poetry critical

online poetry workshop

after the diagnosis

my room has become a botanical garden.
a sanctuary for rainbows and teddy bears.
visitors come and go
with partially rehearsed conversations.
my world has shrunk
to fighting with cartons on my food tray
and praying I'll never be more than
an arms length away
from a urinal, the remote, my marlboros,
your carefully misplaced
vials of morphine.

19 May 15

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I like this a LOT.  It's raw, it's rich with images that are both lonely and dreary I'd end L1 with a comma instead of a period and then do a line break between L's 2 & 3.  Additionally, I'd break between "visitors come and go" and "with partially rehearsed conversations."  Make those two separate lines and then break again after "conversations" so that "My world" in L4 becomes a new strophe.  It's heavy and (seemingly) hopeless, but u like your "space."  Am I right?  I can relate to the remote and the Marlboros.  :-)
 — starr

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