poetry critical

online poetry workshop



black
unknown

inside me, you will find this f̶o̶r̶e̶v̶e̶r̶
 1
 
 
a rotten apple. a loose canon.
 2
a disease.
 3
 
 
you try to catch me with flowers. meows.
 4
but i stomp on them, and come up laughing,
 5
telling you i don't know how to love (anymore).
 6
 
 
i cannot say your name, without this accent.
 7
i'm an ancient tradition
 8
a misguided angel,
 9
i am a nietzsche preaching poet
 10
with a kalashnikov in my mouth.
 11
 
 
i am a bruise on the heart
 12
a summer without a hint of rain
 13
and i will leave you. again and again.
 14
(and again).
 15
 
 
jet black amber of lonesome solace
 16
 
 
it's not a mystery
 17
a secret
 18
how i've gotten into your soul.
 19
 
 
overlook my journey. overlook my destination.
 20
for i am not the territory that surrounds you,
 21
 
 
and i am not the direction home.
 22

24 Mar 16

Rated 5.5 (8.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 1, 10
Inactive (4): 5, 9, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(4 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

loose "cannon", for the weapon. "canon" for the song or the cleric or the photo copier... : )

memorial piece for your wasted youth?
 — cadmium

jeez, rask. i thought from your message post that you were growing up. this is just over-indulged resentment against people who you'd really want to kiss your ass. nobody should want anyone to do that.
 — cadmium

Meows? Gimme a break.

If you don't know the way then please keep quiet.
 — unknown

Cool write. Only nits are in 4-6, too many periods and the "but" is ugly.

Love the rest, its trepid, has me trippin
 — jenakajoffer

No way, rask! I read you blind and loved it. Yeah now that's some unbiased feedback for ya.
 — jenakajoffer

'way'. the only way here is the way of poets -- this is just vanity speech making, and makes for ratty prose... vanity, because self-defining, apologetic without actually revealing any weakness but sounding so hurt puppy.

denying anyone else's soul so you can own them, but seducing with the idea that you know their innermost secrets. che guevera ego with che's ineptitude at verse. comes with the territory... 'me, me, me.'. a really lady's man.
 — cadmium

I tripped on canon then read the rest, realized canon could fit there very well - ideology, creed, etc.  Don't think you need the comma in line 7.  That said, I love lines 7-11.  This poem makes me yearn for something I can't specify but feel deeply.  Which, to me, is what poetry is about, the feelings evoked.
 — Isabelle5

Oh, look...yes, I know that voice.  Should have recognized you.
 — Isabelle5

Isn't this the 'bad boy' some of us fall for, over and over?  Fear him and want him.  I am too old now to fall for it but the urge doesn't go away, damn it!
 — Isabelle5

you have used kalashnikov before to stir the loins of the fragile.

the only ones who will like this are those who are weak enough to fall for your bs every single line.


mum
 — unknown

^Uh oh! Better delete that comment before someone thinks negatively about one of pc's 'great' poets!
 — unknown

l 16 is not needed

too many agains

soul is desperate

overlook me

again
 — unknown

thanks for all your comments lovely people. however this is old fodder. i don't write anymore and i am just here to post my old poems here for somewhere to keep them. i shall not be active here other than to do that. this 'raskolniikov' is an ego i destroyed many years ago. life has other callings for me now.

love and light
 — raskolniikov

Your comments make me happy, J.  Safe travels.
 — Isabelle5

That's an unproductive use of the site & community.

You're just too lazy to write anything new.
 — unknown

0.359s