poetry critical

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one night of infinity
dvdsxr

no tongue or lips
 1
unless you count the honey suckle
 2
of the weak lime ethanol
 3
and the gradual clonazepam hike
 4
to the caffeine and nicotine rush
 5
of that calypso cream
 6
dream
 7
 
 
we shared
 8
 
 
no no, love
 9
 
 
we only stared
 10
down the eternal chasm of the
 11
cosmic what-ifs
 12
and their wordless oils spilling chaos
 13
on the canvas
 14
 
 
and how much envy simmers
 15
between this sordid fantastical artwork romance
 16
and its sickly withering cousin-
 17
 
 
reality?
 18
 
 
you know and you starve,
 19
while i have already been here saving, fasting,
 20
peeking over the edge
 21
so i never forget
 22
either side of this galactic fence.
 23
 
 
from root to roof top
 24
i lie exposed, patiently waiting
 25
for the world to turn.
 26

16 Sep 16

Rated 10 (9.7) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (1): 9, 10

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Comments:

its so close...9, and because can be more
 — sixtywatt

kick ass poem
 — JKWeb

sixtywatt- so close how? what's missing or what's too much? details man! I need them to improve!
 — dvdsxr

sixty watt. I basically wrote a part two to this. but I'd love to hear your critique ... telling me I'm so close isn't helpful. I know that I am. I always am. I'm not a poet but I'm almost there. I need the cutthroat reality of harsh criticism. give it to me. a 9 is arbitrary, a 10 would make no difference
 — dvdsxr

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