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A Stroll Along The Current
kripto

Walking along the river that resides along the east
 1
Melancholy as the storm passing over head
 2
I sigh, in self discovery
 3
As the world is still crowded and the air still warm
 4
 
 
Minutes, stretched into moments of sgnificance
 5
As I watch and stare, Merely a spectator
 6
Another viewer of Time, as it were
 7
 
 
And as I shuffle along, bouncing off the stream
 8
I feel the currents strength,
 9
Rushing through the hour, in solemn waste
 10
 
 
But I walk, continuing down my path,
 11
absent minded of any troubled thoughts and a lack of any haste
 12
As time remains continuous, I see its withered face
 13
Stretching farther then the data in my brain
 14
As it is, infinite, a phenomenon, a challenge to explain
 15
 
 
And life can be bitter, as we are rarely gifted
 16
With moments to relax
 17
I was told that rest is reserved for the dead
 18
However, I will not abide to these teachings of misconception
 19
 
 
So as the world and time is on its own routine
 20
Clocking in and out like components of the stream
 21
I live in lag, patient as a passer by of sorts
 22
 
 
And some may call it laziness, for that I have retort
 23
For I know I see life differently then the way that you see yours
 24
Lines and moving objects, blurry and undefined
 25
Emotions and anxiety, forced to stay inside
 26
They bang against the walls and you just say its fine
 27
 
 
But my thoughts are all of hope, of love and happiness
 28
And at the river in the east, I saw desertion of the stream
 29
life is leaving one by one, vacading the icy streets
 30
And everything abandoned, completely all obscure
 31
 
 
As the so called winner, waiting at our doors
 32
Some have called him winter
 33
As others called him more
 34
 
 
But by the state of which things are
 35
At first they seem quite sad
 36
But I have been watching from before
 37
And only the subtlest change was had
 38
 
 
Except that now loneliness doesn't walk the streets
 39
It stays secluded, but still not alone
 40
In boxes made of brick
 41
And no more breaks in silence made from our politness
 42
 
 
Funny how these walls protect us from the cold
 43
But the real enemy is ourselves, and ourselves alone
 44

15 Oct 15

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What writers are you influenced by? I am unsure about your purpose here. Your attitude and tone are in a good place in this poem, but your mechanics are all out of whack, and not in a good way!

I'd love to know what your goals is. It feels like you have no intention of growing and editing, and it shows in your writing. Get some Prozac.

Disease and death grow in stagnation, and I don't see any signs that you understand such a concept, and its implications, and that's just, sad.

Maybe you need to walk along the ocean, not the river to bring some perspective in.
 — unknown

coolio
 — kripto

you read my other stuff or is this from only this one?
I had stopped writing for a while and just trying to get back into the mind set, a lot of my work is soul for that purpose maybe those are the ones I shouldn't post here but I like having a record of my stuff and I don't have a steady computer at the moment so it is what it is. And I guess the ultimate 'goal' of this piece is that we are always surrounded by others but we are still rarely not alone, and that we are social creatures with a need of social interaction. And your "Disease and death grow in stagnation, and I don't see any signs that you understand such a concept, and its implications, and that's just, sad." in my opinion served souly to be condesending so if that works for you great, and for perspective what is it you mean exactly. Because your comments here are more than critiques on the poem but on my self and how I believe. Please tell me how by reading this small poem, you were able to figure me out as a human being. And as my rebuttal to your attempt to assess me I would say you have an ego problem and for the fun of it I'd say you have social personality disorders, which more than not likely holds true but mostly my point is that I can make false conclusions by your words as well. Thank you so much for imparting wisdom upon me and have a fantastical day....
 — kripto

There are a lot of interesting thoughts here, and in some ways I like how they just tumble out at the reader like your driving really fast past signs and trying to read them. (or perhaps carried really fast by a swift current). That said, there are thoughts I honestly can't make sense of -- what does it mean to call someone winter or to be patient as a passer-by... isn't a passer-by going somewhere by definition? Also I need more concrete images to tie these big ideas to. When most of the nouns in a poem are words like loneliness and laziness and winner and life and time... there's just too much abstract thought and not enough real imagery. I do think there is a very strong core here though and I think it could be awesome with revision.
 — PolarPanda

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