poetry critical

online poetry workshop

physics lesson

it's not like i need
or need anyone
the sky doesn't need
clouds... water doesn't
eat fish; corn talks
with dirt, but dirt
don't care.
some elemental, I mean,
things are real, more down
than what hangs around.
... then, i saw you and then
couldn't live unless i saw you
and my eyes,
hands ears,
lips, so just useless
to your gravity.

2 Jan 16

Rated 10 (10) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10, 10, 10
Inactive (1): 10

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or, 'to your gravity, just useless'? the present end: 'to your gravity' slips by without friction, like gravity doesn't work on it. which is conceptual, but i don't think it's strong poetry.
 — cadmium

Nice concept without too many fireworks.
Some tweaks for you to ponder, Mike...
L2 consider 'want' rather than the rep of 'need'
L6 'with earth' instead of dirt (I'd still keep the second dirt tho)
L11 delete 'and'
L16 'before' instead of 'to'
 — unknown

got to make poetry here, not memos. read it slow and out loud. it's like classical music. but, not everyone can hear classical music either.

those words are there as structural, to bend prose reading into poetry reading.  
 — cadmium

check out, 'to your gravity'. i can see why you'd want to change the to to 'before', but i think you don't see that this is a presentation of self, speaking to someone who emotionally kneecapped me... that it has to be the effect of his gravity, not gravity -- that this is accepting conceptually that the metaphors are just tokens in a word game, not in 'physics'.

'i am useless to your gravity.' but, as you'd have it,' before your gravity, i yield.' i'm writing that that would be impossible... that i wouldn't be anything his being could acknowledge as having a mass. nada.

so what do you think the purpose of writing a poem is? and the purpose of showing it to someone else? -- 'for crit', you might say. but, a good writer comes from good critics, and you're just reading me here as joe whiner writing the usual poetry critical drunk shit. and, i think this piece is for another reader.
 — cadmium

It's all Newton's fault! Dug 11-12.
 — sixtywatt

yeah, it brought me down. .. :)
 — cadmium

For a lesson there's not much math I recognize here. It's all me me me
 — Known

that's because you're stupid and see only shallow things to feed your shallow little ego. you're not hip, not smart and really inexperienced with poetry and poetry reading.

i'm sure you're nice to kittens and goldfish though.
 — cadmium

 — Known

made from cat?
 — cadmium

 — Known

 — Known

Where you at cad
 — Known

not where you're at. but, that's how it should be. where do you want me to be? dead? wait a couple of hours and i'll get back to you -- in the dark corner of your room, those red glowing eyes...
 — cadmium

Oh how scaaaarrry cad. It's almost like Halloween again, bro.
 — Known

For someone who talks about music you move pretty slow old man.
 — Known

how would you know that, spooky? cause, i'm doing all kinds of things here on p.c. -- commenting and writing critique, and checking my social pages and commenting on them...

sorry i didn't get back to you before your precious deflated.
 — cadmium

Lol @ you relating to poetry to school you fool.

While you were in school 'learning to write' I was in school preparing to write.

One's not better than the other, it's just writing.
 — Known

actually, i'm 70 and have been writing since i was ten, and i wrote all the time and not for teachers. i wrote with the beatniks in the late 50's, in monterey, and we just wrote and showed each other our poems. when i got to harvard i met people like me who wrote different from me, and we dug each other so much and shared our writing. and, also i got to talk head-on to people i'd been reading, and they published me because they thought i had it right -- i didn't at all write like someone like robert lowell or john sweeney, but they saw that i had talent and that i should be encouraged. i try to do the same, and i let you get away with things mostly, because i know you won't know what i'm talking about and that it's really your spirit which is the important thing. right now, you're a thug but that doesn't mean you won't get sunstroke on the road to damascus and actually start to find the music and form in poetry and write it yourself.
 — cadmium

Dude I'm so tired of reading your long ass texts.

I'm out.

 — Known

you're too dumb to read more than a tweet. no loss, go back to the clubhouse and huff gasoline.
 — cadmium

do kids not learn about metaphor in lit classes anymore? i mean, in high school 'english' classes? it's possible, because teachers really only teach lit to make us good citizens who'll grow up to vote for teacher's pay raises.

when something is also something else.
 — cadmium

Thank you for more concise cadmium, I appreciate it.
 — Known

isn't a poem supposed to show that language is shit, and that language is shit because it's only used to buy shit? and, that poetry bends chatter around the lodge pole and wraps the reader around the author's emo, so that the author can attach to the reader and make protoplasm or something...?
 — cadmium

little dots to show that we're in a new space of some kind. dimensional or not.  
 — cadmium

 — cadmium

 — cadmium

quantum leap
 — cadmium

I agree with all of unk's crits, except l2.i actually don't like this piece of yours. It's too soft and mushy.
 — Known

Have you ever heard Louis ck? That's the voice I hear in this. He does stand up, not poetry, just to be clear.
 — Known

no, never did. i doubt that we'd have anything in common, including fans. i mean, nobody does stand up like this. nobody would use this syntax and structure to get any ha-ha. probably, it's more that i've said something you could parse and that resonated with whatever else you can parse and you made a connection. but, that's like saying that both henry james and margaret mitchell used verbs.
 — cadmium

might be that there's a new york ck and i might share syntax you're picking up on -- i borrow that in this kind of poem for punctuation.
 — cadmium

I love the mass in this work, which is saying a lot, because english majors don't do the math.

dirt don't care. luv it.
 — PaleHorse

I might change the first line to "It's not like I need anything."  Otherwise, the read is smooth and the ending, sublime, where it so nicely juxtaposes "what hangs around" from L10 above it.  Very nice!  :-)
 — starr

yes, thanks, starr. the first line's 'need' is the conceptual 'need', and if i were reading it i'd emphasize it. i don't really want to use italics on this, but it may need it. typically, i let the end word of poem's line function as punctuation -- so, i feel it as a pause. that's what i heard as i wrote this. glad you like the gravity/hanging... glad you see the picture of him hanging around and worthless but i'd die for him because the universe turns 'round him. subtle reading.
 — cadmium

U nailed this one, Mike.  Happy New Year!  :-)
 — starr

some changes
 — cadmium

just playing around with words.
 — cadmium