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Tiny Window
jenakajoffer

your lungs sailed through a portal
 1
your never-song silenced
 2
too long; you were the sound of my heart
 3
 
 
breaking from sobriety. my roots
 4
were the arms reaching for you
 5
streams of light, the moon in all its phases
 6
every blossom washed anew.
 7
 
 
I was the bird who’s breast
 8
flattened against your shoulder blades
 9
the weight of her breath resting on your spine
 10
as if she wanted to crawl inside and sleep
 11
to the soft clink between your ribs.
 12
 
 
you were the warm drink of love
 13
quenching the drought in my bones
 14
the relief of tears leaking through a tiny window
 15
 
 
for you were the home where no home
 16
was found, and you are the rain
 17
where no rain has fallen.
 18

24 Mar 16

Rated 6.7 (8.4) by 3 users.
Active (3): 1, 9
Inactive (4): 5, 8, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

There are all the words or elements that some would say makes a poem cliché,
Song, Heart, streams, lights, breath, sleep, love, bones, tears and even tiny.
Yet you put them together in a way that is refreshing.

However there is some clunkiness with the way you start and stop your lines, your enjambments do not seem to flow.

For instance take end of line 3 continuing into line 4.

Line 3 "you were the sound of my heart
Line 4 breaking from sobriety" then you start another thought after the word sobriety on the same line.

I think if you move your lines around a bit you will help the reader understand more clearly.

Thanks, Matt
 — Mattmckeown

I like this overall.  A few suggestions and thoughts:
did you intend 'porthole' in line 1?
in 9, maybe 'back' instead of "shoulder blades"?
and in 17, maybe 'the roof' as opposed to "a tiny window"?
also, maybe change line 13 to 'of your crystal lungs' or something like.
just my 2 cents.
 — JKWeb

Stunning.  Portal is such a perfect word there, evoking dimensions connecting, a port in a stormy sea, many mysterious openings.

I can't find one thing I would change.  Thank you for this.
 — Isabelle5

Oh ma gaaaad, thank you James and Isabelle...thanks Matt as well.

I loved all your comments, thank you so much xoxox
Really means a lot to me!
 — jenakajoffer

Oops crap I didn't realize I was unknown! Sorry must have left it unk during edits
 — jenakajoffer

I'm glad it's someone I know!  I love this writing so much!  Congratulations on a beautiful piece.
 — Isabelle5

Aww Isabelle, that is a beautiful thing to say. I'm so happy this touched you.

The original ending was:
For you are the rain where no rain has fallen
and the home where no home was found.

But I dropped the final line, at first I thought it ended to abruptly but then I felt the home bit was overstated. Thoughts?
 — jenakajoffer

As I said, I think it's perfect the way it is here.  Your choice, though, your poem.
 — Isabelle5

Alright I will sit with it like this for awhile and see how it feels. Thank you :)
 — jenakajoffer

It's not for me, but I wish it was. The longing in this work is palpable.

I like the concept of increasing stanza lines, but if that were intentional, you're missing one with 5 lines between lines 7/8
 — PaleHorse

Hi ponyboy, I am quite sure this poem wouldn't be for many, so I'm not surprised by your comment. Perhaps it's too boring for sophisticated readers but I always like to revert to the simplicity of love and expression from time to time.

Nice awareness of the line length I had not done this building deliberately, but I like it. In fact, I adjusted the poem a bit so thanks for the feedback. Always love your comments. :)
 — jenakajoffer

I just meant it's not (written) for me, but I wish it (were) was...I like the stanza change
 — PaleHorse

Thank you, dear one, for clarifying.

The longing in your voice is palpable. :)
 — jenakajoffer

It's been a while, though we're still in touch with other mediums.

Great poem. Very lyrical. You always have had a way with imagery and linking that to sensitivity.

Hope all is well.
 — listen

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