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Transient
PaleHorse

But as a rose more handsome held
 1
in pious porcelain vase;
 2
So too will I, should maiden's hands
 3
surround my resting face.
 4
 
 
And drowning in her reservoir
 5
of comfort cold and deep;
 6
So like the rose its head hung low
 7
will I too, fade asleep.
 8

28 Mar 16

Rated 10 (9.6) by 4 users.
Active (4): 10, 10
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Comments:

this is funny. it's well done and the words are more or less good word choices. it's musical enough too, and the line lengths extend the text beyond prose.

i think you're supposed to have a comma after 'but' on line one. -- other wise the sense of 'but' is 'only', and i think you want to introduce a wording structure, and if, then... which means the semicolon is wrong in 2, since it's still one proposition, not two. i think comma works to mark the two and introduce the complement of the first structure.

i think the problem for me with this is is that it's too fay, not strong enough as expression. 'a wind-up coil to image only a resting face, not a rotting face, a dead face preparing for release. 'rotting' wouldn't do, but maybe 'waiting face' is more electric...

the concept stated is that just as a rose is more beautiful in a beautiful vase, so too the face would be more beautiful the face if surrounded by a maiden's hands. pretty arty, and i think all you want us to read is 'that's nice'.

but, as a rose,
more handsome held in pious porcelain vase sein,
so too will i, should maiden's hands my resting face
surround will have happened.

that gets the germanic quality out front and shows the willhelmine german victorian gesture which might, in its kultur conquering delicacy victory have.

this is fun to read, fun to work at. it really brings to mind victorian cloying images and the weakness of over use of black outline.
 — cadmium

I like this. It's well done.
 — unknown

Drop the but in line 1, but is a connection word, what are you connecting to?  Nothing, it's the first line.

You don't need ; end of line 2 since line 3 is still part of the thought.  Shall when you use I, we, will when you use you, he, she, it.  Learn your grammar.

Again, a connector word beginning line 5.  Either don't use a period at the end of line 4 or drop And, begin with Drowning and get rid of ; end of line 6.  

Shall, not will, line 8, same reason as above.

In my opinion, you need to revise:

As a rose more handsome be
held in porcelain vase
so I, too, shall be,
should maiden's hand surround
my resting face.

Drowning in her reservoir of comfort,
cold and deep (not warm and inviting?  Are you dying here?),
so like a rose, head hung low,
shall I, too, fade asleep.
 — Isabelle5

^your grasp on poetry is severely unattractive. Knowing how you power trip though, it's not much of a surprise that you miss so much.
 — unknown

^^seriously, there is literally nothing wrong with the poem. Each word has a purpose, as does the punctuation. It breaks some rules, but for good reason.
 — unknown

I would like the first line to say:

"But the rose more handsome held"

It strengthens L3 and you don't say the same thing twice.

Pretty poem,
Well done.
 — PollyReg

It would also strengthen the syntax which I find old fashioned, quirky and charming.

I find 'as a' to be a sore thumb..

:-)
 — PollyReg

polly, you're the kind of clown who turns Bach to disco for money. it's not that you have a feeling for poetry, it's that you're a hostess at a prom and are afraid people will get bored. you've got to forget about being liked.
 — cadmium

^no cadmium, the question is not me at all. the only thing worth debating on this persons poem is whether he wants it to be the best it can...

the poem starts with 'but' and the first line 'is' the poem. to suggest changing it is ludicrous...does anybody here even read a poem or do they just pull out a template for critique? that's what I wonder...
 — PollyReg

And wanting to be liked is certainly a funny one, Cadmium.. Good to see 'you're' not a sellout, Madam Educated...
 — PollyReg

As for the semicolon I'm not one hundred percent on their usage, I find them fussy, but if you take my suggested edit it is better without....Probably don't need it in either case.
 — PollyReg

bach to disco for cash. no class.
 — cadmium

and having re-read with syllable count, I would like to suggest that you wouldn't lose the rhythm with the change. I still think it would be enhanced.

