poetry critical

online poetry workshop

This is a lot.

It's been a long time since I've felt
that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach,
surging forward to the point of dyspnea,
heart bursting, a tachycardic fanfare pounding twice a second in my ears,
pushing every limit, feeling my muscles fermenting,
trying to blow off the acid in my veins,
struggling every minute to get my mind farther away from you.
This old song crashes through my brain,
I feel each nerve singing and shredding until your name  is rattling around in my limbic system,
Everything is fine,
I know it's going to be fine,
Why doesn't it matter that I know it's going to be fine?
Where is left brain in this madness?
And there we are wrapped up in lofty summer heat,
all sweat and humidity and there is not enough air here,
maybe you've taken it all,
maybe it lives deep inside your lungs and you would allow me enough to breathe if I kiss you now,
maybe I wouldn't hate myself tomorrow if I navigated my way back through this last year,
left the boy that has become everything that made my skin crawl when you would try to touch me,
sought out that safe place between your shoulder and your chin where no one can get me,
no one can find me there but you,
you who are so safe and so sweet
and so what you can't make up your mind, so what you have no desire to breathe your own fire and make your own terrible, beautiful, tragic and spectacular messes,
maybe you do and I was just too narcissistic to see it then,
maybe it's been my own pathology all along,
none of this matters, not while I'm here,
a whole 584 million miles and then some away.
To answer your question: of course I'm still here,
there is nothing new or strong about me,
I probably don't even want you, I probably just want something familiar like a baby blanket or a boy that loved me more than anything to remember what my name tastes like,
and so I'll still be here,
running around in the same old circles for tonight,
by tomorrow I will be waist deep in Baltimore,
and none of this will matter,
and you will never know
but I will be tearing down a new path,
and that's enough for me.
That is enough for now.

11 Feb 15

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