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psychopath, revised
dvdsxr

I sift through the remains of my novelty friends
 1
looking for a single hair or
 2
bone from which I might comprehend
 3
their mind, maybe
 4
to know what it is to care
 5
and love as humans do
 6
without having to observe
 7
and plaster a smile,
 8
practice the tone to go
 9
with surprise and fear
 10
while I fake
 11
everything
 12
just to fit in
 13
when I see what they see
 14
in the whole wide world
 15
of life and everything
 16

4 Apr 16

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Comments:

Your poem here strays from personal to impersonal. It's got the right mentality, but you haven't really dug in your claws to the proper conveyance. The form is appropriate, only it's backwards. The more you would head back into the world you would have to speak more about how to behave to let people not know...idk maybe I'm off on a limb, sorry...anyways, I hope you get help if you need it. Cheers.
 — Known

known: thanks for the advice. i've changed it up a bit, though I still don't think I'm there. any other advice for me?
 — dvdsxr

this actually works as a fantasia  form, an extended and evolving image of mind and feelings in oNE voice and breath. it enters my soul and I know and feel this. all its got to do is be consistent and evolve like a flower. the poem is the poet. I wouldn't convert it for the 19th century reader.
 — cadmium

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