There is a natural pause/ 1/2 beat skip in L1 between rose/more if changed to 'the'...

Anyway. Just suggestions. It's your poem. I think L8 could be worked too. 'Fade asleep' is a hump to get over.

Thanks for the read,
 — PollyReg

Cadmium stop saying these lunatic things that you are pulling out of god knows where. EEK.

Bach/Disco is totally irrelevant to anything. Least of all, my review of this poem.
 — PollyReg

they're not lunatic at all. you don't know how to read this kind of poem, and you didn't get the reference that this is kind of more a motet than some crap progressive rock toodle. you don't get that the honest and aware poetry reader can pick up on the rhythms and patterns in something like this because THIS IS POETRY! and, you don't know or have a feel for poetry. you write, what do you call it, "talking in tongues', like some snake biting primitive, actually believing that pop crap culture is the best culture and music ever. it is if you're a neanderthal.
 — cadmium

I certainly do know how to read it as it was intended. I did so. Others did not. Maybe didn't pick up on the syllable count or the intentional quirk in the syntax that poetic license allows for.

Your suggestion was to put a comma after but. What?

It is you that did not understand it or the structure.
 — PollyReg

Pale, don't change the poem what-so-ever. Fuck these people's cirques. It's awesome as it is.
 — unknown

...Oh Rose thou art sick

This is what it reminded me of...
 — PollyReg

...but drop the comma in 8.
 — unknown

Yeah, its your poem, so you should leave it as you like.

The enjoyable aspect of posting things here, for me at least, is you get to see how something is received within different views.

Food for thought anyway.
 — PollyReg

L8 - maybe:

I too will fade asleep
 — PollyReg

^lmao what a nitpick.
 — unknown

perhaps its a rhetorical question, then, unknown? sans question mark? could be...i'm apt to think not :-)
 — PollyReg

—____—
 — unknown

you can't say that polly or some other primitive is lying, because they obviously don't know what we're talking about. she doesn't understand rhythm and rhetoric.  she thinks all poetry is just gay prose and should read like newspaper prose. she thinks she's hip, but if she is, it's 1970 Melbourne hip. beetles hip. just commercial crap hip. not good enough to shut us down and reopen the place as a '90s retro diner.
 — cadmium

whatever. do your entire life like this if you want, cadmium. don't know what your problem is. don't want to know who 'we' are because your 'we' is killing the poetry and honest discussion on the website.

anything i ever say, right or wrong, is going to be a reason for you to attack me and call me names. not very gentlemanly, is it? more like a bitch, i'd say.
 — PollyReg

and a sellout.
 — PollyReg

Dude, cadmium is a woman, what are you talking about?
 — unknown

define woman?

but yeah, likely female. one who thinks they know a lot.
 — PollyReg

typing intentionally wrong things to make a point is not clever - it is just a way to try and show yourself as smart - ie, thinking of yourself as smart and in doing so, not realising you are being condescending and superior. such an unattractive trait.
 — PollyReg

Uhhhh I don't have to act. Nice jealousy though.
 — unknown

unattractive in a male. or in a female. what happened here today is that I gave the poem honest critique and it was quickly turned, once again, into a slanging match.

no purpose to the site then?

no sense in anybody posting here?
 — PollyReg

oh yeah, okay, i'm jealous.

I critiqued a poem and you abused me and I am jealous of you. I don't think so. I'm more jealous of a fucking submarine. A broken piece of chain. Toilet Paper.
 — PollyReg

Forgive me, but what are we slanging?
 — unknown

"polly, you're the kind of clown who turns Bach to disco for money. it's not that you have a feeling for poetry, it's that you're a hostess at a prom and are afraid people will get bored. you've got to forget about being liked."

You tell me and we will both know. That was the first one that I tried to ignore but it kept going and going and going like it always does. It is just creepy insanity.
 — PollyReg

Fucking disrespectful. Not only to the author of this poem, but to me, to the owner of this website and to other participants.

