poetry critical

online poetry workshop



summer of 1996
breathindeep

chutes and ladders in my living room
 1
      sleeping bags and wishing on the moon
 2
rain pounding on the skylight
 3
      ghost stories and the "late" night
 4
barefoot and messy hair
 5
      running down the hill without a care
 6
honeysuckle and jumping rope
 7
       shooting stars and eyes full of hope
 8
lightning bugs and bicycles on the road
 9
      sharing secrets and catching a toad
 10
sprinklers and splinters from the deck
 11
      fruit loop necklaces around our necks
 12
laughter and car rides home
 13
      open windows and the radio
 14
picking flowers and muddy paths
 15
      mosquito bites and long bubble baths
 16
bathing suits and sandy feet,
 17
      in my memories is where we meet.
 18

24 Jun 04

Rated 5.5 (7) by 2 users.
Active (2): 3, 8
Inactive (15): 4, 5, 5, 5, 6, 6, 6, 6, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(11 more poems by this author)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

I
Love
This.
 — pennylane

It almost feels like I wrote this poem.  Everything in here is what my summers were made of.  It's really good.  Lots of the time, I don't like the "no capital letters" look, but you made it work.  I don't like the last line... the ideas fine, but the wording doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem.  But maybe it's just me.
 — om

I thought this was a cute way to remanice of days gone by ..... I agree with penny as far as the ending goes. May I suggest you just leave out line 18.
Thanks for sharing this it brought back fond memories. :)
 — Dinky

thanks so much for ur comments :) i changed the end and got rid of 18- better?
 — breathindeep

oooh... very good.  altho I tripped on the rythm of the 2nd line of your first few stanzas.  it seemed to correct itself as I went on thru the poem.  Nice stuff.
I liked this a lot.  I see why it's on the weekly top 40.  
 — aforbing

Isn't this an internet poem?
 — unknown

what do you mean an internet poem??
 — unknown

i love line 16, "mosquite bites and long bubble baths" i'm not sure why, but it's my favorite line. the entire poem is great, it's close to home and appeals to the senses. the imagry is awesome, i can picture everything clear inmy head. it's exactly what my summers are like. bravo!
 — scribeastray

Though the rhyming seems forced in lines 5,6 and 9,10 you still made it work. I really love lines 11 and 12. They're just really nice and especially remind me of my childhood summers. Not that my childhood is that far away right now. Heh heh.
Anyway, nice job.
 — Ladarna

isn't it "chutes"?
 — unknown

hahaha oh wow i think it is chutes...thanks for picking up on that...
 — breathindeep

i can dig it
 — Brandxxx

great stuff :)
 — n0fear88

Really good but maybe just work on the scanning of some of the lines to make it even better.
 — larrylark

scanning of the lines? i got rid of spaces..better?
 — breathindeep

Yeah the summer of 1996 was really memorable...haha..

Man, If you remember the 90's you weren't really there and all that crap
Huh?? No matter.

I like your poem by the way....its nice....not really mindblowing, but then its not called the mind blowing summer of 96
 — unknown

Grammatical dislocutions to make rhymes kindof irritating... like "in my memories is where we meet" instead of "we meet in my memories."  Also a consistent metric would probably help this- lines have anywhere from six to ten syllables.
 — eajohnson1

gonna puke.
 — unknown

cute, its just a perfect snapshot. wonderful flow and setup.
 — SweetPain

Clever set up and not too nostalgic.
 — unknown

^Meep
 — unknown

0.491s