Comments:
you portray sorrow very well.
i only have one nit. in the first stanza, L4. on to of. if it must be on, i think you should change the following line 'send' to 'sent'
i don't think the grammar is 'wrong, exactly'...i just think it would sit tidier with the small change.
i really like upside-downy 63 - 67
— unknown
:)
— ARedLetter
nicely rendered for the most part. though I'm thinking you could shave a few kibbles and bits here and there. such as:
"it" in 2
and
"with me" in 15.
otherwise,
quite groovy.
— JKWeb
oh my. words fail me right now. I am overcome with emotion. this piece freezes my heart still
— dvdsxr
*Mwah
— unknown
10 As always ;)
— Odin
6-14 is absolutely incredible. Could be a poem on its own. I think this is a little long for my taste, with some careful surgery it could be a little more precise. But that would be hard to do without ruining what's really important here: the raw emotion and perfectly realized images.
Great work.
— mould_jesus
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