poetry critical

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james dean at dusk

with you i am space;
a cathedral dancing
your hand is a pilot
landing sonnets in my hair
& we become
within the loud corners
of my heart
i help the music
pick a song for you
& we move
two belly flops
finding our feet
i find your coat
& walk inside
gather wood
for your shoulders
you yank the sky
& wrap the moon
around my neck
clocks can't hear us
walls weaken
there's a mountain on my knee
old with quake;
i slide into your bath
& we become

17 Mar 15

Rated 9.3 (8.7) by 3 users.
Active (3): 8, 10, 10
Inactive (6): 1, 5, 8, 10, 10, 10

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very tight writing. i wonder if at the end of 10 a colon: wouldn't let you drop the & and move directly into the dance

... a song for you:

we move

cause the you and move do step together as one.
 — cadmium

oh, mandee, very nice... i'm so happy to see this from you... it's got style and content and meaning.
 — cadmium

this though pleases me, its like what i want to do sometimes, but i havent the focus- well, more the restraint to lock the images together and let them twirl. nice with the spacing. cool with clarity and even (gulp) economy.
 — DeformedLion

You don't really need all the ampersands.  Every single line where you have them works very well without them.  They don't add a thing to your meaning.  Love song, love poem, observations about a good thing going.  
 — Isabelle5

the ampersands are charming, mandee, and express graphically as elan. poets have been using these as you're using them since the 1920's without being having their books burnt.
 — cadmium

he thinks you're charming.
grooming mode.
 — unknown

unk, i think poetry can charming.
 — cadmium

NOT feelin' the ampersands.  May just be ME, but when I'm writing, I tend 2 prefer more 2 spell out the conjunction, "and."  I think in these days so slang overkill and Hip Hop-infused, common vernacular that we are losing more and more of our "language" these days and it's sad.  The only reason I substitute "to" and "for" with "2" and "4" is just 2 save time, where I'm at work and I don't have MUCH time.  That's all.   Mind u, I'm not scolding, but merely expressing a personal need for the conservation of our "words" and the wondrous things that come along WITH them.  The poem seems like a collection of disconnections 2 me, but that could be simply because I'm not up on the James Dean tip and am therefore missing the point/message behind it.  :-)
 — starr

  I think in these days so slang overkill and Hip Hop-infused, common vernacular

^  Oops!  Toldya I was at work goin' nuts!  LOL!  What I mean is:  v

I think in these days, with so much slang and Hip Hop-infused overkill,
that common vernacular is lost and suffers.  U get the idea hopefully.  :-)
 — starr

title is a personal thing...
for the person i wrote it for

it's a strange breeze, but i enjoyed writing it/riding it.

thanks, isabelle, cad, deformed and starr
 — mandolyn

ampersands are perfectly acceptable do not detract and opinion otherwise is completely subjective similar to choice of punctuation or lack there of along with captilization and arbitrary spacing of lines whereas many might have preference in certain instances it serves little bearing when compared to what you presented earlier this is certainly more polished but the title like many others of yours carries that same garland-like feeling and it may be worthwhile to consider dropping some of the clever-quirk crutches you appear to be keen of only so many reversals out of order turn on its head areangements that one can use before it becomes commonplace or more predictable than original or of intrigue it begins to just sit out on the novelty shelf and rather then standing against challenge it finds itself kicked into the no knack everything drawer where all things go to die
 — OldShoe

we become we being the most interesting exploration
 — OldShoe

it's pretty numb -- yes, emotionally numb -- not to see that when your eye hits the ampersand you do a little flip of emotion -- it's a twirl on the dance floor.

the shape of the text has always been a part of the poem -- even the beginners think they've written a poem because what they typed looks like a poem from some book. for most people writing -- all 6 billion poets in the world -- a poem is a poem because it looks like one.

taking that down further, the things in the poem which graphically catch the eye are called 'poetic'. you know that when you see a poem in the shape of a butterfly that you think it's cute -- even though the shape shows nothing about flying -- isn't a spiral or undulation -- is just a butterfly shape. so, the devices in the poem: the stanzas, the punctuations, the line-ending, are a part of making a poem work effectively to cause the reader to feel free, creative, to feel more than just being a passive reader taking a fact up the behind.
 — cadmium

such a pretty read! some great lines throughout, but lines 7-10 are my favorite :)
 — sweetmisery

thanks, sweetmisery

i was thinking of making my next poem without vowels.
 — mandolyn

you should i never so far as to remove word parts Like vowels not to say similar thoughts haven't passed but have certainly ventured towards removing certain word types in syntax this not being anything new at times challenging your writing with restrictions can open new paths for meaning and you can discover more things about writing how it acts on the reader how a poem performs as the best do in most instances often it is in the performance where everything exists which is why form and structure take such subjective criticism and why the objective will often throw clocks at certain pieces wanting categorical structure a means to measure by whether beat or form or  anything quantatative such as time time and time again i had written a few pieces which were explorative here in how far arrangement and repetition could be pushed and how much meaning could be squeezed from the the language somewhere there is a tree hung heavy with all the language of the world and always worth sending someone up it to shake the living hell out of those boughs if not just to see what falls from it even the rotten fruit has purpose squeezed mashed and set to ferment
 — OldShoe

all pulp

you have a lot of it

it is healthy to have it

doing more with it is the trouble

do more with it
 — OldShoe

oldshoe- i want to shake the living hell out of that comment. it was poetry itself.
and boughs, because i like trees, like, uh lot.

thanks for your time and encouragement. i do read everything you say and i do know what writes of mine are underfed or overfed or only have half a box of crayons. but sometimes i want them to be that way. i don't know why. i guess i'm mean. i could use detention and a straight jacket.
 — mandolyn

I wish I was James Dean
At dusk
 — unknown

i wish you were dusk
in a tree
 — mandolyn

ah mandee I heard you again! I really like this one and the variety of metaphor works well, pretty durned accessible.
 — NicMichaels

hey ya nic! thanks :)
 — mandolyn

there are parts here that work and there are parts that simply don't.... when you throw in the tongue and cheek stuff it jars the lovely flow that underlies this poem....ease up on the hill billy crap and you could be a great writer
 — unknown

mandy's always about writing a song. the hill-billy stuff is the tip of the melodic godzilla that lurks on the reader. it's stupid -- stupid -- to demand that a poem get turned into a news article or memo to the boss, just because some casual reader isn't smart enough with poetry to read poetry.

read the text outloud. feel the author's rhythms and structure. become the author. then, if you think the author didn't sound authentically herself, say so. mandy IS hillbilly. that's her limitation, and the limitation of this kind of writing, but it's real.
 — cadmium