poetry critical : poem

here's that shovel you left in the pit of my stomach

this bridge of reading you, writing you	1
i cross it too fast	2
and my eyes lay down at the end	3
on the private beach	4
you send me to	5

quiet as a casket	6
lowered into the lungs of the earth	7

where it sings duets with dirt	8
to the decaying punctuation	9
you speared	10
in the very last line–	11

hoping i'd run backwards	12
to build a wall	13
around the beginning	14


how you start a silent war with me	15
landlord of my heart	16

i pay you late	17
because i hoard your haunting	18
and staple aspirin	19
to the back of every smile	20
stamped 'overdue'	21

but you aren't alive–	22
you aren't applying salve	23
to anything that hurts	24

there's no damp cloth	25
on my distress	26


i order your words	27
first thing in the morning	28
because it moves your reflection	29
from a dream	30
to my kitchen table	31

nuking my yawn	32
with hysteria	33

how can i stand in front of your verse	34
and not undress?	35
demand my freckles to attack	36
and spread out	37

so you'd finish me,	38
maybe stab the sun for old times sake	39
avenge my skin	40
and sign off on every Summer	41
that wasn't in the script	42


what story do i tell myself now?	43

it's like razor burn	44
going over the same prickly past	45
rubbing lotion on the loss	46

we kept ourselves apart,	47
though the knees of our context	48
kept touching	49


your guitar puffs out its chest	50
when i demand your music	51
move to an urn	52

your Tarzan titles	53
pounding my tongue	54
as i repeat them in the wrong direction	55

screaming at a serpent	56
'don't circle back!'	57
my voice bludgeoned	58
and crawling	59


you want to test me,	60
setting traps for each step i take	61
to grab my mental machete	62

walk right up to misery	63
and ask for a loan,	64
remind it how your credit hung	65
draining moonlight	66
from our future	67


i buried you!	68
i buried you in paper!	69
i buried you in every font!	70

the scalpel of your voice	71
stopped treating me	72
and i needed those scars,	73
i needed to reopen the vein of losing you	74

of never having you	75

all over again,	76
as a reminder i am blank	77
without your blood moving	78

how cold you come	79
now that my eyes carry coffins	80
everywhere i go	81

15 Sep 16

Rated 10 (10) by 3 users.

Active (3): 10, 10
Inactive (7): 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(213 more poems by this author)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)

ARedLetter
dvdsxr

Add A Comment:

Comments:

you portray sorrow very well.

i only have one nit. in the first stanza, L4. on to of. if it must be on, i think you should change the following line 'send' to 'sent'

i don't think the grammar is 'wrong, exactly'...i just think it would sit tidier with the small change.

i really like upside-downy 63 - 67
— unknown

:)
— ARedLetter

nicely rendered for the most part. though I'm thinking you could shave a few kibbles and bits here and there. such as:
"it" in 2
and
"with me" in 15.

otherwise,
quite groovy.
— JKWeb

oh my. words fail me right now. I am overcome with emotion. this piece freezes my heart still
— dvdsxr

*Mwah
— unknown

10 As always ;)
— Odin

6-14 is absolutely incredible. Could be a poem on its own. I think this is a little long for my taste, with some careful surgery it could be a little more precise. But that would be hard to do without ruining what's really important here: the raw emotion and perfectly realized images.

Great work.
— mould_jesus

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