HUH???? What is THIS? It's a disconnected hot MESS! LOL! FIX IT so all connects and makes English SENSE! Here: v
Ascetic we become,
still drunk from last night's _______. (Last night's WHAT? Fill in the blank and don't forget to end it with a period and a line break.)
Do we wait for each other until
sunset when we're sober (change its to we're.)
living out these in-between days; (insert a semicolon after "days" and insert another line break.)
Time settles us by noon
^^^ Whatdaya think? I think it reads better and flows more smoothly. The way you have it written up there would make me think u were drunk off your ass when u wrote it! LOL! Needs some rebuilding. Good luck! Make it beautiful and make it COUNT! I'll withold a rating for now. :-) — starr
This is breathtaking! Reminds me of a night out on a date; having had the time of our lives. Parting ways at my doorstep. Already cringing from the thought of his departure; our separation. Should I wait? Wait more days? I ponder and wait so long months pass by. Well, what do you know. It's already September!
Beautiful Chloris — unknown
thanks for your feedback, starr.
unknown, i know it's easy for beautiful people to share their thoughts beautifully as well. namaste