poetry critical

online poetry workshop



you and me, idiot
jenakajoffer

what shall I do with a drunk--
 1
put him in a boat?
 2
 
 
any idiot can row,
 3
but can he dive, can he porpoise?
 4
 
 
you can be a genius
 5
when you want me that badly.
 6
your advert said
 7
"without you I'm a dormant volcano"
 8
 
 
but you are an idiot;
 9
you sunk a ship called everything,
 10
crashed down and buried me.
 11
 
 
turns out I loved you
 12
even though all your angles
 13
collapsed into a point,
 14
 
 
and my point is
 15
 
 
if I was a magician
 16
and told you to watch closely,
 17
you'd close your eyes and disappear
 18
 
 
and I would say,
 19
fuck you and the boat you rowed in on,
 20
 
 
which is just another way of saying
 21
come back.
 22

18 May 15

Rated 10 (9.8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (4): 8, 9, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

good academic quality modern poetry -- like ashbery or some bastard of phil levine. now, you just need a vocabulary and some rhythm.

for now, i have to say that i really hate the fake-out way modern poetry has broken and then rejoined a paragraph with a comma and a drop down.

did you learn this in class -- did your professor make you lighten up your prose by breaking it?

curious. if i were a magician and told you to write slowly, you'd close your mind and switch on your mobile.
 — cadmium

Nothing academic about it, dad.
 — jenakajoffer

This makes me ache a little.  Even if you could tell it, some lovers cannot hear it or even begin to figure out what they have done.  Last two lines...
 — Isabelle5

Jenn, good to see you here.  Either you haven't been or I've missed your poems.
 — Isabelle5

it's very academic, jen. really surprised me when i 10'd it and saw it was yours. it's so much like all the 1950 post writing -- the archness and almost supercilious voicing, and the way the paragraph is artificially broken -- pretty much a signature technique now.
 — cadmium

I've read these before, I think. Are they reposts?
 — PollyReg

I don't know squat about the 50's poetry era. Call it what you like. Don't care. But appreciate the comment just the same.

Have t missed anything Isabelle, just haven't been here.

Hey Polly, repost it is. Orange is new tho.
 — jenakajoffer

Love it.
 — Haxxen

LINES 5-6 ARE THE STUFF OF A YOUNG SCHOLAR'S INSTAGRAM BIO. BRAVO
 — anastasiya

jen, the problem with people who don't really give a damn about poetry, but want their own poetry read, is that they just clone what they think a poem is supposed to sound like -- haven't you thought this out already? that you're writing totally inside the square box of 'meaningful because i say it is' poetry -- that it's such weak writing -- that you're not looking at yourself, just at how the buttons are working on the people you must really think are stupid enough to take you at your word -- 'this is poetry because i felt it'.

you have this one chance in life to be real, and this other chance to be a bar troll. when have any of us been real in these plastic situations where we're buying and selling ourselves to some haircut?
 — cadmium

I really like your, "Collapsed to a point," remark, but your actions are inconsiquential in the poem.
 — percocet

and I am drunk, but I beleive that line 4 should say, "purpose?"
 — percocet

You are better than this.
 — OldShoe

Have written.  Better.
 — OldShoe

Totally, Old Shoe. The porpoise of this was to regurgitate it simply to make myself laugh.

Hi old sock, much love xox
 — jenakajoffer

Percocet, think of porpoises leaping up out of the water, over and over.  That's porpoising.  
 — unknown

maybe this is a safe one to launch from.. Read some of your stuff Jenakajoffer, and I like it. Compliments.
 — sixtywatt

Hey sixty, this must've been awhile ago. Thanks for liking my stuff! I deleted so much over the years I forgot what I had here. Cheers and thanks again.
 — jenakajoffer

This is me, in a nutshell

This is me cracked open
 — Known

im sorry you can relate.
;)
 — jenakajoffer

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