Its bad manners and its bad form.
 — PollyReg

Behold Folks:

The consequence of using the website as it was intended.

Point rested.
 — PollyReg

Transient, I know this somehow. Ohhhhh my....this is the one, I remember. Do I?

Freaking beautiful.
 — jenakajoffer

roses die. always. This was one of my first, and I'm glad it still has resonating spirit. In all its imperfection.
 — PaleHorse

Brilliant!
 — PaulS

wouldn't the first line be more authentic if you used dandelion instead of rose?  Roses always look good, weeds in a porcelain vase would be an upgrade.  

I like this and I'm sorry about how it's been hijacked by poets and spam.
 — Isabelle5

look at the rhythm, isabelle -- the single syllable works like a knife cutting into the clay of words. a three syllable 'dandelion' would be ham-fisted and not really as intimate in resonance or image.
 — cadmium

Of course, that's what I missed!  Duh!
 — Isabelle5

Boy Palehorse, this is a beaut. It's got some bite in its tone. Well done.
 — Known

This is BEAUTIFUL!  My only suggestions would be to change "will" to "shall" in L3 so that the "sh" sound of "shall" will bounce nicely off "should" as in L2 with "pious" and "porcelain."  I'd also consider changing the semicolon in L2 to a dash where it doesn't seem to extend the previous thought in any particular way.  Otherwise, it's short, its sweet, it's got Old School flava about it and I like that!  A modern day CLASSIC feel.  I'm seeing Shakespeare smiling down on you with a "thumbs UP!"  :-)
 — starr

wow this has had a lot of comments...

kudos, poet. (I still wish we had the 'the' in line 1, but I will accept)

good work.
 — PollyReg

I could get on board with shall, but either works for me. The punctuation works in my reading though if request the author take deeper considerations in for future writes.
 — Known

people who can't let go enough to read poetry turn "poetry" into easy to read, crip ramp prose. any association of ideas is connected in a fantasy of rational meaning. the coonection is lyrical. poetry is the first and last form of language.  if you don't like lyrical writing you don't like or understand  poetry at all.

uptight beginners who've only read some recent writing might think that poetry is all post auden and about telling a story. that's what the constipated academicians want you to believe with all your juvenile know-it-all heart.
 — cadmium

I am humbled, truly. You all are wonderful commenters. I makes me think back to the moment that inspired this work, I was riding a commuter train, and as such a striking blond sat down next to me, so unaware of anything around her.

I was brought up to be polite, so I smiled a "hello" and went back to my book. For the entire 47 minutes we sat next to each other in silence. All I could see of her through the corner of my eyes were her hands. She could have been a hand model, they were so elegant and resplendent.

At her stop, she got off, and I never saw her, or her hands again. That was 10 years ago.

I thank you all again for your reading and time.
 — PaleHorse

I am humbled, truly. You all are wonderful commenters. I makes me think back to the moment that inspired this work, I was riding a commuter train, and as such a striking blond sat down next to me, so unaware of anything around her.

I was brought up to be polite, so I smiled a "hello" and went back to my book. For the entire 47 minutes we sat next to each other in silence. All I could see of her through the corner of my eyes were her hands. She could have been a hand model, they were so elegant and resplendent.

At her stop, she got off, and I never saw her, or her hands again. That was 10 years ago.

I thank you all again for your reading and time.

That makes total sense to me Pale. That was my ultimate sense of the title and tone of the poem. I know it's clîche but, home is where the heart is and this poem is a reflection of a lonesome heart :'(

It's also well written though. I can feel your Processing of your state in your words and turns. It was apparent upon first rad.
 — Known

the relationship in ideal builds our ideal of love.
 — cadmium

http://raven.theraider.net/showthread.php?t=9949  ;

This Poem is from another site. I hope you ar the same Author?
 — unknown

frig! my brain just exploded!!
 — unknown

Same Author. Imagine that.
 —
PaleHorse

is this done in a particular form?  I enjoyed it... I almost got a sonnet vibe.
 — aforbing

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