poetry critical

online poetry workshop



The Moment After
kripto

You had asked me a question
 1
within seconds my aorta had burst
 2
The alarms blared, as my reality attacked
 3
My judgment gone, I prepared my defenses
 4
 
 
The truth in my purpose had just been revealed
 5
I realized quickly
 6
That you were forever in my frame
 7
With every wink or blink I took, you were still there
 8
 
 
As if I were an old camera,
 9
You were burned into my lens
 10
So that every picture I took
 11
Would be blessed or cursed
 12
With a transparent you
 13
And every time I analyzed
 14
I realized the truth
 15
 
 
I recall the day we met, in January
 16
A cold wind blew
 17
Ignored by my defenses  
 18
resulting in mountain ranges appearing across my arm
 19
And everywhere
 20
 
 
Like a picked dandelion she walked in
 21
Never wished upon, fluttering past
 22
Guided by purity and light
 23
Led quietly and carefully through the absence
 24
 
 
My brain shutdown as I spoke
 25
Hoping to assist, to help you
 26
But the only motive I had
 27
Was to talk
 28
To you
 29
To soak up every second of that moment
 30
Blinded, I was ignorant
 31
 
 
Without my knowledge
 32
That moment and all following
 33
Subconsciously instigated a change in me
 34
I saw myself somewhere lost
 35
 
 
As I began to give up
 36
Allowing my head, submerged,
 37
And lungs to fill up with water
 38
My vision glimpsed a raft in which you were upon
 39
 
 
However so, the current was mighty, I almost Succumbed
 40
But with prayer and hope
 41
I relaxed, laying my head back, I stayed afloat
 42
Waiting for another sign, but so far, I have seen Just water
 43
 
 
So at this time, death seemed so sweet
 44
Until the realization dawned on me
 45
Of why I should even be
 46
Yes life is hard, but you exist, therefore
 47
I should live
 48
 
 
The softest skin to have ever grazed my own
 49
A smile so beautiful, it makes flowers begin to weep
 50
Unable to explain the power of your gaze
 51
When ever you are near, I feel
 52
As if i took a dozen pills of ecstasy
 53
 
 
And as i overdose on your beauty
 54
I see my life pass before my eyes
 55
Only scenes in which I needed in order to decide
 56
Whether or not I should fight to stay alive
 57
 
 
I saw you clearly in my mind, my miraculous reality
 58
I smelt you faintly and heard your voice, reversing my fatality
 59
The attainment of a purpose
 60
Gave me a second chance
 61
 
 
Now that I have gazed into the eyes of god
 62
And am back to tell the tale
 63
I peer into yours and see that he does not compare
 64
For how can God be real if I am staring at true perfection
 65
 
 
Or maybe she was created to be our heavenly connection
 66
Gods greatest gift to humanity since his own son's resurrection
 67
Perfection is rare, but she is the example
 68
An innocent soul
 69
Hidden and lost in a sea of scoundrels
 70
 
 
The moment my eyes wandered into her gaze
 71
I felt it
 72
She was a lightning rod for beauty
 73
absorbing all the world had to offer
 74
And I the ground
 75
channeling it through the rivers of my heart
 76
 
 
I was not expecting
 77
for beauty, love, and joy
 78
to be lethal
 79
over whelmed by high doses of toxicity
 80
brimming with blissful euphoria  
 81
 
 
I take solace in
 82
the moment we first began to coexist,
 83
and forever indebted  
 84
to each moment that follows
 85

17 Dec 14

Rated 10 (10) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (0): 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(57 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

bodies cum and go
and so does "special love"

there is a love
that never departs
not even if there
are bed farts

seek and you'll never find
open up, it will blind
you
forever smiling with your white cane
you will spread the fire
candle to candle
forever
 — unknown

Too many beats, maybe youbsaid lots...

You died tho?! Or survived?! Or died for a few momentos?!

Yoi got to splain' it better
 — 13fatstacks

Okay the way I see this piece is you have a lot to say..it could be downsized a bit and more concrete images and the very first couple of lines my heart skipped a beat that is very cliché in a first love poem sort of way use maybe my heart skipped on a razor edge or my heart was a skipping record, but if you can take out heart all together that would be better cause the use of heart unless your referring medically it is very cliché too..  The part I like the most is the metaphor of an old camera, "burned into my lens" this is interesting...  This could also use a lot less telling and more showing us through imagery or images such as softest skin show me softest skin is it like an orchid petal or melting wax between your fingertips...  Show us don't tell us..  and also tell us something we don't already know about love.. not something we do know make it weird and bizarre and exciting..
 — brother_sun

I gave you a 9 for starters cause I believe in positive reinforcement.. but ill come back and give you a ten if you freshen it up a bit..
 — brother_sun

ooh yea and read read read writing is 80 to 90 percent reading read some poetry of great contemporary and modern poetry like for love poems read ee Cummings and Pablo Neruda.. Neruda has some great love poems.. and also Lorca.. google some of them and see what you come up with.. the more you read the better off at finding cliché phrases and over used words you will be..i will put this on my favorites for a while so I can track it and see if I can help you any further with it...
 — brother_sun

what i liked in this:
life is hard, but you exist
therefore i should live

(that would also make a great ending)

i would clean up the wording in some lines. maybe even delete a few stanzas.
as i was reading this i came up with my own version, but i won't bother you with
typing it all out.
it's your poem and i don't want to re-write it for you. plus, i'm foggy this morning
so what i just came up with is probably utter crap. :)
 — mandolyn

edited
 — kripto

I like aorta better than heart...its coming along nicely..  You might want to try some alteration too if you get chance..to make it more pleasing to the ear.. just some thoughts..
 — brother_sun

It's way too dense.  Too much.  Too much telling.  Too much ranting.  Too much melancholy.  Too much purporting.  Too much whimsy.  Too pansy.  Too reverent.  

too much, much too, much
much too

Honestly, by the time I got through the third stanza I felt as though I was half asleep sitting at a kitchen table eating a bowl of stale cheerios with water because the milk curdled.  Reads a lot like the healthy heart sponsored sports/athlete marketing they plaster across the back of the cereal box.

Nothing to fret over though. There's plenty to take and write about here.  Just need to ditch all the nonsense and sentimentality that the narrator clings to, as it does nothing but drag it down.

It stands as a better skeleton text for erasure than it does a poem.

"Real as reality?"  
"Sir... Sir..."
"Who the fuck wants reality anyway?"
"Sir, everyone... Sir, everyone..."  
"Even reality today is not reality."  
"Sir... Sir"
"It's only real when your face gets ripped off."
"Sir... everyone has left.  Sir... Sir."
"It's only real when your choking on  the bile of your ancestors."
"Sir... you need to leave.  Sir, please wake up."
"It's only real when you're asleep."
"Sir.  Please wake up. Sir"
"It's only real when the paddles are strapped to the side of your forehead."
"Sir... Sir... Sir.  Everyone.  Sir. Wake up!"

No.

subclavian, pulmonary, ventricle, atrium, vena cava, aorta
stop
i want to break your heart in like a catcher’s mitt
 — OldShoe

some more edit
 — kripto

Her face is meant to be seen by other you sucker.
But maybe, she will get old one day.
You owe me! Cook my shit up now!
 — unknown

0.352s