent wendz i agree with the criticisms that have been made, because without the authors explanation i would never have drawn the conclusions they hoped me to draw from this piece of work.

I'm more aware of Chronos as creator, not only of time, but of chaos and life too. I wouldn't associate him with a lyre, or the sea for example
I would not have made the link from Maria to Mary either, i would have imagined you were speaking of Maria the Harlot, or one of Zeus's lovers, or maybe one of the wise priestesses from the Lyceum in Athens.

There are imperfections yes, and the meaning isn't traditional or logical in the way references to mythology would be in a poem written by shakespeare for instance. (Where an informed reader could work out the meaning of the poem) However if the writer likes it and is proud of it, and they're not looking to publish or be taught in class at high schools, then it's a fair piece and worthy of some compliment i feel.

I have seen enough to want to read more things you have written. you clearly have imagination and talent, which will only continue to grow, through critiscm and your acceptance of it.
 — unknown

the previous unknown comment is mine
 — Green_Bench

did you write the original noodleman?
 — kaleidazcope

zeppster, I really like noodleman's division of the stanzas.
-wendz
 — unknown

how can anything be better that is different?
it's incomparable surely
i mean
the content fiddling makes the poem ordinary everyday blah now
as far removed from the original author's style as can be
which is why i asked if you were the original author noodleman
i cud be wrong
and i often am
but i'd be prepared to don a helmet when the author gets back
i really feel that it's wrong to change peoples words
layout is one thing
but words is summat else altogether
 — kaleidazcope

I was worried I might have offended. If so, please accept my apologies. I thought I saw a leaner way to work it and i couldn't think of a way to convey that but with direct fiddling. or maybe i've got lazy fingers. or maybe i'm a control freak. in any case, i'm sorry. it put me in mind of a beutiful woman wearing just a tad too much makeup, but i suppose that's a matter of taste, and i've got no right foisting my grammatical predilections upon someone elses woman-poem.

i suppose i've committed literary frottage and gotten caught with my dick out on a public bus, eh?

no need to don a helmet, Kal, I'll prostrate myself and offer my own head.

sorry.
 — noodleman

It's a beautiful woman. But she is not wearing too much makeup.
 — unknown

As i said, i'm sorry.
 — noodleman

hellenic heaven
 — unknown

*laughs*
noodleman--zepp (writer of poem) doesn't usually take affront to suggestions, I doubt that you've pissed him off. He's disappeared, ain't 'round no more.
 — unknown

"Lo!" said he, and he was back.
-zep

Noodleman, I don't take offense to your suggestions. You've given me something good which I will have to seriously consider.

Sorry to all, I've just had a crazy little summer of work and life!
-z
 — zepplin42

Yay! zepp's back! Welcome..*presents bouquet of flowers*
 — unknown

I liked this, though I'm not sure why; maybe it's just scattered enough that I can get away with saying that, lol.  It certainly sounds like there's a story behind it, and I would love to hear it.  

With the first stanza being three lines, I think that lines 4-6 could go alone as well, especially since there's a sort of subject-change after line 6.  Another suggestion: Combine lines 12 and 13 to read

    "Lips pressed to granite statues,"

I think that it would give the poem less disjointedness, and it doesn't really sound like you need the pause of a line break there.  If you did combine those (or even if you didn't), I think that a stanza break between lines 14 and 15 might make it flow more smoothly, as well as emphasizing the subjects of both stanzas a little more.

Hope you can get something out of these suggestions.  It was a good poem overall.

P.S.  Try wave-swept in line 14; it reads more easily, I think.
 — Rhibal

i think is ok if
i graded iiii would give it a 6
keep writing
jasmen J
 — unknown

it realy is ok
 — unknown

ok, I'm sorry-- I don't have much to say-- actually all I have to say is that I LOVE THIS POEM!!  it's going on my favorites list now :)
 — Rhibal

^ oops :) the last comment was mine, I was signed on in my sister's account, whose screen name is Rhibal. . . anyways, this is great zepplin!!
 — Angelfire

love the first three lines and lines 15-16
 — meghanmidget

Dumb!!!!!!!!!! No feeling whatsoever!!! Not a good topic!
 — unknown

Spin me tattered melodies  1
and well-rhymed prophecies  2
in rusting, rotting pages—

these 3 prepare the actual story? if they are the poem is figured good, but if they just lie there, nothing to do, i give it a 6.
 — invain

paul celan.
 — unknown

I don't even pretend to understand all of this but it's beautiful.  11-13 make me want to cry.  
 — Isabelle5

Well, thanks to all for the compliments and the criticisms. I'll go backwards to keep up with y'all.

Isabelle, thanks. Maybe I'll send you an email on it.

Paul Celan? Who's that?

InVain, your comment, while it doesn't help in its thesis, made me notice a wonderfully helpful change that I can make, and I will do so post-haste. I will say this, though: Those first three lines do set up the rest of the poem. If they don't work for you in that way, can you tell me how I can make it better?

Unknown: I declare you a nothing.

Meghanmidget, angelfire, & ribhal- thank you all, even if it's two of you. Unknown & Jasmen- thanks, I think.

Ribhal, thanks for the in-depth look. Maybe I'll send you an email, too. The reason that I didn't combine a lot of those lines is because I am going for a broken, decaying feeling in the piece, like picking up the pieces of a book that just crumbled in your hands. You're right on about "wave-swept" as well, though I like the pun the way it is. I'll change that, too.

As for the rest, wendz, I'm still working on what you've said. I can't seem to find noodleman's stanza division, which is a little perplexing since I wanted to consider it when I had the time (as I now do).

Now, just to clarify, I forgot to check the footnote, which is why it has been absent. Perhaps this clears up a few questions about the form. Let me know if it doesn't.
-z
 — zepplin42

i know i already commented on and rated this with my other username.

but i had to come back to it. plus, what the fuck is it doing at 62 on the top rated? it deserves much higher than that. i'm going to rate this a nine just because it's so amazing.

it deserves every point it can get. cheers to this one.
 — mould_jesus

umm k I got nuthin of this shit am doin a prjoect for english I need a poeam with pronisfiction or sumthin I dunno I been on for liek h ours she lucky am actuly tryin but dis hopeless am goin to chill wid my freinds bye x0
 — unknown

OK  THIS IS CRAP ITS DNT MAKE SENSE!!!

STUDENT WHO HATES SKOOL
 — unknown

  OK ZEPPLIN42 THIS POEM IS CRAP i AGREE WITH  LARRYLARK  IT DNT MAKE SENSE JUS RUBBISH U NEED TO GET A LIFE INSTEAD OF RITING CRAP Y ASS POEMS.

-BADBOI
 — unknown

i'm not overley sure what to say, as your writing outshines mine by miles. i think it is wonderful, and would love to have a mind as imaginative as yours. i just love stanza 2, it's beautiful!
 — twistedfairy

I hope you are ok, Zepplin. I notice you haven't signed in in ages. :(
 — unknown

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