poetry critical

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you and me, blue

the moon only changes colour
when something rare happens;
a volcanic eruption,
or when extremely large fires leave iridescent particles
afloat in the atmosphere.
my particles are waking up earlier than usual
awaiting the thick exotic tension
in your throat;
you could put me in a warm blue bath
and rinse my heart clean;
I can dunk my head under and pretend to know
what I feel.  
the clouds nudge a sail across to me
as my eyes brush closed against the tide;
kissed and connected by one big ship in the sea
where I can climb aboard and dream your love
inside of me.

29 Jul 15

Rated 10 (9) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (4): 5, 6, 10, 10, 10

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you and me, bourgoise pornography
 — unknown

omg I know right!  this is sooooo gay.  but I love it anyway
 — jenakajoffer

at least you said pornography, that's a good sign, I mean, surprising and all.
 — jenakajoffer

you're the best! i missed reading these ones :)
 — mandolyn

I like this!  It's sexy.  A few suggestions:

L4 "cerulean?"  A tad cliche there.  Perhaps just 'blue," but then you'd have "blue" again in L9.
L5 "afloat" instead of "floating."  Also, u have "particles" twice in L4 & in L5.  
L's 13 & 14:  same thing.  "across" appears twice.  WTF???!!!  Write RIGHT!!!!!  ;-)
L16 "kissed and connected."  Nice c/k sonics there when/if u remove the preposition (by.)  
L17 Simile.  Ewww!!!!  Maybe instead "one big ship on the sea with a comma after "connected" in the previous line.
 — starr

Yes!! My boy, my Starr baby! Thank you for looking out for me, my mind is not so sharp with writing as it's been quite some time! I'll look over all your suggestions with sheer delight and edit this beautiful piece of heart-machinery! Thanks for the oil baby!
 — jenakajoffer

Particles and across as repeats are intended...a nudge to get the sail moving I suppose. It's what I need here, I do like it. The rest was spot on and I made the changes!

Thanks again my lovely dawg!
 — jenakajoffer

Oh thanks Mandee! Wow thank you so much! I have new material, you and me has been rejuvenated!
 — jenakajoffer

The bigger the moon, the higher the tides.

The break between 16/17 is the most awkward one of this work, but that's just a preferential subjectivity.

oh, to be sailing again, though.
 — PaleHorse

Thank you, you were right, that break wasn't the best. :)
This is very mushy and not like my writing at all really. But it was time to experiment and surrender my tough exterior, and give no shit about it.

Let us sail.
 — jenakajoffer

Jen and Palehorse sittin' in a tree...
 — Known

you're silly, Gnomie :)
 — jenakajoffer

this spam is a real pain to scroll across, i should delete this
 — jenakajoffer

polly's doing the spam. she thinks it's some kind of conceptual poetry trip, and she believes the mods are encouraging her to do it. she'll just repeat the spam.
 — cadmium

lol. Of course I'm doing the spam. Told you why too.
 — PollyReg

Im not choosey either. Come one, come all. Heh.
 — PollyReg

I own yer widdle botties
 — PollyReg

this is such a fun poem. so well wrought. when my particles wake up earlier than usual, lmao, I always listen to thriller by Michael Jackson. It fixes it so up.

Get rid of your adjectives and it will be alright. Even then it doesn't say much.
 — PollyReg

So well wrought then you say it doesn't say much, lol, contradicting opinion polls.

it says a lot if you are in love or if you have romance in your blood. Thanks for reading, it is meant to be fun, indeed. This is a second you and me blue; the first one was written in 2010 I think. :)
 — jenakajoffer

Okay what I meant is that it is well wrought in a 'fun' context. I can read this and I feel that it is quite positive, chirpy, etc.

But I can't take 'real' away from it. I don't know if it is the collision of images or the adjectives or just missing 'voice' --

I remember you and me, green - And forgive me because I haven't read it for a while but it said something like..

you become...
we become...
I become falling

or something like that. I thought it was great. Decided and delicious to read. I think you are aware that I do not think all your poems are great.

Its not me personally disliking you. Although, I may well dislike you - but it is not something you have to worry about or even consider - It shouldn't be an issue on this website. Liking or Disliking.

I don't think any of us are providing a charity for the lonely, here. I'm sure we all have friends.

It is just more that I just think some of your poems are better than others. Some of my poems certainly are too. Most are crap.

So back to your poem,

In this there are all sorts of things. volcanoes. sails. bathtubs. particles? and etc. and all way over modified.
 — PollyReg

And if that seems harsh it shouldn't.

Even though I am not providing charity services for the lonely, lately I have been providing drunk arguments and sex shows. So its all good.

Don't take things seriously.
 — PollyReg

Or rather, take things seriously, but don't take this dumb website seriously. Nobody could be friends in this context, even without the unknown function. Just write your poems.

 — PollyReg

You know how I am well enough on pc, that I don't take things seriously here. Or personally. Just didn't understand your perspective. Of course some stuff is shit! Haha! This is mediocre at best. :)
 — jenakajoffer

hey Polly, "you and me, green" is probably the best of the lot. Glad you remember it :)
 — jenakajoffer