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Fade as Distance Grows
Isabelle5

The color red is blue
 1
as my hope for you ebbs -
 2
orange is turning yellow,
 3
green has turned grey
 4
and I am white as a rainbow.
 5
 
 
You turn blue when you kiss me,
 6
your eyes, once deep and brown,
 7
are clear as willow glass
 8
worn down to ripples
 9
in a 100 year old window.
 10
 
 
We are disappearing, do you see?
 11
Am I pink when you notice me,
 12
do my lips burn black or are you
 13
drawn to the memory of vermillion
 14
here and there and everywhere
 15
you needed me in vibrant, living color?
 16
 
 
Sludge in the bottom of a glass,
 17
caught in ferrule and bristles,
 18
put aside to dry and age -
 19
that's how it feels as we separate.
 20
 
 
I can't see you anymore.
 21

4 Apr 16

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Comments:

beautiful! intoxicating use of colour. your imagery is consistent yet fresh, down to the last line. brava!
 — unknown

Hawt damn, this poem is screaming to me. What a beautifully written piece of colour and fragment. I love it. I can feel every part of it as my eyes pool.

I would consider the removal of the last line. That's all I can suggest.

Lovely.
 — jenakajoffer

The line breaks of the third stanza, particularly 13 - 16, are subtle and fancy. Each line can stand independently or as part of the running narrative.



Demonstration:


1. Do my lips turn black or are you. Stop.

2. Drawn to the memory of vermilion. Stop.

3. Here there and everywhere. Stop.

4. You needed me in vibrant living colour? End.


x


1. Do my lips turn black or are you
2. drawn to the memory of vermilion. Stop.

3. Here there and everywhere
4. you needed me in vibrant living colour? End.


x


1. Do my lips turn black or are you
2. drawn to the memory of vermilion
3. here there and everywhere. Stop.

4. You needed me in vibrant living colour? End.



x



1. Do my lips turn black or are you. Stop.

2. Drawn to the memory of vermilion
3. here there and everywhere
4. you needed me in vibrant living colour? End



x



1. Do my lips turn black or are you
2. drawn to the memory of vermilion
3. here there and everywhere
4. you needed me in vibrant living colour? End




With commitment to craft in mind, and attention to detail, i might be further inclined to remove the question mark after colour, and have it stand as pure rhetoric. Anyway...Well done.
 — unknown

Hi, Jen and congrats! I need line 21 to show that we have become opaque, I remember him but I can't see him and so I can't see him, as in "It's over, I can't hang with you anymore."  Obviously that didn't come through as well as I wanted.
 — Isabelle5

So, here's how I'm reading this:

The first line separates the two colors and the poem is the interconnection between their departure...as the poem goes on.

I actually get a little lost after the first stanza. It's all that's really necessary to create the effect, but the next stanzas give the cleave a wider shape and has a stronger affect, so I can't say drop anything, but, in the future my only request would be concision.
 — Known

Known, I don't see the separation where you do.  Where do you see that and the poem is about separation, moving and growing away until even the speck is gone.
 — Isabelle5

I see it as an upside down V...each line moving outward and the words between them the strings of connection/separation...:

      /.\
     /...\
    /.....\ Etc...


The color red is blue
as my hope for you ebbs -
orange is turning greenhas turned grey
and I am whiteas a rainbow.
 — Known

            ;          &nbs p;   White
Blah blah blah red is blue blah blah blah
Blah blah bla green-yellow H blah blah blah
Blah blah bl purple-vermin blah blah blah blah
Blah blah b grey separate silver blah blah blah
And somewhere around here if break to block off the effect.
 — Known

Obviously, 'White' is over red and blue, but yeah, hopefully that expresses what I see in your poem. Either way, I like it. It takes a good poem to produce idea.
 — Known

Sigh...I'm quite concerned you're not gonna have a clue what I'm saying and a clue about how cool what I see in your poem is...oh well, know I mean well haha
 — Known

         Red
      Orange
     Yellowish
    Green Glen
   Cobalt bluish
  Purpurin purple.
 — Known

When I leave, red splits too in my hand.
Cracking yellow, a skull waits for you outside the train station.
The orange quickly undone.
Green.
And I'm gone from your paper for good.
 — Known

Of course these are not even half-hearted efforts. To set your words of separation between such a dynamic must have quite a heavy task.
 — Known

I really like the idea of a lot of the poem being off the page. Maybe a few well spaced periods in your lines might denote so?
 — Known

Scratch that last idea, sorry.
 — Known

   Purple
    Blue
      Green
         Yellow
           Orange.
            ;  Reddish
            ; Organs.
           Yellow-
          Green
         Blue
       berries
     Purple.
    Gray
  Twilight.
Black
Eye.
          
 — Known

It might also be cool to try out the V...:

Black at the edge of white,
a purple appears blue.
Some green yellows
on a tall orange tree.
The pompous matador
would never return again.
 — Known

Aaaaaaanywaysssssss, cool color poem Isabelle. Much enjoyed. Thank you!
 — Known

Well after that tirade I see the poem in a new light...
 — unknown

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