I want Chinese food right now! This is so good, you can smell pepper and 5 spice! — Isabelle5
I liked the first last line wayyyyy better bro. Trough does not carry any Chinese feel what' so ever.
Also upon rereading, 6-7 doesn't add to the atmosphere and has to be ridden out. This is china town, so I'd expect foreign feel with white hearts...or better yet, foreign feels with foreign hearts... — unknown
I guess 6 is ok...it's really 7 that's the issue. A boring bland line in a poem full of spice and flavor. — unknown
Thanks, Isabelle! Glad u like it and unk., the original first line was "I took the bus somewhere and somewhere was a Chinatown street where...Is that what you're talkin' about? :-) — starr
Okay...some more editing. Do I need 2 mention "Chinatown" in the poem itself or is that indicative by the title? I think it'll stand just fine now. Eager 2 hear your opinions tho. :-) — starr
I like 3-4 now to replace the old 7-6, but I like the original much more than this...Or whatever original I read...It ended with foreign lands or somethin....ginger stars is pretty nice and I like scraps for dragons too. — unknown
I'm glad u like it! The part you're referring to is "slumber was a foreign wasteland; consciousness, an empty trough." Think I'll hang on 2 that 4 another piece on down the line, but 4 now, if it wasn't 4u, I wouldn't've even changed a single hair with this poem, so thank u from the bottom of my heart 4 awakening the need 4 revision with this! I couldn't be any happier with it! I also added "hoisin" (as in sauce) in the last line 4 flavor's sake. Dragons don't like no flava-less scraps! LOL! Thanks again! :-) <3 — starr
The original was a 10. This new edit is an 8.5... — unknown
Thanks, Larry! And unk., I'm gonna stick with it the way it is. Quite honestly, I'm happy with the way it turned out. Thanks 4 all your comments tho. If sumpthin' more tasty should hit me, I'll definitely edit unless u have some more thoughts/suggestions. <3 — starr
Nice sensory images here. I have just one nit, and a small nit at that. I might change slain chickens to dead chickens for alliteration with line 3. Still, top notch work. — PaulS
Hey, Paul! U're still around, buddy! Nice 2 see u and yes! Will change "slain" to "dead." Good call! Thanks! :-) — starr
Please comment on other peoples poems. We are missing you — unknown
Now I'm hungry! :D
Have to ask if you really need 'dead' in L2?
Love 9-10. — sybarite
Unk. I'm around and yes, I'll be back 2 comment on others' writing. Glad 2 know I'm missed and syb, thanks 4 reading. If I were 2 do away with "dead" in L2, wouldn't readers think the chickens were alive??? Hmmmm... :-O — starr
This is very nice and creates an interesting dichotomy with very visceral imagery. Is being awake so bad? :P — Nicholai36
Thanks, Nicholai! Being awake isn't so bad at ALL! Glad u like and thanks 4 reading/commenting! :-) — starr
Pig ears... there should be mention of pig ears. Great poem! — aforbing
Don't think Chinese people eat pigs' ears tho! At least, I've never seen that on any menus! OINK! ;-) — starr
Chinese totally eat pigs ears - you see them in some Asian supermarkets.
I like the first line a lot.
I think some words in this could be cut out: "Windows" in title, |3 "Dim Sum", |7 "produces", |9 - "back".
|4, not sure what this is doing for the poem at large. may be me though.
|7, I suggest "Porkfat drips and sparks". also feels more at home in stanza 3 not 4.
|8, maybe tighten "pink meat" to "fleshy" (I imagine the burnt meat still looks a bit flesh-like).
You're probably sick of editing this though. That's okay. — Virgil