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Brokeback Seascape
jenakajoffer

I crawled the seaside
 1
clavicle to sand,
 2
cracked the skull of
 3
a mussel; it's tongue un-
 4
 
 
hinged and soft as I
 5
remember; my love
 6
retreats to a poem
 7
where it's happier
 8
than it is at home
 9
 
 
milk to mouth
 10
horse to water
 11
I drank to our taffy-
 12
pulled apologies,
 13
 
 
my heart
 14
stretched over the fires
 15
of autumn; just my pony
 16
my rifle, and me.
 17

2 Mar 16

Rated 7 (9) by 3 users.
Active (3): 1, 4
Inactive (5): 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

maybe,
happier than at home.

it's not the line length,  it's maybe that "than he is" is too formula?
 — cadmium

Thanks Mike, I'm going to switch it to "he's" and see if that works better.
 — jenakajoffer

Thanks for the soothes.

This is whiskey around the campfire.
 — Known

Hmm nice Known, thank you.

It's always been a bit of a lullaby to me. I played around with the form, I was feeling a bit too restricted. I hate restrictions.
 — jenakajoffer

I think I meant contrstricted. Whatever. :)
 — jenakajoffer

I love the line break between 4-5, it just leaves you hanging. The sounds in this really add to the experience. It seems like it was very thoughtful in your word choice. I really like where it takes you in the end.
 — bear

Chop suey.
 — Known

The absolute joy of reading you comes from your ability to create totally unique associations to things never thought about. It's as though your words operate in a different plane on a much deeper and soul level.

I don't always get it, on a first, or even a third reading, but not because of obfuscation or lack of education. Though I am sure as a poet you'd want to best use every word. I think that's why a phrase like 1-4 is less clear to the overall picture than say, 10-13.

But when you step back and let it soak in, and wash over you, that's when you realize it's something special.

But PC always wants a specific nit. So why the heck are you using a rifle on the beach?
 — PaleHorse

I hate obfuscation and it bothers me when I end up too cryptic or personal that the reader has a hard time getting it. Are you sure your comments aren't glorified confessions that I failed to bring the imagery and feeling to the forefront of your senses?

I am very touched by your words, however, and I do feel a special bond with this poem, so I'm happy to hear your feelings on it.

Why a rifle on the beach?

I love the beach.
I cry for the beach, not just any beach but ocean salt beach,
stinging wind beach, fishboat wharf beach, barnacle beach
smell of kelp beach,
lasso seaweed, starfish sand dollar beach,
bonfire beach, buoy oh buoy I love
the beach, beach.

What better place for a lonesome cowboy (girl) to contemplate heartbreak stroking a rifle while sitting with the crackle of driftwood aflame after dusk sipping a bottle of whiskY? Maybe a song is sung, maybe the rifle is really a guitar.
 — jenakajoffer

This is what painting with a palate of words looks like and I saw it in HD color.
 — PaulS

in love with lines 10-13.. well done, jen :)
 — sweetmisery

wow Paul, that's a great compliment, thank you :)
I do actually have a painting that goes with this poem.
 — jenakajoffer

Hi sweetmisery, nice to hear from you,
THank you ever kindly. ;)
 — jenakajoffer

this is a Jen...its not fun when can't critique. Bravo.
 — sixtywatt

Oooh, lots of technique going on here!
 — aforbing

i still don't get the 'brokeback' part. it just seems kind of dumb. and, i don't understand, if you're going to chunk this up with clunky rhythms, why you don't just get some courage and learn how to write this kind of narrative out as a story. you'd say more, and get your point across -- since this is only about getting a point across and not about explaining individual motives and psychologies. we're supposed to take your word on everything in this -- who he is, how he acts, what he did -- but, there's not enough information to make this seem more than a dull domestic being fantasied by a stay-at-home. it needs plot, motive and time structure. or else, if it's got to be a poem, it needs humility -- the author knowing that things happen only as the author has seen it happen -- that you can't manipulate other people and their persona to make yourself have a nice day.
 — cadmium

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