poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Free Space
atomictorte

Our eyes met when you walked by
 1
and I leaned across the cracked linoleum of the bingo table,
 2
Searching for a card with
 3
I 19, 21, 29.
 4
 
 
By B9 you'd moved beyond
 5
the yellow striped tent.
 6
I waited
 7
always the last to look away.
 8
 
 
A creaky voice from the front row called "Bingo" in more of a whisper than a shout.
 9
I'd missed it again,
 10
unsure of the word
 11
even as the red chips lined up across my card.
 12

6 Apr 16

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Comments:

This is oddly good, but creepy for some reason haha
 — Known

Do you need lines 9-10?  I think it's better without that, pretty funny, in fact.
 — Isabelle5

Thanks for the suggestion, Isabelle5! You're right, it's a better poem without those two lines so I'm removing them :)
 — atomictorte

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