poetry critical

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Everything is lifey

I'm like a child
painting the shapes in my head
the hearts stars and all their strings
and midnight curtains
tied around my neck as a cape for
a superhero unearthing the sociopaths
that haunt the feeding stalls
where my friends work and
sing, safe and sound
in a world that revolves
around tomorrow
where maybe we
get to wake up warm, well fed,
clothed clean and entertained
by the ghosts that yesterday
were villains on the news
faces being remembered as psychopaths
while the victims names were memorialized
names painted etched and engraved
up above the ground on a block of marble
marking a spot in the green grass
we can say here lies so and so
and tomorrow we're gonna do things different
maybe outlaw guns
because it worked so well with drugs
or bad words and
naked women on television
all the unethical immoral garbage trash rubbish
we need to hide from the kids
and instead give them
big fat soda pop bibles candy Sunday school rules TV Xbox and Jesus
tomorrow the world may be warmer
but today we have AC and ice cream
and anyway watches can Google solutions
and we have police to protect us from the fanatical minorities
and politicians and judges and lawyers figuring everything out
so all these stories we see
these mass murderers and terrorists and villains
will just go away
you know it's true because they even made a movie about it
and if they didn't you can just
find it on the internet, it's rule 34,
and it's not like any of us would ever break it.

4 Dec 14

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internet rules!! lol
that list was being passed around all the time in comment sections on other sites
we meme'd the crud out of that last year.

i'd lose "the" in L2, 3, 6
break after "news" and "grass" or give a new strophe.
throw some commas in 31, heck throw commas in many spots :)

watches can google solutions? like wrist watches?
i'd lose "and" in 35, 36, throw some commas in and begin a new strophe there.
comma after "see" in L37

it has good girth, but it's very rushed. unless that is what you were going for.
i like it either way.

and great ending.
 — mandolyn